Sex Offenders Wife Community Group
A place where wives, ex-wives, and girlfriends of sex offenders can share with each other.
Backstory- My fiancé and I have been together over a year. He took a plead deal in February for a crime he didn't commit because he was facing 92 years.
His probation officer came tonight. He flipped our whole house, he "found " a meth pipe in our closet. I'm not entirely certain that it wasn't planted. We haven't done meth, together or seperate, ever. We rent the property and haven't been here over two months so it very well could have been there from before.
Its been so very awful. We learned we can't legally have children, which is one of my only desires. Im going through PTSD and anxiety through the roof. I am so done and dont know where to turn and its only been a month.
First off, Maverick, you will have to relax, slow down, and try not to allow this to upset you so much. Having a temper and being a smart ass who likes “to mess with them” will get your fiancé’s probation violated. Instead of him being with you every night, you will have to visit him in jail or prison.
Since he was looking at 92 years in prison, probation was a blessing. You may or may not look at probation in this manner, but he alternative---prison---is much worse.
Don’t get me wrong; I am 100% on your side as I am a former prisoner and a sex offender myself as the result of a false conviction many years ago, but you have to LEARN TO PLAY THE GAME.
I hate the system with a passion and I am ALWAYS working for the good of the offender, his wife, his GF, his mother or his family. Offenders are underdogs and I like to help underdogs.
And I never judge anyone b/c of their crime.
You may be new to the system, but “learning to play the game” is imperative if you want your fiancé’s probation time to go well and be as painless as possible. And trust me, this is just a game, a sick game, but a game nevertheless that the state plays with offenders.
Playing the game----There will be times when the PO is so unreasonable and hateful that you will want to rip his heart out---but you cannot do that. The power differential between a probationer and a PO is so great that fussing with the PO is like fighting a man armed with an AR-15 military rifle with a pea shooter. The offender will NEVER win this match, and it will only make the PO more irritated with the offender, which could led to negative repercussions down the road.
So learn to smile when the PO comes around. Learn to say “sure thing” or “yes, sir” a lot. Of course there are limits. POs are only officers of the court and their mission is to see that the offender abides by the probation conditions, so there are limits to what the PO can do. While they do have a wide range of powers they can use to “rehabilitate the offender,” they cannot just make up silly restrictions.
I look at POs much like the COs we had in prison. I rarely spoke to them unless spoken to first, and I almost never carried on a conversation with them. But they tolerated me with no problems b/c I did not give them any problem. A few times they said to me, “REW, we need you to this or that.” I always just grinned and “sure thing.” I did not make a big deal out of it, as it was not a big deal.
I did not like all the little things the CO asked of both me and the inmates to do, but the very last thing in the world I would ever do is to let them know they had pissed me off. I did not want to give them that satisfaction, so I played along with their game.
There was once incident when I got slick with an officer during a shakedown. He said, “REW, if you don’t keep your mouth shut, I will take every piece of property you have and throw on the floor in front of your cell and I will take everything in this cell as contraband.” I just walked off.
Why? I had learned to play the game. Most COs and POs are not inherently evil human beings and they only have a job to do, but I agree that some of them are asses.
Remember, your fiancé signed a plea negotiation which included probation in lieu of prison. Also remember that being on probation is considered being in prison but allowing the probationer to serve his time at home. Instead of eating stale bread, grits, and greasy pork chops which require a chain saw to cut them, he is eating decent food. And he has much more freedom on probation than if he was in prison. Additionally, he can be with you on a physical basis on probation, which he cannot do in prison.
He is still serving his mandated sentence as set out by the sentencing court and will be until his probation is finished.
So it pays to play nice with the PO. In the beginning the PO is like God, so do your best to establish a decent relationship with him. All POs are hard asses in the beginning until they see if a probationer is a troublemaker or not. If your guy follows all the rules and maintains a good relationship with the PO, I can guarantee you that in a few months, the PO will be much more lenient and easy to get along with. POs know who the problem probationers are, so just have your guy to lay back and do what needs to be done. And you should not get lippy with the PO as it will only hurt your guy.
You said, “My fiancé is a sex offender, he took a plea deal to a crime he did not commit in February because they were ready to give him 92 years behind bars when the only evidence they had was word of mouth.”
I understand. These sex charges are unfair and more innocent people are charged and convicted than the public knows. I got 20 real years in prison for a crime I did not even commit, so I know how frustrated you are with the system.
Now for your current problem----
You said, “They came in, the person with him was not his PO but he decided he wanted to flip the house. So they did, they tore my house apart.’
I am assuming that the PO was present when all this went down. If they tore the house apart, they were tipped off from someone, as POs never tear the place up without a tip that something is there.
While on probation and since your fiancé is still under the custody of the state---and has not completed his sentence---he has no Fourth Amendment protection against unreasonable searches and seizures. In other words, they can come into the house and start searching without a search warrant signed by a judge. The Fourth Amendment protection is one of the protections a probationer gives up when he accepts the conditions of his probation. If you will read the rules of probation he signed, it will say that a PO can come in at any time and look around. Most of the time they come in, maybe look in the fridge to make sure there is no beer or alcoholic beverages, go through the house and browse around, but they do not start ransacking drawers. Someone reported your husband for something if they tore up the house.
But there is another reason POs sometimes go through the house the way he did. If the probationer gets on his bad side, the PO can tear the house up just for spite----and it happens. Another reason to play nice, btw.
During the search of your house, one reason they may have zeroed in on dolls and collectibles is that children like dolls; sometimes where there are dolls and children’s’ toys, there were children present at one time. I don’t know anything about your fiance’s crime, but if it involved minors, they do not want him to have contact with any minors, so you want to make sure you keep all dolls, toys, and photographs of children hidden from them.
As I said, the advice I have given you is advice that I have experienced in almost 20 years of working in prison reform and with offenders and their families.
Try to cool it somewhat and put this behind you. Be nice, be respectful, and treat the PO with kid gloves and in a few months, he will slack off.
You and your fiancé CAN do this. This may be difficult at times, but it is DOABLE. Get through this probation and both of you can get on with your lives in a positive manner.
If you have any specific questions, let me know.
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