one of my biggest goals in therapy is learning to pick my friends more wisely and to build healthy relationships. i was raped by a friend and tend to have friends that are takers. i am learning that it's ok to expect people to be friendly, supportive, giving and loving. when i found this group, i was astonished by the support. for me, the retreat is about meeting all of you that i have come to know online and furthering those healthy relationships. i would like to learn how to trust more appropriately - i know a lot of us have trust issues. many don't trust anyone. some don't trust men. i seem to give trust out like samples at costco. that's not the best plan!!! i don't know if this parlays into a theme - or if i spelled that correctly - but that's my goal!

i get really claustrophobic is small places and in hot places. but i'm doing that sweat lodge with all of you that i have come to know! i am expecting you to be supportive and patient with me...cause you are my friends (my fish would be so proud)! and then i would like to burn "the jeans".

and matt...if it's ok, i would like to give you a hug for all your hard work! :)

I've had too much wine and not enough sleep for this question. But it's a positive subject to think of that will distract me so..

Mostly I've just been thinking about arriving in one piece. Today I had a daydream thing where I was talking a suicide bomber out of blowing up heathrow airport. I never got to the ending of that! My sister is seeing me off - something she decided today. So as a prewarning to anyone meeting me on weds..im probably going to be a mess or with child (im sure my nephew will fit in hand luggage :) )

Retreat goals. I guess I'm just looking for some peace. More and more I feel like I want to run away, start over. I'm looking forward to having a space where I can just 'be'.

I feel like I should have a ton of goals. I guess one would be friendship. When I imagine the retreat I imagine lots of solo time interspersed with activity but I spend my time alone. Maybe another goal would be to integrate myself. What's the point in flying so far if I go and tree hug for three days and don't experience anything, you know?

I'm betting this isn't quite what you meant..I'm sure I'll have better answers soon.

The hug issue: I'm totally cool with hugs. Out of respect for boundaries, I will not initiate a hug, lest I inadvertently make anyone feel awkward. But a person who would like to initiate a hug can be assured that I'm very comfortable with it. I'll talk to Bill Miller about the same thing, too, and get him on board with the "hug when you're hugged" concept. Bill's a big goofy, gentle guy, and he's so happy and accepting that he forgets not everyone has the same comforts as him. The goof.

On the sweatlodge: not everyone chooses to do all the rounds. Fact, is, not everyone CAN do them all. That's okay! Suppose you give it a try and decide, "Whoops! Nope! Not for me!" and clear out, that's no problem.

You know if you follow that policy I'm never going to get to hug you or bill...

This may sound really weird, but I don't want to have goals. I just want the retreat to happen and I want to be open to anything.

There are things from last year that I've clung to, that have given me hope and strength when I needed it. I'm looking forward to more of that.

I want to hug Bill Miller and tell him I took his advice, and I'm so thankful I did.

I want to hug everybody else too. A whole bunch.

I want to make the sitting-outside-the-sweatlodge more meaningful and spiritually significant for me. I wish I could do the sweat, I really do, but it combines too many of my fears and triggers...which makes me deeply sad because sacred things shouldn't be that way. I feel even less ready this year than last year. Maybe some day...

I want to connect more deeply with all of you.

I want to laugh myself silly over whatever it is we end up laughing about this year and I want to savor every single moment there.

And maybe I want to be a fake smoker again. I'm not sure.

Hhhmmmm...guess I have some goals after all!

i am really looking foward to the sweat lodge as a symbol of my letting go. I have such a span and hx of abuse that i am wanting it to be "burned away" and to come out cleansed and new.

Oh...I forgot...I have at least one thing I'm going to burn...

I want to hug you all, well all the are okay with hugs. I want to have fun, get away from crazy school/work stuff. I want to focus on me, and my feelings, I want to reflect on the changes I have made from last year to this year. I want to help the new people feel comfortable, I want to try and make it through all of the sweat lodge! I want to bring a journal this time, there were so many things I wish I would have written down, but the stupid cast kind of prevented that. I am not sure what else yet, I kind of just want to see when I get there what this year will bring for me because I never could have predicted the things that I got out of it last year!

Well, as for goals, I do have a couple...

I'm trying really hard to be okay with the fact that I have strong emotions besides anxiety. I've come to learn that high anxiety is typical of PTSD and that those feelings breed the racing thoughts, etc. I accept that as part of my current reality and I'm treating it. I can also happily report a HUGE decrease in those feeling in the past year. Like I said, I'M SLEEPING AT NIGHT :D

But the other emotions that I have I am so used to pushing down like anger and grief... I don't want to push down anymore. For some reason that is not enough, just to want to, it almost seems like a learned skill I'm acquiring as my walls are coming down. Weird to feel like I have to learn it's okay to be angry and sad. For instance, at the sweat lodge last year, I had a trigger I needed to get past. Between the campfires and the sweat, I was actually able to hang by the last night. I'm nervous about it again this year, but I now know that if I just DO it, it will be okay. Anyway, that trigger caused emotions in between the rounds of the sweat and it was hard. But those emotions are just surface ones; anxiety. While IN the sweatlodge, I felt the cleansing intent. I WANTED to cry. Not because I was scared. I had a dear friend holding my hand; literally. I wanted it OUT. It was pitch black in there, and I could have completely let go- let all of it out in the way my soul was aching for and I still had to hold some back. I don't want to do that this year. I don't want to rob myself of the opportunity to give whatever pain that is down deep away. There is no better forum for that, and it was amazing. So my goal is to let go. Trust that I will not be judged, and looked down upon as a "weaker" one, and do it cause it's right for me.

