Very sorry to hear you have such a lousy support system in your family; that makes any kind of recovery difficult and I'm sorry for your loss of your grandmother; I'm sure that was extremely difficult and still is. One thing I can recommend is to use your parents' negativity to your advantage; in other words, when they say something like "cut yourself & finish the job off" or anything else that's abusive, tell yourself you'll do the exact opposite and continue fighting harder to stay on the straight & narrow and to get rid of the urges you face so often because let's face it, one of the best ways of revenge is to prove someone wrong.
Hopefully in the process of doing t his you'll start to realize you really do have a reason to live and that you want to get and stay harm-free for yourself because you do have self-worth and you deserve to be healthy & happy.

Thank you. I'm an amazing child and I know that. I cant see why my parents cant see it. I work hard in school and get all A's. I volunteer at several places and have gone crazy looking for a job. Ive been in the stupid classes for school all my life. i didnt learn to read until 6th grade. This year ive finally got accepted for advanced english. im getting sick of fighting and hearing that i cant do it. All my tests and grades are 100 (there is a lot too) except for one test that is a 95.

It isnt really that im trying to kill myself. I just want my emotional pain to stop. In all honesty I kinda dont care because i dont want to live anymore. i never have. but its not like i want to take my life.

My parents being negative has given me a lot of emotional problems but also pushed me to do harder. Sometimes i can just zone out but they take things to a max everytime. They say im stupid and deserve getting raped in freshman year. Im the type of girl who sometimes crys her eyes out for 8 hours because someone called me ugly. Most my friends i have cut off for backstabbing, trying to get me on birth control and force me into relationships, or force themself on me. (i dont need birth control because im not having sex but they dont seem to understand that). I havent even really told anyone my grandmother has passed away. so it hurts not talking about it. i know for a fact i cant talk to my family.

Yea u sound like a very hard working person and you're going to do well in life once you're out of your parent's home. Since you haven't been able to talk to anyone about your grandmother's passing; maybe if you write your feelings down in a journal or even draw, sketch something that lets those emotions out of you so you can grieve properly that should help you out.

I was very close to my Grandma too. She died 2 years ago and it was a shock. I am crying now thinking of her still. She was like my mom. I know how that hurts hon.

You sound like a smart girl who has gotten a bad wrap from your parents. Pretty soon you will be off to college. Just focus on your studies for now.

I would try therapy again too. But you have to talk, even it is embarrassing or painful. You and your therapist will build a repoir and you will feel safe sooner than later. You do definitely need to process what has happened to you I.e. the rape. I was raped too, I understand. I cannot talk to my family about it. But I talked to my psychologist and I got BETTER.

Remember this...Friends, true friends, wont force you or pressure you to do anything you don't want. If someone is hurting your feelings cut them off now. Just take it one day at a time hon. No hurries for sex. I am abstinate and I am 40 years old. LOL!

Please talk to a school nurse or counselor and ask for help. You can tell them you want to die without actually telling them something like "I am going to kill myself!" If you say that then you might be hospitalized (which isn't that bad, I was hospitalized for two months Dec'88-Jan'89 when I was 15-16. and it saved my life) Anyway do say what you truly feel so that you get the proper treatment. I wish I could reach out and hug you because I feel like I was a lot like you and I relate to a lot. Good luck my dear.

i miss my grandmother, who i lost to cancer almost 6 years ago....it is what set me on a downward spiral of a bunch of crap...cutting was something i turned to...i still struggle with it, but not as much as before..

baaadpuddytat: i am also crying as i write this and remember her...