im new to this so thought i would share my story. Im 18 and have been cutting for nearly 7 years now on and off. Recently its got worse and i feel like im struggling to get through each day. Things that used to make me happy are just chores now, if i had my way i would give up my job, and sit myself in my room all day everyday but i cant. I work because it means i can get drunk at the weekend, which is also a big problem because when i was 15 i drank everyday all day for a year and it got out of hand, im scared to go back there. I know everyones had it tough and some people more than me, but i cant help it. I dont know why im being like this, i dont want to eat, talk to anyone, go out. All i want to do is sit listening to the same song over and over with a drink. Ive always been an outgoing person, more than others probably as i would be out every day all day and only come in at bedtime. The thing thats really scaring me right now is i keep getting thoughts about death and cant trust myself to be alone cause no-one would be able to stop me doing it. I dont want to die, i just cut for a release, it helps me, keeps me sane. Without it, i cant cope right now. Im terrified to be myself but dont want to burden anyone with that kinda stuff. i just dont understand why all this is happening anymore. I feel like im going crazy, like im just watching me live day by day and im not living, im just existing. i am scared to ask for help because ive been studying care for 4 years and im in my final year, if i ask for help i probably wont be able to get a job and it will all be for nothing. I know i need some kind of help, my legs are covered in more than 300 cuts and scars. I cant live like this anymore. I get panicky and struggle to breath when i think about being in public and i feel like theres no way back for me. So theres my story.