Yes, and it might sound simplistic, but I wish I would have caught on to this earlier: be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that the depression and fatigue is a real thing, and not necessarily something you can 'power through'. And be aware that you might be projecting your wife's experience onto yourself somewhat - it could be a factor in the depression. You may need to compartmentalize a little bit, Good luck to you - keep posting to let us know how it's going for both of you.

Sometimes having a little more knowledge and understanding with a loved one or friend having been diagnosed with the disease first can be helpful since you know a bit more and maybe have learned from those experiences. But now you have a whole different perspective and it is very real.

But (like Katie said) you need to be sure your personal disease gets it's own attention. You may have some similar and some different symptoms. You may have specific questions or concerns that you want to be sure are addressed.

May I suggest also that you each have your own appointment with the rheumatologist, rather than together. That may take extra time, but you each need to have your needs met. It can get challenging to keep things separate with more than one patient at a time (you can be there for her appointment - and vice versa - but as a spouse and advocate, not for your own RA issues).

One positive spin is that you can understand each other when one of you may be having pain or other symptoms or when things can't get done around the house, etc. You will be able to support each other even more.

On the upside - you have your own little support group right there at home! So many people come here and share that their spouse doesn't "get it."

Thanks everyone. I feel a little less alone.

hey what can I say - you have the same auto immune - out of my intentional clan of friends, the all time favorite, is the one that has the RA - she is the funniest - because we answer each other's bitching with a call and response. plus I can tell by her gait and she can tell by a quick visual on my joints what's up. don't know about spouses - but I find that as friends we are wicked creative making accommodations and plotting to take over the RA universe. like a lucy and ethel. we keep each other, mentally agile, with the RA. I am happy you have a partner in crime - don't mix up the pre filled syringes in the fridge (laughing) - or better yet one of you get the auto injectors and the other the syringes, someday.

you are both in your 50's? are you still both working full time and trying to get the kids out of the house? it's a big shocker to slow down - go slow and get used to your new reality and your new accommodations and adaptations. did you have depression before the RA? I am always curious if this disease creates the blues or intensifies it. welcome we are glad you are here

depot

In my short experience, I have found that the depression was worse in the beginning; as you kind of mourn the loss of your abilities, and your new normal. Please seek treatment for it if it is a real issue for you. There is no shame in needing help. Rest assured though, things will get better! The people on this site are amazing, knowledgeable and supportive.

I agree with Hellen! The beginning, once the pain and disability really hits, is the worst time for depression. I had to quit work, we moved to a new province, so I lost even my healthy friends, my job and church all at the same time. I was reduced to a fat old lady (thanks prednisone) hobbling about on a cane, and so many churches I went to, no one even spoke to me. I felt abandoned by God and people!

I got so depressed I just lay down and turn my face to the wall, (like Hezekiah in the bible!) and just wanted to die. But, God did speak to me! He got me back reading the Bible, which was essential for me. (You might need to find something else that works for you!) Then, I finally got on better meds, and I was 100%. But even then, it took a long time to really overcome the depression, which seemed to have become permanent.

The good news is, the depression wasn't permanent. I recovered some old things in my life (like playing flute) and became a bicycling obsessive. It was great for my mental and physical health, to say nothing of losing that weight I also obsess about.

So that is the good thing! You can and will find some things that can help you, especially when you get on some decent meds that control the disease.

Of course, I have been through a lot of med failures, and ups and downs with this disease since then. But I never have gotten as depressed as I was in the early years. I know a good church, social media and family support has helped me tremendously. I have a routine that helps me keep some order in my life. I even went back to school (seminary) and got my Master of Divinity. That also gave me a new sense of myself, and my relationship with God and the world.

Anyway, I hope you will post more often, and let us support you on this journey. We are all a bit different in how we respond to meds, the kinds and intensity of flares or how we suffer emotionally and mentally. It would be interesting to have a spouse to compare notes with. You really can be of help to one another, committing to doing some positive things for yourselves and for each other.

As for the pain, don't be afraid to ask for better or stronger med if the one(s) you are on are not helping enough. And find out about DMARDs, biologics and pain killers and their differences. That will help you know what to expect as far as treatment. Another invaluable thing, is to see a PT who specializes in RA, as well as an occupational therapist for splints and devices that can help you if you are flared. And do NOT push a joint through a flare. That is a sure fire way to get bad deformities. Just ask the bunions on my thumbs, after they picked rocks for 3 days, when they were badly flared. The doctors always tell us this, but sometimes we think we can get away with doing that!

Wes, use different colored stickers or tape for your and your wife's meds, in case you ha e differences or get them. Holy shit. That's got to be tough with both of you being stricken. As depotblue might ask, how's your function? I hope you're able to help each other out. Best wishes.

for pete's sake's joline - you know my vernacular now? we need to get a life (laughing)

this is my feminist take on the issue get rheumatologists in DIFFERENT cities. (laughing again)

really, now, why the heck would I want or desire to be treated in the same office as my wife? i say get different offices - it will give you something to talk about on the weekends when you re-group from the week. :)

depotblue

Well I seen the Dr. Methotrexate and prednazone. Only been a couple of days but I hope this stuff works soon. My hands are better so I can work and play the guitar but the walking isn't so good. I am happy to be part of this group. Thanks for all the comments.

Hey, Wes. Glad to hear you're playing your guitar again. Did the hand pain come first for you, or the feet pain? My rheumatologist said that her observation is first-in last-out with symptoms: the one you had first is usually the last one to improve. She did stress that this is only an observation after years of practice, not something that she has genuinely researched in a defendable way.

So maybe the improvement in walking is the next good news you'll have to share with us. Hope so!

I was just going to post something about depression and fatigue, then I read your post. I've had R/A for 10 yrs, I'm on Enbrel now. I've suffered from depression far longer than R/A, so in some ways I understand my symptoms of depression far, far better than the crushing feeling of fatigue. I hate it. I hate how it makes me feel and look so lazy. But it's real. I think the fatigue depresses me far worse than the pain of R/A. It seems when I push myself to do too much one day, I pay for it the next. Then I feel guilty because I can't get off the couch. It's even embarrassing writing about it. Logically I know I shouldn't feel this way, emotionally that doesn't seem to stop me. Maybe I'm having a hard time dealing with my limitations. I know I haven't given you any good advice. I'm sorry for that. I'm new to this site. It's hard for me to read and write here. R/A changes our lives. I think/know being in touch with others like ourselves will help us by knowing we are not alone.

Glad your hands are feeling better. My RA is mainly in my hands and I know that makes a lot of daily activities (not to mention hobbies and other activities) difficult.
As for Katie's comment -- I have had that experience with first-in last-out. My first symptoms were painful swelling of my PIP joints on both middle fingers (LOL). Though many other hand joints have joined the party, when I do have flares (thankfully they are not too bad) it is almost always those original two joints. If I am not feeling well, and the hubby asks what is wrong, he gets a double dose of "the bird". That alone sometimes makes me feel a little better.

Some of the depression has passed. The fatigue comes and goes but most of the time it is still here. I sometimes fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. My wife thinks it is funny. I don't. Pain in my hands isn't so bad but now my wrists hurt worse. Ankles are uncomfortable.

I felt so good today that I worked a long shift. I will probably pay for that tomorrow.

This whole thing is such a change in life.

Small steps! But it's great you are having some progress. You will learn to take advantage of the good days but not over-do it.
If your wife is laughing, laugh with her and let that be a little dose of humor medicine. She may be happy that she is not alone in all this too.