I must preface this with the fact of having three kids to work around for 'alone time' has always made it a challenge. Now that the youngest is 14 - we thought it would get easier to schedule since teens sleep late on weekends :)

Well, first it was prednisone side effects putting me into Premenopause very early. The hot flashes, chaotic cycles and total hormone chaos - made my (ahem) enthusiasm very sporatic.

Then you have to work around body flares. Sure, I can ignore a hand or a foot flaring - but when it's both shoulders, knees or elbows... well let's just say I'd rather take a rain check.

Hubby's been great. Though he's ten years older and deals with health issues caused by obesity and smoking. So he's had plenty of his own times of little motivation as well.

I know it has affected our frequency. Between being so dang tired all the time and then the various pains it so difficult. Even when we get to it we have to be creative with positioning in relation to where my pain is the worst. I have had a lot of trouble with my hips so I'm sure you can imagine the difficulty there!

I have to say my husband is amazing about it all. He doesn't seem to be overly bothered by it all. Not that he doesn't miss how things used to be but just he is more worried about my level of pain or fatigue to push. I am lucky to have him.

i think there was an old thread on this well a couple months old well maybe 4...where we supported each other in our being present as we can be with our chronic condition as pertains to amore. i think it was started by a gentleman who was brave and we cross supported and shared.

you might want to also, find and read this later.

i try to support myself in healing. keeping in mind that sex may not have to be a full contact body sport session and that simply the enorphins that are caused by any portion of the activity...any portion of the journey....any look, glance, written word, spoken poem, glance, touch, gift, laugh, smile, touch, and on, make me forget for 17 minutes or 17 seconds or what have you that I am in a flare or pain. besides intimacy is the bridge that we use to cross our souls to each other. universal language of vulnerability and gift to each other = forgetting for a few minutes.

of course a piece of no dairy chocolate is quicker and a jazz session under a heated blanket is pretty nice also.

but you were asking a serious question.

i find that giving massages helps my ra infected hands. almost like a backwards kind of thing. i find that making someone happy makes me forget my pain. i find that talking about sheer exhaustion is usually received nicely but that now and then we have to cross that wall of no no no no and let the endorphins do their thing.

I can play the pain card all the time, I try intentionally not to as , i think intimacy heals. (throw on the marvin gaye since the hippy chick answered). my brain as it processes pain is a bigger impediment than my body.

Ros

yes, it does effect our sex life. my husband and i had a very active sex life for a few years, then we had two serious car accidents within 6 months. that took a toll. and then i had a uterine issue that caused problems for a couple of years, but i had endometrial ablation and sorted that out. now this. ugh.

my husband is very understanding. for me (i'd like to say 'us', but i can't speak for my husband. i understand the biological differences between us and understand that sex/orgasm is much different for him than it is for me) sex is more about being intimate with someone i love. he's very accommodating and patient with me. i have also had a lot of pain in my hips, which makes things hard.

after 16 years together, i like to think sex is more a physical display of affection and intimacy than, you know. getting off. but it's still an important part of a healthy relationship. i actually just asked my husband this, and his first response was 'what sex life?' and a laugh. he was joking...mostly. so perhaps this will start a discussion!

...My first thought...what sex life...Lol

We sleep in separate beds.... but we're both happy as larks.

Well, it has affected how interested I am. I always had the larger libido, so it was more likely that I was turned down rather than I did the turning down.

At least I don't have to feel guilty that way.

We just try to go with whatever position is most comfortable. I do fine that the endorphins that come after have a bit f their own analgesic properties. If nothing else, at least I have that glow.
lol

I mentioned this in a post sometime ago but yes, it definitely has had an effect on ours, mainly the frequency. AT 66 years old, I'm happy to say our time together was never a problem. I prefer to call it that rather than sex, my wife and I always say we never have sex.... ;) Our love is just as strong as ever but from a man's point of view, I feel I'm letting her down and not fulfilling her needs. I know there are plenty of ways to show love and I do as much as I can but there is always that special time that you really want to be close.

fiery, we had the same issue. i always had a much larger libido than my husband, but that seemed to switch around 28. my husband now wants to have sex more often than we do, and he said he feels bad initiating because he knows i'm in pain.

like grandpa said, it's more about being close for me. some men have trouble expressing emotions (ahem, my husband) and being intimate with men like that is sometimes the most emotional closeness you get. if that makes sense. it does in my head ;) to me, that's what it's all about - it's about that kind of closeness and intimacy with my husband. i'd probably be just as happy with a cuddle and a talk, but i understand he's not like that. sex is just as much of a way for him to enjoy that intimacy with me.

