Senior Dating & Sexuality Support Group

This community is intended for senior to discuss senior dating and sexuality, and the specific issues that arise for seniors, such as starting over as a widow or widower.

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Age, Stage of Life, Health differences

Cathleennd
Cathleennd
Most of the time I feel there's one obvious answer to my question, but also am confused. I (51) have been dating a 66 yo man for over a year. We get along great and have such a great time together. I have told him from the beginning that its too soon for me (newly divorced) to be in a serious relationship, but he has been divorced for a while and totally wants the full relationship deal. He's ready, I'm not. Also his health has declined in the last year considerably - serious stuff with heart and cancer. I really want to help him get through his medical problems, but the more I stay and do the more I feel I am leading him on. Altho' I've been brutally honest all along - he just wants to stay and wait it out. He has no relatives near here and I have kinda become the liaison between him and his kids - calling them when he has medical issues. I don't want to stay out of guilt, but not ready to leave. Anyone else run into this???? thanks.
Ackroyd
Ackroyd
It's not clear what kind of relationship you have now with him. Is it platonic? What is a "serious relationship?" I'm guessing you mean by "serious relationship" you'll live together and have sex, for only having sex together doesn't constitute a "serious relationship."

No, don't have move in with him or tell him you'll marry him, join forces with him, share wealth together, or be buried next to him. You don't love him. And you've made that clear to him already. If he continues under some kind of illusion about the relationship going anywhere, disabuse him immediately. The poor guy wants to be loved, of course, but love from someone who really does, not from someone pretending in order to protect him from the truth.
new2free
new2free
Cathleen, I can understand so well what you mean by this dilemma. I think at our older age things are not so cut and dried because we are not necessarily in relationships purely for the longterm commited relationship only.

It sounds to me as though you consider this as a very committed friendship and you love him and care for him as a very good friend. So as long as you are not trying to allow him to think that there is anything more or a long term commitment here, I think there is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

I can understand, as I have a similar but different type of relationship in my life. It can be difficult at times, but you cannot just switch off that love and caring, especially when you know there is no one else around for him to rely on in his failing health.
KittyKai
KittyKai
Men are men! No doubt about it!
deleted_user
deleted_user
You don't specify what the full relationship deal is so I'm speculating its some type of live in and full on love making. And you get to notify his children when he has medical issues. What is that.. At 51 you gotta lot of livin to do and hanging aroun with a man that, just wants to wait it out doesn't sound very appealing, and I'm i guy. It's all up to you but I would warn about a live in.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What do you "get" out of this relationship? Sometimes having a true friend is its own reward. Do you feel that kind of friendship for this man? If so, tell him that and make sure he knows the boundaries between friend and lover or life partner. Are you staying out of pity? Or, do you truly value his friendship? Think this thru and act accordingly. There are other options between staying and leading him on or dropping him and moving on . . . opposite sex friends are very valuable in that they provide insights not gleaned from same sex friendships. Just clarify your relationship for whatever it really is. At 51, you probably will not want to tie yourself down to a very sick 66 year old . . . think carefully about the longterm results.