Schizophrenia Support Group
Schizophrenia is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental disorder characterized by impairments in the perception of reality and by significant social dysfunction. Untreated schizophrenia is typically characterized by demonstrating disorganized thinking and experiencing delusions or auditory hallucinations.
I used to frequent this website like a year ago I would come here for advice and return the favor. It's been awhile, so Hi everyone.
In the time since I last logged in a lot has happened my son is almost two and I've gotten married to my sons father. Things are moving along. However in that same breath I haven't been medicated in almost 3 years come December. The decision was made after I spent a stint of time where I was placed in a hospital against my will by my doctor they put me on so many meds I could barely stay awake let alone take care of myself my now husband had to do everything from help me shower to brush my teeth. It has been a long road to this point I find myself feeling the pitfalls of not having medication everyday even though I never really liked being on my meds. I don't see a therapist and I would really love to go back but I'm afraid to see anyone for counseling because the threat of being back in the hospital is always lingering over my head. I manage pretty good on my own without meds or doctors but I feel like its great to have someone to unload all the bullshit on as often as I need to. Being a stay at home mom/housewife though it has its perks can be a draining and very unforgiving job I often find myself feeling taken for granted. I feel like I'm a teenager trying to get someone to listen to me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my husband but he doesn't listen to me talk. I have this thing where I feel like if you have headphones in and the tv blasting at 90 volume you're not taking time to listen. I've been dealing with a lot and I love to have some one to talk to and even though a therapist would be getting paid at least someone who hear my voice. I often feel like lately I'm skipping along and the sun is shining and my skin feels the rays beaming down on my face and before I know it I've tripped and fallen into a pit of despair and rage and unhappiness and its never ending I feel like I spiral just to be caught on a cloud and the cloud dissipates into nothingness and the swirl goes so far down until I'm picked back up again. The other day I was having a conversation with lets just call him "the wall" and he was telling me your husband was sent here to block you from what they're going to do to you he's here so they don't have to send white vans hes here so that when they come to kill me I wont see it coming. I panicked to shit and I didn't take my eyes off my husband I rummage through his cell phone looking to see if I can find something that will hint me to whether or not "the wall" is telling me the truth. I feel like if I get into a therapist before I find out the truth the therapist will attempt to have me put away because maybe they are apart of the whole thing maybe that's what they want me to do so they can dope me up some more and make me worthless. All these thoughts swirling in my mind I feel clouded I cant sleep anymore because I'm scared theres someone out there watching and waiting, I'm scared they're going to take my son I'm scared I'll get put in a hospital and they'll release me and I'll find out that my family wasn't even mine and they will be gone. I promised myself and my husband if I ever went to another hospital I wouldn't come home because that means I failed it means I cant take care of myself and whats the point because if I cant take care of me then how am I supposed to take care of anyone else and why should they trust me or better yet why should I trust them? I don't know whats coming next from one minute to the other and I'm nervous about it all. If I could stay up forever and never blink I wouldn't miss a thing. But its so draining. So theres my load of crap on your door step. I'm sorry to anyone who finds this offensive or you know whatever but I'm happy its off my chest.
In the time since I last logged in a lot has happened my son is almost two and I've gotten married to my sons father. Things are moving along. However in that same breath I haven't been medicated in almost 3 years come December. The decision was made after I spent a stint of time where I was placed in a hospital against my will by my doctor they put me on so many meds I could barely stay awake let alone take care of myself my now husband had to do everything from help me shower to brush my teeth. It has been a long road to this point I find myself feeling the pitfalls of not having medication everyday even though I never really liked being on my meds. I don't see a therapist and I would really love to go back but I'm afraid to see anyone for counseling because the threat of being back in the hospital is always lingering over my head. I manage pretty good on my own without meds or doctors but I feel like its great to have someone to unload all the bullshit on as often as I need to. Being a stay at home mom/housewife though it has its perks can be a draining and very unforgiving job I often find myself feeling taken for granted. I feel like I'm a teenager trying to get someone to listen to me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my husband but he doesn't listen to me talk. I have this thing where I feel like if you have headphones in and the tv blasting at 90 volume you're not taking time to listen. I've been dealing with a lot and I love to have some one to talk to and even though a therapist would be getting paid at least someone who hear my voice. I often feel like lately I'm skipping along and the sun is shining and my skin feels the rays beaming down on my face and before I know it I've tripped and fallen into a pit of despair and rage and unhappiness and its never ending I feel like I spiral just to be caught on a cloud and the cloud dissipates into nothingness and the swirl goes so far down until I'm picked back up again. The other day I was having a conversation with lets just call him "the wall" and he was telling me your husband was sent here to block you from what they're going to do to you he's here so they don't have to send white vans hes here so that when they come to kill me I wont see it coming. I panicked to shit and I didn't take my eyes off my husband I rummage through his cell phone looking to see if I can find something that will hint me to whether or not "the wall" is telling me the truth. I feel like if I get into a therapist before I find out the truth the therapist will attempt to have me put away because maybe they are apart of the whole thing maybe that's what they want me to do so they can dope me up some more and make me worthless. All these thoughts swirling in my mind I feel clouded I cant sleep anymore because I'm scared theres someone out there watching and waiting, I'm scared they're going to take my son I'm scared I'll get put in a hospital and they'll release me and I'll find out that my family wasn't even mine and they will be gone. I promised myself and my husband if I ever went to another hospital I wouldn't come home because that means I failed it means I cant take care of myself and whats the point because if I cant take care of me then how am I supposed to take care of anyone else and why should they trust me or better yet why should I trust them? I don't know whats coming next from one minute to the other and I'm nervous about it all. If I could stay up forever and never blink I wouldn't miss a thing. But its so draining. So theres my load of crap on your door step. I'm sorry to anyone who finds this offensive or you know whatever but I'm happy its off my chest.
About the meds...maybe you can find a pdoc who is not so med happy and will give you enough to take the edge off and not be so zombiish.
I am glad your back. Missed you.
My thoughts are slow these days so sorry for not writing more of a response.
I've just always been so afraid to go back. I know my son and husband would be okay without me but I would be a wreck. Maybe I'm just making up excuses.
I'm looking for someone who isn't going to put me back on the long acting shot. It worked but the side effects aren't worth it. I am hoping to find a therapist so I can have a broader outlet it's been hard without that.