I have been struggling with cutting since I was 15 (I'm 18 now), but I started cutting when I was 9. No one told me that cutting was a bad thing between 9 and 15, and it helped me focus on something else when my stepdad sexually abused me. Recently though, the urges have come back full force, most likely caused by a reduction in the effectiveness of my antidepressant or the recent sexual assault that I survived in October perpetrated by a previous therapist( pretty messed up, right? Yes, I did report him to the Dept. of Health). Anyways, So last night I cut again, searching for a relief from this internal tension that is hard to put into words or describe. However normally by the next morning, I am guilty as hell for what I had done, and I again swear that I am done cutting for good. This morning though, I don't feel that guilt. In fact, I still feel the euphoria from the cutting. I can breathe easier, and the constant stinging keeps me grounded in the moment. It is weird to not feel guilty about it, and I am kind of nervous how counseling will go today if I tell my counselor that I don't feel bad about cutting. I know she'll be disappointed in me, but I almost don't care! I hope that doesn't sound too awful, but I really like being able to breathe freely and stay here in the present. Has anyone else been weirded out by not feeling guilty after cutting? How do you keep yourself safe when like this? Thanks! ~Tracie