Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
I've read up on this challenge on YBOP and it was pretty informative in fact I have taken a lot of knowledge from that site. I can't say it's eased the pain but it's definitely educated me on what I may be up against.
I read that a lot of people who have taken it have kind of changed it up a bit... I want to know what has worked best for the people who have taken the challenge or from the spouses??? Also, I am under the impression it's no sex, no masturbation, no porn- but what if I were to induce? To go along with those two questions, I don't want it for only 90 days, I want if for my entire marriage life, is that not realistic with this challenge?
I started this incredibly, heart wrenching journey with the notion of wanting to work on my marriage and not neglect my marriage. I was aware that my marriage was suffering from porn addiction or compulsion or just fixation- habitual use and I was determined to get my marriage straight. Then I felt alone from my husband and like everything I was feeling was minimized and no big deal, I started to work on myself and my self care... which I feel what was needed as well; but I strayed from my earlier determination. Or at least that's what I believe happened because now I feel like after "focusing" on myself more or solely I have pulled away. And I am scared that I may have sealed our fate more than I imagined I could have.
I read that a lot of people who have taken it have kind of changed it up a bit... I want to know what has worked best for the people who have taken the challenge or from the spouses??? Also, I am under the impression it's no sex, no masturbation, no porn- but what if I were to induce? To go along with those two questions, I don't want it for only 90 days, I want if for my entire marriage life, is that not realistic with this challenge?
I started this incredibly, heart wrenching journey with the notion of wanting to work on my marriage and not neglect my marriage. I was aware that my marriage was suffering from porn addiction or compulsion or just fixation- habitual use and I was determined to get my marriage straight. Then I felt alone from my husband and like everything I was feeling was minimized and no big deal, I started to work on myself and my self care... which I feel what was needed as well; but I strayed from my earlier determination. Or at least that's what I believe happened because now I feel like after "focusing" on myself more or solely I have pulled away. And I am scared that I may have sealed our fate more than I imagined I could have.
Just to confirm a couple of things:
1) The reboot lasts as long as it needs to - but understand that there is NO place for porn after reboot, just normal sex. The idea is to detangle your reward circuitry so that you no longer rely upon fantasy and synthetic stimulation to get dopamine. The truth is that life AFTER reboot and life DURING reboot is not hugely different, the idea is that you will follow similar principles but be better at it!
2) Some reboots are focussed entirely on porn. There is nothing wrong with sex or masturbation as such. HOWEVER, many addicts have erectile dysfunction as a result of their behaviours over the years and for them it is recommended that a reboot include any type of arousal/activity that leads to orgasm. Most addicts cannot masturbate purely to the sensastion without some form of fantasy or artificial stimulation, so that is why many reboots extend to M and O.
My reboot entails total abstinence. I am aware that my addiction runs deep. I also have had ED issues in the past. I include things like staring profusely at women and looking at underwear models in a catalogue as a relapse. To some this is extreme, but I know what gives me a hit of dopamine and as long as I keep the pathways open I will not recover.
I plan to go 120 days without PMO, M, O. Then I can rebuild if I have proven to be up to this task. My wife is fine with this as my disclosure has pretty much put her off sex with me for the timebeing (a blessing in disguise then!)
We are in protect mode - shes protect herself and closing down the marriage for however long she needs: i am also shutting down as i do not want to waste time chasing and pleading for her only to receive conflict and resentment that time is needed for recovery and my actions must now be honest and true
Only time can heal - and by healing i mean individually
My wife needs her self esteem and happiness - the past is a lie to her and shes angry having lived a lie, whether she comes to terms with whats happened and can forgive that is for her to give
i need to rebuild my self love and my esteem and pride in myself
if think of how the people who know about my addiction and acting out think of me, i die of shame and guilt - the past is gone now and i must move on..
The 90 day challenge is fine for alot of people especially young single addicts, but in a marriage - it must be total and absolute - lived a day at a time and accountable a day at a time
My husband has a very strict list of what would be considered a relapse and like Bryan looking at ANYTHING that is used for sexual stimulation would be considered a relapse. He also closes his eyes, turns his head, walks out of the room if a commerical with half dressed women comes on the tv. Sex sells, so it is everywhere, living his life clean is his goal and he is is now 18 months in recovery.
Let me say that abstaining from sex for 90 days is NOT in anyway neglecting your marriage , its healing it.
After the 90 days if you are both comfortable and recovery is intact,(meaning your husband remains sober) then being intimate including sex is part of that reboot. He will be in the moment, connected to you and you will hopefully feel better about yourself.
The 90 day re-boot isnt just so the addict can have 90 days without porn, masturbation , other ways he was getting the sexual stimulation and then go back to it. Recovery is for the rest of your marriage.
