I think you are dealing with mourning even more than SAD...totally to be expected. I went to counselling and told the lady there how I felt and when she teared up, I knew I was ok to be that sad. She said as long as we aren't walking around in sack cloth and ashes, we are fine.
as for Christmas. I moved this year, had my stuff in storage for 6 months and moved it again. I realized STUFF is just stuff...and so I am not giving alot of junk this year...i asked my grown kids if I could even skip stockings this year. I got small xmas bags, and smelly hand lotion for each girl and an aftershave for the boy and a joke gift for each of my kids and they are getting cash. boom. done. which is ironic since when I drove 8 hours to see them, I had a car loaded to the gills, and now I will drive an hour and have one bag to carry in. Older and wiser finally, I guess.
there is no right way to be.
just try to enjoy being with those you love and living in the moment on the day. You can steal some of their energy and good vibes without much effort. smile, watch and receive and give love. Some crazy folks are just manic this time of year, who needs the stress?
just my humble opinion.

Thanks for the fresh perspective, advice and encouragement. I believe that you are right with the mourning part, but it seems so hard for me during the winter. I love the summer, the sun and the warm temps. As far as Christmas, I guess that I feel let down during Christmas because you rush and try hard to find everyone the right gift and then after they open it, it's like what do we do for the rest of the day.

I didn't do many gifts this year...last year I was in the hospital alot in december...and I gave cash. why kill ourselves? I knit for my neices sometimes, and send them gifts at college for halloween and valentine's day. this year, my son is getting a silly hot mitt that has a tattoo'd hand on it and my daughter is getting a silly owl t shirt. and they are both getting My future daughter in law loves mason jars, so I got her chalk board stickers for them...and cash.
and the neices and my one nephew are getting - cash.
maybe another year I will be full of fun ideas...(I usually do a crazy matching gift for everyone, like silly t shirts or antler headbands etc) but this year? yeah, not so much.
Our gift is to love each other and let them know it. that is all that really matters.

I think bluviolet has it as far as it sounds like mourning and SAD working on you. I begged off T-day dinner and such. For me, this is my worst time of year. I decided to not put myself through what is truly unnecessary. Christmas is when I will be with my family.

Believe it or not, this is the first year I have completed my shopping for Christmas so early. I consider it a success for me to survive the holidays. Sad, but true.

Polly, give yourself a break. Be ever so gentle with yourself.

heatherhurts

I most definitely feel like you do. I am not a "holiday" person either..Just waiting for it to be over with. I hate winter, cold, cloudy days. I have had SAD for several years. Around March or April, I become a totally different person...energetic and happy. I thrive in hot, sunny weather. Today was a rainy, miserable day. I was off work and slept most of the day. Now, I sit here crying as I type this and don't know why. If it was only Spring........

I think it is normal to still be grieving people you have loved--especially around the holidays. We are hit by a media barrage of the "Xmas 'sell'"... We see all of these happy ads (meant to make us buy more) and sentimental movies (often ones we used to love). It takes courage to admit that you are not feeling great. Having SAD definitely does not help. I myself felt a little less judgmental toward myself when I read your post--I think I get hard on myself that I'm not in a better mood.

And when the sun sets....watch out! I have to remember to go turn on all my full spectrum lights, draw the curtains from the dark outside, and let the "sun" shine in.

I saw a great "joke" on facebook today, and it said "my favorite light display this holiday season is my lightbox"
truer words were never spoken.

Here Here!!!!

I am with you. The holidays are just a bad time I have to endure through rather than a time to celebrate. Buying presents is a struggle for me too. And seeing other people being so happy just makes it worse. Personally, I am glad when January comes and the holiday season is over. I just try to accept it for what it is, and not feel bad about not being cheerful. Really, this is the time of of year when the days are the shortest and light levels are the lowest, so why should anyone expect us who have SAD to be cheerful at this time of year?