I'm single & it's a touchy ( no pun intended ) subject! It's the idea of WHEN do you casually say..oh by the way...and then IF it happens how to try to be having a good day...it's tough...especially when the general public most of the time doesn't get it anyway.
The name RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS doesn't help, I don't think. If you go to R A WARRIOR there is a push to rename RHEUMATOID DISEASE...I personally think that's a better fit.
Trying to find someone for a long term relationship & who is willing to deal with a life long medical problem...well, let's just say they are out there, I'm sure ...but...
it's all in the mix of sex, drugs & rock n' roll...8))

no effect thus far!

I have a disease in the muscular dystrophy family that causes me to completely paralyze, the stress of sex, emotional and physical, will trigger an attack and then it's like having sex with a dead person, because I can not move. So sex became an issue with us long before I got diagnosed with RA.

I feel very guilty about the lack of sex and he never complains, but he has lost all desire to have any physical contact at all because his inclination is for it to always lead to sex. It is an extremely vulnerable feeling to be unable to even move while someone is doing their thing.

So we have not had a physical relationship, in any way, for quite awhile. He is a normal healthy male and I am sure there is a lot of resentment about this. However, I did not ask for this traitorous body, or these ailments. On some level he gets that. He is incredibly passive, so he barely ever says anything...but it's there all the time. I'm happy to see there are couples that cope with it in a more positive way...He does not like massages and therefore does not give them. sigh..

Thank you all for sharing! I didn't realize this had been discussed in a previous post.

I'm noticing more problems in my hips (as a few of you mentioned) which is starting to interrupt our "normal" intimacy options/routines. I usually end up paying for it the next day. We are newlyweds and I feel like we're an old married couple in our 90's! (no offense to anyone who is in their 90's!) We just aren't as intimate as we "should be".

We are intimate in other ways and sex is not the basis for our relationship, nor is it required to keep us engaged with each other. My husband is truly incredible in this area and doesn't push me to be intimate when I am in pain.

I went through major surgery earlier this year due to cancer and we were unable to have sex for several months! (we've probably had more months without than with this year!) It was during that time that I realized how strong our love is and that he wasn't with me because of our "physical relationship", nor I him.

I know we will get through this as well, but sometimes it's just nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing and get some advice or comfort.

Thank you all, again, for sharing!

Most definitely affects ours. I honestly feel bad alot about it because everything was just kind of sudden and happened in a row this past year for me. First a miscarriage last Oct, then I got sick and it was bronchitis and was having severe chest and lung pain, then to find out I had asthma, Rheumatoid arthritis, and Sjogrens. Now, my chest and lung pain are controlled, but now it's other things that are hurting bad, like my hands and I have left knee problems as well.

Hubby has been great, but sometimes I get to thinking that in his head "it's always something; one reason or another I can't". I haven't been able to do ANYTHING this last year over the summer. Including fishing, hiking...all the things we always do together and now this added on top of all that just sucks!!

Can't so no all the time though, even if you don't feel like doing anything; in the end it's always better.

Well, there aren't as many acrobatic positions as early on in our relationship, but we both have some health issues (he has asthma and some back problems; me psoriatic arthritis and all it entails)
We are intimate as we can be and improvise with other intimate contact.

Regarding the question of being single, I think it's something you discuss when you feel the "time is right". Just like safe sex, you don't wait until the heat of the moment to have the discussion ;).

Unless it's a one-night stand (in which case, you're probably feelin' pretty good in the first place), you probably have a good idea the direction things are moving. You don't have to couch the discussion as "here's something you need to know, just in case we become intimate". As a relationship develops, you starting sharing things anyway -- health issues such as RA shouldn't be any different.

If your partner runs away after that discussion, then he or she wasn't worthy in the first place!