Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...
I've had a succession of used pickup trucks on the farm over the years. I've loved some of them, and a few have been clunkers. I name them, and I bond with them in a fiercely weird way, unable sometimes to admit when they're failing.
I recently gave up a beloved twenty two year old pickup called T-Rex (for its age, obnoxious sounds, and stinky emissions) and acquired an equally old Ford Econoline van. The clutch is a little goofy so I'm taking it easy with it, but I think I'll get used to it eventually. I kind of miss the truck. It was a hot mess, but it was mine, and I understood it, and I was comfortable with it. The van will be harder to park, but it has a lot more cargo space, and the radio works (something I'd lost in the truck in about 2009.)
I have a point, by the way. Stick with me for a minute.
Today, I came out of the hardware store and the packing lot was crowded and I had ten things on my mind and I stood there for a full five minutes looking for the pickup truck I no longer have before I remembered that I have a van now. I don't quite have my head around this change yet, so yeah, I stood there like an idiot looking for a truck that wasn't there.
It occurs to me that this is what it's immediately like post-diagnosis (I'm about four months into this journey.) Sometimes I forget that life is different now (like when I forgot to ask for a non-childproof cap for a prescription). Sometimes I forget for a moment what the new life looks like and i don't recognize that it's mine. I miss the old one, and I'm not quite sure how to handle the clutch on this one yet, so I'm taking it easy for a bit, trying to learn. I want the old one back but that's not possible. I wish the new one had come with a manual. Some things clearly aren't going to be as good, but some might end up being better once I get used to them. (Restructuring my farm responsibilities will mean more time with the grandkids, for instance. And my soon-to-be daughter in law has a chronic 'invisible' illness of her own, and while I've loved her from the moment my son introduced me to her. my RA diagnosis has forged an incredible bond between us, because she's the one in the family who really gets it, and I now have a better understanding of her.)
Maybe more to the point, the truck is gone for good and there's no point standing in the parking lot looking for it. I can be sad about losing it, I can miss it, but if I want to get on my way I have to get in the van and start getting used to the clutch.
And so now I need a name for the van. Something brave and warrior like, kind of clunky and awkward and rusty too, but a lot of good miles left on it. (Oh, dear God, that describes me too.)
Good luck in your journey!
Xoxo
Loved your story. And I'm happy for your bond with your DIL-to be.
If you think about it, we have all these rituals for how to act when we lose a loved one. The pain is still there, but the formality of a service and the rituals of condolence notes and receiving lines all play a part in the healing process, At a time when we're emotionally numb, they give us something to do without too much thinking.
We don't have those rituals for a diagnosis of an invisible disease. For good reasons, sometimes we don't tell many people. We worry about losing a job or letting our kids down or whatever. We think we have to be superheroes and power through it.
No one would expect us to react that way for another kind of loss. The world sort of knows how to let someone mourn a death. We know to send prayers and casseroles and offers of carpool help when it's a diagnosis of cancer.
But we sure don't know how to react to RA.
I think it's important to allow yourself a mourning period, or time to be angry if that's what you need. Be kind to yourself. Bubble bath, lotion, chocolate, whatever works for you. A good massage therapist knows what RA is and knows how to work with your body. Give yourself the gift of a little time before you tell yourself that you have to look forward. It's okay to do that.
You can do this. At 33, you've adjusted to changes and losses before. You know how to do this. Be patient with yourself, and the adjustment will follow.
depot
Linzey......re-register as a new person......maybe Linzey2........with a different email. Then you'll see California Lynn's posts again.