I can see its worked for you both, but the goal is also to return to a healthy sexuality too, how long will that last closing eyes leaving the room etc? Is not the goal of sobriety and recovery to regain healthy values? meaning that the toleration of mild imagery should be part of recovery too, as long as he has an avenue to discuss if it affects/triggers him in a truthful open honest way to you. I assume the goal is no more secrets no more lies or hiding - being upfront and open is the key way.. no?
Of course some things just can be plain avoided and overtly sexual media should be avoided but thats impossible also in this world
My goal is to be abstinent yes but return to a healthy way of dealing with these things as they come, i am not in my marriage at the moment and in recovery to i do avoid these things too.
Closing eyes and turning over TV is what my mother used to do!! and her attitude to sex was that it never existed!!
I admire your courage to work the recovery insitu in a marriage i wish i could too... i feel having the other person give me the chance would be enough incentive and impetus to work my recovery
Im not advocating that i want to look at any imagery - i don't at all - I too want a clean life but im a realist that i will never be able to fully avoid even the mildest of imagery, its learning not to be affected or engaged by it and to only consume whats real - that being totally intimate emotional and sexually connected with your partner/spouse
100 percent transparency is now part of my marriage yes, hell he has proven that with a passed polygraph.
Healthy sexual values are shared within a relationship, if my husband is allowing his brain to see images that objectify OTHER women how is that healthy within our marriage? All that does is create lust in his mind and heart that is a slippery slope to relapse my friend. It just isnt worth it....
I have read countless threads on this forum from addicts that have years of sobriety and recovery and they still avoid the imagery, still do not watch movies that have R ratings. Something tells me that it works.
Dont get confused and caught up with the addict mind thinking that eventually you can view "safe" images without having dire consequences. There are countless addicts that slowly got right back to where they started by letting those images be acceptable....
www.yourbrainonporn.com
In fact you should show this to your husband because he also needs to understand what is happening on a physiological level.
The reboot will help his brain chemistry to begin to return to normal, but he will always be an addict and he will always need to create healthy boundaries for himself in order to stay sober.
While he is abstaining you and he need to work on non-sexual intimacy since addicts are intimacy avoidants to begin with, they need to understand the importance of non-sexual intimacy in their relationship before they can begin to rebuild sexual intimacy.
That takes as long as needed for both people.
Recovery takes years, not months.
As for separation I agree, but unfortunately I can't afford to live separately from him right now and I do not want to bring my babies into this. If I am going to leave it's because I'm leaving to not come back. That makes sense- I don't ever want this plague coming back into our marriage hoping that we are able to work it out.
Candy and Shanas... That is what I would like- is reconnecting or finding our non- sexual intimacy, but so many times people have told me how that is IMPOSSIBLE because men need sex and they are visual creatures.
Shanas I have viewed the website extensively and that's why I turned it down when it was brought up because I felt it was directed at only addicts. Also he see nothing seriously wrong with it even as far as how it could effect him.... He just stated how psychologically we both think different things are acceptable and were raised differently. It seems as if he is "stopping" because he is being "forced" to stop and because I'm insecure about it.
But yes I want to bring this up to him and see if he will accept the challenge.
Good luck to all those who are recovering!
The second time I did not have sex with my wife, but it was because of a medical issue she was having. At that point I was more aware of the damage caused by hanging on to certain aspects of the addiction and was more willing to let go of those things, and really I think that made the biggest difference. Still, there were benefits to not having sex during that period, such as that it helped me learn to focus on being present during intimate moments without pushing things to the next level. Now that she's recovered from her medical issues, we are having relations again, and it is better than ever.
Once my husband hit, oh, about 1 month, all hell broke loose--he realized the extent of his acting out, he was facing all the negative emotions that he used his addictions to hide from and couldn't cope, it was something else. We are still reeling from the revelations during that time.
Your own relationship will likely have its own changes of direction, based on the truths that are revealed during the abstinence process (not necessarily about the acting out per se, but about the addictive mindset that has nowhere else to hide and outs itself).
I know you are right in what you say - as im only 4 months recovering my addict mind still wants to hold onto these things as normal..i know for me this cannot be allowed anymore as i have ruined my brain in relation to all, even mild sexual imagery....and your husband is following good healthy boundaries and staying the path, having thought about it since i posted, i know this is my future also... there is no other way.
I know my future is to avoid all imagery and promote 100pc transparency with whoever i am with (i dont know if my marriage will revive- only god can decide for me now)
And yes - the more i walk into recovery the more i can see how the media is forcing objectification as normal.. i can open a paper or magazine without something that could trigger. I admire your courage... andyour husbands steadfastness to work it day by day and i hope that God gives me the grace to do the same.
The 90 day reboot should be infinite if trust and reconciliation are to be rekindled.
If this is the case, the you and he both need to accept the fact that he is dealing with something over which he has no control.
Until this happens, you and he are sending each other mixed messages.
He doesn't believe he has an addiction and you are doubting that he has an addiction.
Deal with the reality of the situation rather than minimizing the situation.
If you and he continue to do this, then you will be the one who continues to suffer.