Hi!!! This is my first time talking in the schizophrenia support group. I was diagnosed when I was 23 yrs old. I started hearing voices when I was 13 yrs old. I didn't say anything because my mother and father would either think it was the devil, or have me locked up. 

When I was 15 I put a knife that was in the barn to my stomache. I never told my parents, I still to this day haven't.  Only reason I didn't push it in  was because I didn't want my horses to trample me while I was dying or already dead. At that time I thought it was the devil.  So I tried praying every day and singing worship songs. It didn't take away the voices.

I had virtually no friends. Not even at church. I went to a youth group where every one disliked me. They would stand there in a circle and talk and I'd try to join in and they would give me dirty looks then as I was leaving they'd snicker and laugh behind my back. I quit going to youth group. I was a loner I guess.  Through no fault of my own. 

I started finding new friends online. I gave one my address. He was ok, he just sent me a gift. Mom and dad did not appreciate it.

Then I met another man online I was 16 and he was 21. When I was 20 I decided I loved him. I told him that too. He sent me a pic, via email. It scared me a little. But I still loved him. So he came out, after I told my parents and they talked to my pastor and his pastor.

We dated for a yr. Then he proposed to me. I was ecstatic. He loved me too!!!

After awhile he slowly pulled me away from my parents. And family. 

He never hit me but he'd say things like at least I don't hit you like my dad hit my mom. He was scary.

He ended up breaking up with me say ing I didn't have a good enough relationship with my parents. I wasn't too upset, because I knew he was going to break up with me. I can't explain it but I was completely at peace, except I made myself cry for his sake. He wanted a "break" wanted to still be " friends". 

 We stayed friends for about a week.  Then I just said hell with it and left him completely. We had been engaged for 364 days and 9 1/2 hrs. 

I then went back to my parents house and told them about a month later. 

I didn't speak to them for 2 yrs. I blamed them. I hated them for breaking us up. They really disliked him and our relationship. I didn't know it was because he was putting me down. I didn't notice I was used to it. 

I feel bad for saying this but that was the best 2 yrs of my life. I was independent I had a job I had friends I could just go and hang out with. Granted I lived in a assisted living facility.

My mother found me through dshs tellign them that they think I m ight be dead. Of course I wasn't dead. I was pissed off that DSHS told her it was the year that hippa came out. But now I'm glad that she found me I 'm b ack in contact with my parents my brother my Aunts and Uncles. And some cousins.

Do I miss my ex? Hell no!!!

My mother thought it was just normal teen brattiness. Her words not mine.

I'm still hearing voices but not as bad as I was.  I'm taking latuda, which really helps. I need a change from Latuda though cuz of the side effects. it says to eat 350 calories and I do. But it still makes me sick!!  Not all the time but about half the time.

I'm doing this thing that I'm putting electronics down for 30 min to a hour be for I go to bed. It works very well. I sleep better then I have ever before ( befor electronics) My depression is under control, my Anxiety is so much better. And I'm not hearing as many voices.