"It's as if I want to feel as extreme on the outside as I do on the inside"
That's how I feel, I get REALLY reckless sometimes, I feel the need to match the things I feel inside to my outside. It's the reason I steal my parents alcohol, have ever smoked or bought a pack of cigarettes, it's the reason I've almost flipped over a car, then proceeded to laugh hysterically while I cried and had a panic attack.... it's the reason I've done a lot of bad things, and still I can't seem to feel like a balance has been met.

Me too. My balance still hasn't been met either. I always feel so angry and end up doing stupid things. Things that often get me into trouble.

I'm sure if I let them continue into adulthood mine will ruin my life, I don't want that at all.

I think what you are experiencing is wanting to understand what is on the inside so badly that you externalize it. On the outside things are easier to handle. For instance, you can make a cut, watch it bleed, watch it stop bleeding, watch it scab, watch it heal over, see a scar. There is a process from the beginning to the end. Sometimes what we feel inside never seems to end. It just makes us feel out of control and worthless all of the time. If you learn what is causing your inner turmoil and begin to track the progress of your healing you will eventually feel better and not have the need to externalize the pain. At least that is how it was for me.

Something that helps us self-abusers is doing things that are creative such as art or going to a poetry jam. I don't know why I feel this way about you, but I really feel you need to get into something creative and put those hands to better use. if u cant draw, who cares. get those feelings out on paper and sharing it with others may help in your recovery process. good luck and big hugs!

check out this site http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dej22djjBrw