Hello, 

Somehow in my mind I believe that being “alive” means you have the awareness and ability to telepathically communicate with people and also there are different levels of awareness based on each individuals ability to manipulate the other.  I often feel forced into these situations where i feel forced and I believe I’m telepathically talking to whomever is in my general physical area involuntarily.  I repeat the basically the same phrases when In my brain when this happens such as “I really don’t know what’s going on” “I just like to show respect” “I don’t think anything bad about you” “I am an idiot don’t pay attention to me” “im not really sure”. “Respect”. And In each and every moment this happens I believe I am telepathically communicating to whoever is in my general vicinity.  Lately I have had a huge problem woth feel misplaced guilt in the form of feeling guilty of being racist when I am not a racist so I then feel the need to prove it somehow but then me proving I think would be me being racist? I’m not sure but I know it tears me apart inside every time im around someone, anyone, who pays attention to me I think there is some race war and I have to choose sides and everything I do is some subtle passive aggressive “middle finger” because of their skin color, when in reality I don’t really give a shit what someone’s skin color is, I don’t think I do anyway, maybe I do is fuck?...also Sometimes I believe there is another person controlling me or using me to do their bidding against my will and there’s not way out of this “kidnapping” I’ve been a victim of.  It makes me not trust anyone and that makes it awfully hard to talk about.  Even the VA sometimes to me seems like they’re “kidnapping” me and I become very guarded in almost every scenario, except for situations where I feel

Misplaced guilt.  If I feel guilt, for any reason irrational or not, I will submit to whomever is in my general Physical space and this makes me feel “two faced” and probably makes me seem so as well.   There will almost always be a snap back “recoil” of this misplaced undeserved amount of my egos submission but it’s always when I’m alone by myself and I will berate these “invisible people” who torment me and twist my thoughts and turn me against myself.  I curse them over and over trying to intimidate, or make these

Invisible people feel as shitty as I did when I felt the misplaced guilt and felt manipulated and I constantly feel like I’m the victim of some awful manipulation mind game that everyone is aware of except for me....also when I experience the telepathy thing it almost always produces a cough  or a startling noise and feeling that I guess is designed to scare me but I’m already scared and clueless and all it does is make me more scared and clueless and more submissive and thus more recoil when I’m alone with no one to aim it at except myself and I think this is one big reason for my symptoms to act up.  Also about the feeling like I’m being controlled thing: I feel like there is someone inside of me who isn’t me and they “touch” or “invisibly bother” people around my

Physical space or i feel it’s me doing it involuntarily.  I hate when this happens because I would like to not ever touch or bother anyone.

Also I feel like the person or thing inside of me who isn’t me, forces me to think about the things I don’t want to think about the most or is always pressing my mind to dig through my past when I don’t want to constantly think of about my past...

Also I was thinking earlier that people “ride” with one another somehow, but if it were up to me I would not ever ride with anyone and I wouldn’t let anyone ride with me.  

Also I feel like when I’m by myself and sometimes when I am with other people everything I say gets twisted and distorted to fit someone else narrative.  Like there is something going on simultaneously while

I am trying to communicate there is some kind of “auto correct” that I’m  a socially fighting all the time in an effort to effectively express myself naturally and without this invisible thing who isn’t me, inside of me.  

I think this sums up my latest introspective session.  

Also I feel

Like my mind is constantly being “scanned” by some all knowing entity, or by people who better and telepathy...and they are always scanning my brain to see if I am lying or not and always trying to control me and force me to think like everyone else because I have a really cool mind but people want to destroy it by making me think or be mind controlled like everyone else and they’re jealous because my mind is so naturally weird and unique and it somehow “breaks the rules” by thinking how I naturally think amd that upsets people amd so they want to destroy my mind and essentially “kill me” by owning my mind?  I’m not sure why they’re always obsessed with owning and buying my memories...also I buy memories when I am at Kroger and basically any store I go to...I think of my

Own memories as I’m

Picking out items while at most stores...I don’t know why I guess it makes

Me Feel like I am somehow going to have my memories of who I am really am

Back somehow?  I’m not sure

But my motivation for doing this is hard to pin down...I absolutely fucking hate letters of all kinds...I have letters like ABCDE and even the pronunciation of letters is somehow owned by different people in my mind and hate it and I’m always trying to get away from it and it tortures me.  I subconsciously place these letters and sounds  instead of real people’s names!! I hate when my Mind involuntarily or voluntarily does that...letters are people somehow and those people don’t want to be named so they hide behind letters and other peoples mannerisms and they force me to play song in some kind of fucked up twisted game that I don’t want to nor did I ever want to be a part of that.

And in my mind I’m constant always getting “secret messages” from people and it is somehow never myself writing anything that I wrote or thinking anything that I think because somehow it is all being sent to me by some individual or individuals who want the credit for the good things that happen because of the stuff they send me but it’s all my fault and I suffer when it’s bad.  And I don’t get a choice or whatever they send me.    It leaves Me feeling powerless like I have no control or ownership over my own life except for all the negative consequences because if something good happens then someone else gets the good karma.  And sometimes I think there are people telepathically communicating on my behalf who aren’t necessarily doing things in my best interest.  Like somehow people know how to telepathically communicate and how to break into other Peoples brains and pretend to be them or telepathically communicate to people physically around that person and I cannot hear them but I think they say or do really fucked up shit to me and makes

Me look like an asshole....

There’s a lot to unpack here but I want to talk about all of this with my therapist on Monday...

Note to self: don’t forget to read this verbatim to someone you guys have never seen and neither have I so you all can fuck off you bastards who torture Me everyday...