Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group

Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...

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big changes

nomorera
nomorera
My boyfriend and I moved in together last fall (Oct 2013) and we have been together 1 1/2 years. I am 50, he is 47.
My RA is well controlled with Humira and MTX. No pain, no inflammation.
We are planning a big move out of state to start a business next fall. I am very concerned about my health and health insurance (I'm in the US). I will go from employer provided insurance to private insurance. I don't know how much I will have to pay out of pocket for meds. I am worried that the stress of starting a business will be difficult for me with this condition.

My boyfriend is a retired veteran and has benefits and a pension. I am leaving with little more than some money in savings and his word that we will work it out, and a business partnership agreement.

I have been married before, so has he. I feel this overwhelming need to get him to commit (informal engagement maybe) before we leave. It's not that I want to marry him for his health benefits but I feel that if we don't have some sort of future plan together either one of us could walk out of this relationship and I would be alone and starting over yet again and I worry about the impact that all of this could have on my health.

The stress of carrying this around inside of me is causing some exhaustion, of course it is also causing me to be crabby and short tempered.

I have been journaling a lot about my fears and desires and have shared with him a little bit of all of this. I don't want to pressure him into marriage but I feel like I need to know what his intentions are then I can make a more informed decision for myself and my health.

any suggestions or am I just plain crazy?
stephgas
stephgas
i don't think you're crazy. that's a big move to make without any kind of formal commitment. yes, you'll have a business partnership agreement, but that only goes so far. have you two spoken about marriage at all? about whether or not it's a possibility? my mother and my 'step father' were never married but in a committed relationship until his death - 14.5 years after they started dating. the discussed early on that neither of them was interested in getting married again because of the legal crap you go through.

and why don't you want to marry him for his health benefits? ;) if you two are in love and planning on spending the foreseeable future together, i don't see the problem with enjoying all the medical and financial benefits of being married.

would you be able to share your journaling with him so he understands how heavily this is weighing on you? explain to him that you are nervous about having to start over in a whole new place with him and then be left alone. (tbh, i think that most of us have that kind of fear. it's about having faith in the situation imho.) he has given you his word that it will work out - is he one of those people who believe everything will work out? he may not understand your fear and how the stress affects your health.
lionprincess00
lionprincess00
Well I was in a committed relationship in my early 20s with a man I intended on marrying. I ripped that bandaid and discussed the "where is this going" convo. Unfortunately for me he had zero interest in ever marrying...me, anyone, ever. I wanted that commitment and choose to move on. I am grateful I had the nerve to bring it up, and the guts to leave not compromising on something I needed out of the relationship. I a few yrs later met and married my husband, and am so grateful to have him. My advice, rip that bandaid and have the sh!t or get off the pot conversation, as my mom would put it lol. Tell him you don't need marriage today, but you are needing xyz from him before you commit to an uprooting and new start. Communication is so important, not fearing the consequences however good or bad. Communicate fully your needs. If he is receptive, it builds trust on both ends...the fact you opened he will trust you not to hide your true feelings, and his response can build your trust in him to listen to you and be there for you.

If it turns out like my experience did, then you can go from there and make a well informed decision on the move. Gl.
annettearizona
annettearizona
I have heard of many cases of one mate basically giving up everything to move off with her long time friend to start anew and things not working out and then where is she :( Sometimes these things work out,but you're right to question such a big decision.
How about a trial period...let him go on ahead and get things started for the business and see how it works out? And keep in touch via phone/internet etc-there are a lot of long distance relationships out there :)
Or, perhaps just write up a paper between you two that if things don't work out he will pay for you to be able to return back home? (kind of touchy I know-just a thought)
bluedogs2
bluedogs2
@nomorera

Sit down with him in a neutral place - and TALK. Share your feelings openly and clearly and learn from him where he is relative to your fear - if he can stop your fear, he will. If he doesn't, maybe the overall plan should be discussed instead of your current fear.

Peace of mind, peace of heart
Bluedogs2
nomorera
nomorera
thank you all. There is some really great input here. I knew I could turn to you all for assistance. Dealing with a chronic health situation I worry about how the start of a business will affect my condition and the stress of it all will affect my health and our relationship. As for sending him ahead, I am the primary operator of the business. He is providing the financial backing. So no I cannot wait behind.

I plan to talk to him, it's a touchy subject. He was in a long term marriage that ended badly and until he tends to be slow to come around. It took him a year to tell me he loves me.
beechfeet
beechfeet
you are being very logical and your little voice is trying to tell you
something. Be smart and know you have to count on yourself first.
Lori57703
Lori57703
I was in a simlar situation before my husband and I married. He was thinking about moving to another state and wanted me to go with him. This after 9 months of dating. I would have had to give up nursing school. Then he suggested he would go and I could join him after I graduated. That would have meant spending more time apart than we had been together and then me moving to a different state where I knew not a soul. I balked, he broke up with me thinking it wouldn't work. Two weeks later we were back together, he was staying, and two months after that we were engaged. That was 19 years ago and we are still happily married and living in the same town.

