im at the boyfriends parents, with the boyfriend. i love his parents, but i just wish i were home in bed. i stayed in bed till nine today. usually,im up by like 8ish or so. sometimes earlier sometimes a little later. but today i wasnt getting out of bed if i didnt have to. of course i had to, one to take my meds and two because were going out to my boyfriends nannas today, to celebrate mothers day i think. i dont really know all i know is im going there, not that i want to be around anyone, just means i have to pretend for yet another dam day. im at the boyfriends parents till i think monday... and then tuesday i go back to work. i odnt want to work. dont want to move. dont want to try. i want to stay at home in bed. want to just lie there, and never move, never wake up. just lie there, lifelessly. but do i want to die? not necessairly. i dont know. i hate these moods, but i think this ones the worst.. the thoughts running through my mind are unbearable,a nd i cant tell anyone. what am i supposed to say.... oh you know.... blah blah blah. i dont know. i just want it all to end. i feel that if i dont tell certain people, that im protecting them, protecting myself. but i know im not protecting myself in the long run, because.... well.... im just not.


i want to take a blade.. slice it across my wrist, not caring wheather or not its deep. whether or not it bleeds. ive never made myself bleed alot... but the last couple days.. all i think about... is being alone for one minute and cutting myself. i dont know that i care anymore. dont know that anythings really worth it. id say who cares if i dont have kids... but i kinda do care. well the sane me would care. we all know how much i love children, want children. but right now, i dont even really care. nothing seems worth it. i mean, thats bad to say because i have a supportive boyfriend, fairly unknowledgable but kinda supportive family. i have caring friends, but i just.... right now, i dont know. dont know what im doing. dont know wher im going. dont know that anythings worth it. dont know that the future is worth going into. why? oh maybe because i know im always going to struggle with bipolar, maybe because im in a low at the moment and nothings worth it, maybe because i just dont care any more.. also the low talking. or maybe because i know im never going to get ahead. i know that the world is always going to be a struggle. and can i hold a struggle of bipolar and world? i dont know