Self-Injury Support Group
Whether you or someone you know or love struggles with self-injury, this is the community to discuss your experience, find support, meet others going through the same, and get advice on how to stop. Working together, we can help find alternative coping skills to reduce the urge to self-harm.
Hi all,
Maybe this isn't exactly the group for me...I'm struggling trying to find a place, to find people to learn from and talk to.
My 12yo daughter is cutting, I discovered it about 3mo ago and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I had noticed a few odd things, like she never ever took a favorite sweat shirt off. I thought it was because she really liked it (it took her almost 2mo to even talk me into buying it). I noticed a cut one night on her arm, asked what it was, and she had a reasonable sounding answer. The next week, the school called me to tell me they had discovered several more marks higher on her arm.
Now, my daughter is regularly cutting and doesn't seem to have any shame in it. Please, please, please do not get me wrong...shame is not really the word that I want, but I've been sitting here trying to think of the right one. She is struggling, and I understand that. I don't expect her to feel shame and don't think she should for struggling emotionally. Guess what I mean is that she no longer hides them...she wears her tank tops and tiny shorts and lets the whole world see them. When she notices someone noticing the scars and fresh wounds, she just says that she doesn't care that they notice.
Her attitude has turned from that of a normal, happy girl to a very distant, tempremental, violent individual. Her youngest brother is terrified of her. She is physically and verbally abusive to him. He just takes it. He is only 9. but is a very wise little boy. He understands, deep down, that she is struggling. Neither of her brothers ever, ever use her issues against her. They never, ever throw her behaviors back in her face...yet she will do it to them any chance she gets (my middle child is a high-functioning autistic).
She had a harsh realization yesterday and a first real consequence to her cutting. She has been looking forward to a school-sponsored field trip for weeks, to a great waterpark nearby. I received a phone call from the asst principal of the school and she told me that they decided my daughter wouldn't be able to go. The pools will not allow her in with all of the open wounds that she has. I completely understood. I asked if she could go and just not go in the pools and I was told no, that they worried she would become a behavior issue...and quite frankly, they are right.
Life for my daughter hasn't been easy. I am the first to admit that. I have always done the best that I can, but feel like a complete failure as a mother that I haven't done enough!
Today, we had a huge fight. She told me that everybody hates her, that nobody cares about her, that nobody loves her. I was hurt...we're all struggling too. I'm killing myself trying to keep her safe, trying to get her back and forth to appointments. I worry non-stop about her harming herself worse, about her killing herself, about her harming one of her brothers, about whether or not she will take off. My life revolves around her right now and I'm just trying to figure out what to do to HELP her! It is serious enough that I've started looking into residential facilities to place her in temporarily...but even that seems wrong. I don't want her to feel like I'd "sold out" on her, when all I want to do is to save her.
Please, I hope everyone understands that my purpose for being here isn't to judge anyone. I just need some insight...just trying to figure out what else I can be doing to help get her through this struggle. If I could take away the pain, I would...
Maybe this isn't exactly the group for me...I'm struggling trying to find a place, to find people to learn from and talk to.
My 12yo daughter is cutting, I discovered it about 3mo ago and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I had noticed a few odd things, like she never ever took a favorite sweat shirt off. I thought it was because she really liked it (it took her almost 2mo to even talk me into buying it). I noticed a cut one night on her arm, asked what it was, and she had a reasonable sounding answer. The next week, the school called me to tell me they had discovered several more marks higher on her arm.
Now, my daughter is regularly cutting and doesn't seem to have any shame in it. Please, please, please do not get me wrong...shame is not really the word that I want, but I've been sitting here trying to think of the right one. She is struggling, and I understand that. I don't expect her to feel shame and don't think she should for struggling emotionally. Guess what I mean is that she no longer hides them...she wears her tank tops and tiny shorts and lets the whole world see them. When she notices someone noticing the scars and fresh wounds, she just says that she doesn't care that they notice.
Her attitude has turned from that of a normal, happy girl to a very distant, tempremental, violent individual. Her youngest brother is terrified of her. She is physically and verbally abusive to him. He just takes it. He is only 9. but is a very wise little boy. He understands, deep down, that she is struggling. Neither of her brothers ever, ever use her issues against her. They never, ever throw her behaviors back in her face...yet she will do it to them any chance she gets (my middle child is a high-functioning autistic).
