OK, so my husband is a registered sex offender for doing something inappropriate with his 9 year old niece while high in the 90s (still not sure what he did because he has yet to tell me, though he did finally confess that he was guilty after 2 years of lying). Because of that he is unable to find work. We have researched everything in order to help him find work, including legitimate work online through companies like Upwork and Outsourcely, and he has followed through on leads from his probation officer but nothing has come through yet. 

This means that I am responsible for covering everything, and I gross 38k before deductions are taken out. In fact, the only way that I can barely cover our expenses is by not contributing to 401k and not paying federal or state taxes up front - I opt to surrender my annual bonus to pay these taxes the following year. And even doing things this way is tight unless I work obscene amounts of overtime that leave me feeling uptight and more disillusioned than I already feel. So you can imagine how frustrating it is to constantly decline invitations from our friends to go to the movies or to grab a bite to eat. They may think we are standoff (although I am a homebody) but the truth is that we just don't have the money to spend $40 every weekend on one meal. 

My family doesn't know that he is an RSO or anything about it or if they do since he comes up online they haven't mentioned it, so they attribute that we never go to my nephews school things to me not being into kids (which is true), but the truth is it's because he cannot be anywhere where children frequent. They also know that he is perpetually looking for work, but they are starting to wonder why he never finds anything in comparison to another family member who has no problem finding temp work. 

On top of all of these things associated with being with an RSO he was diagnosed as bipolar 2 months after we were wed. I cannot tell you how difficult that is. On a scale of one to ten the level of difficulty is probably thirty-eight. Every day comes with at least one moment of frustration, perhaps from yelling at other cars while driving, when he gets angry because he decides that some way I always handle something is not good enough anymore (and then when I change it the next day he gets angry again and wants me to change it back, when he complains about why we need to spend money (none of which he brings home) on something for the home, when he complains about the smell of cooking in the home, when he complains about how tight the budget is, when he complains about wanting to go an a vacation none of which we can afford, or any other thousand things that he complains or gets angry about which are inconsistent from one day to the next. And this is while he is taking medication, so you can imagine how bad it was prior to that.

Being married to an RSO or a bipolar person is hard enough on it's own, so it is extremely hard when taken together. Our only hope right now is to get him off the registry in the early 20s when he is first eligible to come off. 

The regret that I feel is for the whole thing. I was one of those dumb women who thought that love prevails over all and that there is opportunity for things to get better. What I wish I knew then was to take the relationship as it was. Despite being married for several years now I know that if I could do it all over again I would not marry him. In fact, I am so jaded from the experience that I would probably never give up the gift of singleness. But as it is right now, I'm stuck and separation and divorce is not an option. It's like I'm taking care of a  child (despite the whole sexual thing of course) and I just hate it. It's like our whole marriage is about him and I get nothing especially from him. Even when he gets money from me, his mom, his uncle, or my parents (which is pathetic considering that he is 40 and mainly spends that money on beer), I can assume that I'm not getting even the cheap bargain bin flowers that he used to buy from the grocery store or an inexpensive trinket). Just something on our anniversary and that's it.

So between workinig, cooking, and keeping everything together, I'm spent. But that doesn't matter. As long as he has what he wants and the house stays together it doesn't matter how I feel. I'm grateful that we have been able to go this long in our own apartment, but it's very disheartening to know that ours is not a marriage of two people but, more accurately, is one person providing and doing everything and the other person moving in with a knapsack. 

Just so much regret...