My point is, it is important to talk about these things ahead of time. Make a decision that is right for you after you discuss your concerns about the situation. It may be hard and it might even hurt at the time if it doesn't go the way you hope it does. However, I honestly believe that things work out the way they should. Especially when you are honest and true to yourself and the ones you love.~ Lori
altoclef
altoclef
One other thing to think about: relocating throws you into a situation where all you have is each other. The friends and family you relied on before aren't there. That can strain a relationship that may or may not be able to withstand the stress.

With the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) in place, you will be able to get insurance, and there are all the co-pay programs for meds. You should be able to work that out, but if your boss has been paying most or all of your current insurance you may be surprised at what it could cost.

there's a woman here in town who drives around with an old suitcase strapped to the top of her car, labelled "Emotional Baggage." We all carry it. we just need to be upfront about it, and willing to put it on the roof of the car rather than hugging it to our chests sometimes.
nomorera
nomorera
once my boyfriends son goes back to school on Sunday from winter break we will have more time alone to address these concerns. I am dealing with exhaustion right now which doesn't help my mindset. I am working with the Dr. to try to find the cause which I think might in part be due to an untreated sinus infection that hasn't quite cleared up. Top that off with the strain of unresolved issues and whammo I am not surprised I am feeling the way I am.

Again thank you all for the input. I will be using some of the advice given here to walk through this. I will give you all an update as I walk through this. As always your help on this site is a lifesaver (or a sanity saver in this case).

Hope you all have a lovely day!
mponto
mponto
Is it possible that he can put you on his medical insurance as his significant other ? Many policies allow this now. Good luck with everything and don't sell yourself short ! Get that commitment from him before making such a big life move if that will give you peace of mind.
All the best
mponto
mponto
I think the insurance term for it is Domestic Partner
trishcorsi
trishcorsi
Follow your gut! We are blessed with feelings that we need to pay attention too, intuition is your truth. That idea of domestic partnership sounds like a really smart idea, you are covered and not rushing him into something-marriage-he may not be ready for. Communication is vital in any partnership. Best wishes for an exciting future. Trish
bcatz
bcatz
I'm so glad you are feeling well!

A couple things come to mind:

1 - you should qualify on his insurance as mponto said - maybe. Most companies allow you to declare a significant other for coverage. Check this option out first! Your boyfriend should be very open to this since it doesn't lock either of you into a marriage. *and if you can be on his insurance, get filled up on humira first. Be sure they will cover your RA

2 - GO see your Rheumy! You need to stockpile some humira. I assume you get it in one month doses. See if you can get a prescription for 3 months at a time so you have some in reserve. Don't take a chance on this.

3 - If your boyfriend's insurance will not cover you, get on the horn here (this site) and with anyone you know to find out what self coverage open market insurance will cover humira and be sure there isn't a time limit to wait for it to kick in.

4 - remember, just because you are moving to another state and starting a business, doesn't mean you can't get a job that has decent insurance benefits with humira covered on it. There are plenty of people who work at Walmart/grocery stores, etc just enough to qualify for insurance. This would bring in some income, allow you to have insurance, allow you to be there for your new business, etc.

It sounds very exciting and scary at the same time! I'm really thrilled you are feeling so well! Be careful to stay away from germs since humira lowers your immune system and can put you at risk for catching buggies.
nomorera
nomorera
UPDATE - I finally sat my boyfriend down for a little talk the other night. We haven't really come to an agreement on this situation but he says he has been thinking about a commitment between us he just doesn't know if he will be ready to "take the next step" before we leave in 7 months. He then said that all the engagement is, is a status change, where as I told him that it is so much more than that. It is a promise and a symbol. We talked a little more but it was dificult for us both.
I know he loves me and I know we are so good together. I also know he is a man that needs a nudge then let him sit with something and come into it on his own. Once he makes a decision it is because he has really considered the whole situation and is firm in his decision.
Our relationship is solid and he is a good, kind loving man. I know that I will be okay with or without him, I would just rather be with him than not. I don't know yet what's going to come of all this, but the topic is on the table and I explaned to him how vulnerable and exposed I feel. He has been very loving and kind and affectionate in reassuring me of his love.
I will post an update as the spring and summer proceed. We are continuing on with our relationship and have plans for a trip this summer. All the while I am taking care of myself emotionally, physically, mentally spiritually and very importantly FINANCIALLY.

thanks to you all!
nomorera
nomorera
also I do NOT qualify for coverage because the military still does not recognize domestic partners or unmarried partners. You must be legally married to qualify for coverage.