She had a harsh realization yesterday and a first real consequence to her cutting. She has been looking forward to a school-sponsored field trip for weeks, to a great waterpark nearby. I received a phone call from the asst principal of the school and she told me that they decided my daughter wouldn't be able to go. The pools will not allow her in with all of the open wounds that she has. I completely understood. I asked if she could go and just not go in the pools and I was told no, that they worried she would become a behavior issue...and quite frankly, they are right.
Life for my daughter hasn't been easy. I am the first to admit that. I have always done the best that I can, but feel like a complete failure as a mother that I haven't done enough!
Today, we had a huge fight. She told me that everybody hates her, that nobody cares about her, that nobody loves her. I was hurt...we're all struggling too. I'm killing myself trying to keep her safe, trying to get her back and forth to appointments. I worry non-stop about her harming herself worse, about her killing herself, about her harming one of her brothers, about whether or not she will take off. My life revolves around her right now and I'm just trying to figure out what to do to HELP her! It is serious enough that I've started looking into residential facilities to place her in temporarily...but even that seems wrong. I don't want her to feel like I'd "sold out" on her, when all I want to do is to save her.
Please, I hope everyone understands that my purpose for being here isn't to judge anyone. I just need some insight...just trying to figure out what else I can be doing to help get her through this struggle. If I could take away the pain, I would...
I actually had her primary doctor refuse to see her. I was worried about infection and called to make an appointment with him. The receptionist asked me what she needed to be seen for, I told her, and was placed on hold. The nurse came on several minutes later and told me that he would not see her, that I had to take her out to the ER if I had any concern regarding something that she did to herself. I was so angry! This is a doctor that we have seen for years, I wasn't asking him to do anything other than treat a physical issue...was asking for zero help with the mental health aspect...and was flatly refused an appt. I got off the phone and cried, called her therapist, and she recommended another doctor. That one saw us without question and treated the physical issue we went in for.
I do understand the consequences of placing her in a residential facility. I'm struggling with those constantly. I do not want her to feel worse, to feel like we abandoned her...when in actuality, it is to try to help her. All of the facilities that I've spoken to so far have been very clear in how they work, that my daughter can't come and go as she pleases (she's 12...I wouldn't expect that she could), that I can't just come and get her for lunch or a weekend at home. That would be hard for me, but I think we could do it. I just feel like I'm losing her and I'm always on edge, worrying that I will push her further away.
I just want to be clear, I am not ashamed when she shows her scars. Her grandmother, as much as she loves her, makes her cover them before she will take her out. I notice the looks, the shakes of the head, the disgusted looks, the looks of people feeling sorry for me or her. I am not happy with how she is dealing with things, it hurts me too...but I am not ashamed of her.
Also- You came to the right place to look for answers to get help. :) Most of the people who belong to this board have been through cutting at some point in their life, and some of the other people are just like you, searching for answers about their loved ones cutting. It is a hard situation, and I know that in reality, she doesn't want y'all to feel pain. She just doesn't know what to do. By all means it doesn't excuse how she's treating her brothers especially, and in honesty, with her abusing her brothers because of all of this is a major cry to go rehab. Again, y'all are in my thoughts and prayers.
I realize, in my head, that I haven't directly caused this...but as a parent, when your child hurts, so do you. It's hard not to feel bad, to wonder how it could have been prevented. Like I said, I realize in my head that this is her struggle. As parents, all we want are happy and healthy children. It's hard not to feel like you've let them down when they aren't. Like I said...I know this is her struggle.
Again, thank you so much for the kind words. 'm surprised how rudely I've been treated on other sites, as a parent looking for assistance. I'm not here to judge anyone, simply gain some insight and you guys have been very helpful and made me do some more thinking. Kvhsports, you made me think about something with what you said...it's been quite a while since I've hugged my daughter, because she hasn't allowed me to. I have "forced" her to let me a few times over the last few days. By "forced", I don't mean I've held the poor kid and literally FORCED her to hug me...but I have grabbed her tightly and just hugged her a few times. The first time, she pulled away...the last time, she relaxed and just let me. I don't know if it's because she was just giving in, knowing I was going to do it...or because she appreciated it.