Second goal is to connect with so many of you on a deeper level. I had very few instances where I really talked "deep stuff" and picked your brain about what you were feeling, what was going on, how I could help, or how anyone could help me! I first typed that I had few opportunities, but that's not right. There are TONS of opportunities for me to pull someone aside and say, "Hey, lets talk." But I'm not one to do that. I have a hard time initiating. So while I may not start up a deep, meaningful conversation, please feel free to pull me aside and start one. Once someone shows the initiative, you won't be able to get me to shut up :)

It's like tonight at work... I have people I work with who are very very nice people I've gotten along with for 7 months or so. One of my coworkers is female and facebooks me and says, "Love ya girl" on text messages and wants to go out for happy hour. I love it! But, I'd never initiate that interaction. That's taking work relationships to the next level and I don't do that. Another coworker is male. Today, he put his head on my shoulder and I thought, "Wow, does he really feel like he knows me that well?" I was just surprised! Again, I didn't mind it at all, and I enjoyed the feeling of belonging and friendship. But I never would have thought to do that to him, or anything comparable. It really helped put into focus this "wall" that I have built up. You can get to know me, and hang out with me, and we can laugh, but am I really letting you in? There's still a degree of separation there I need to work on. It's protection so I won't get hurt by anyone. So I'm looking forward to some more meaningful conversation this year, but I'll need help engaging with the deep stuff.

My long goals, lol. But good ones. Break down walls and be more vulnerable in emotions. This is the place to do it.

Last year, I came petrified. I left with a sense of belonging.

I so need to cry and can't. I really want to cry and tap into the emotions that I am so skilled at stuffing. Even if I can get a little to come out. I think that I want to look into one of your eyes and see that understanding and cry and cry. I cannot believe that I am writing this.

Scuba said so many of the things that I struggle with. My anxiety is through the roof lately. My fish has always that it is symptom of the other emotions that need to get out. The feelings scare me so bad. If I can just let go of a little of that fear, that would be great.

I would like to connect on a deeper level. I know that sharing is something that I need to do. If I do share it is from the 100,000 foot view and in third person. I know that I could share with some of you and not see the horror in your eyes, but the understanding. That is what I need.

I have no particular agenda, but I need to chill and relax.

Oh yeah, I am going to talk to you Matt. It is a goal of mine. :)

Good question but I think I'm going to hang with it like Steht. Let come what may. I don't do well forcing myself to do something (and making plans for myself feels sort of like that)) and I realize things work best for me in the moment. The best times and most moving times at both retreats were those that just happened, that were not scripted in my head in any way. If we are doing the sweat on Friday, I'll plan for that better. I didn't feel so hot last year afterwards.

I'm glad my journey is non-refundable. I had total anxiety attack about the fact i cannot be in the dark or dim lighting. Which i made worse by getting angry at myself.i would have cancelled last night.

One of my goals is to reach out, initiate something with someone. Maybe that's why i've been imagining lots of alone time.. This was another meltdown point last night.

I'm glad this isn't a retreat where i'm forced to talk about feelings or anything but i do wonder if i'm going to need a nudge at first.

There is no way to describe it but, not that long after I arrived, the retreat felt like the safest place in the world.

Ever since a scary incident when I was in high school (which was almost a million years ago) I've had a fear of small enclosed spaces, especially walk-in fridges....since I was locked in a walk-in freezer as a "prank". The beginning of the rape only made this fear of being locked in worse.

So here I was at the retreat, all thirsty, and I went into the kitchen and someone offhandedly mentioned that the drinks were in the walk-in fridge. I tried to grab one...but there was no way. In real life, if I mentioned this fear, people would belittle it, want to know why I was being so silly, try to "encourage" me by telling me to snap out of it, etc. So my usual m.o., I kid you not, would have been to dehydrate rather than let on that I couldn't bring myself to get a drink. At the retreat, I did a new thing: I asked someone to please get me a drink and admitted I was too scared to get it myself.

The women in the kitchen acted like this was the most normal thing in the world.

I can't describe what a big deal that was to me. I had come home. I could relax and be me. I was safe. People understood.

The belonging and understanding is what i long for so much. I want to be safe also. I am often teased about being afraid of the dark...im not afraid of the dark..."im afraid of WHAT is IN the dark". I also have such a huge personal space bubble (its HUGE) that i am offended when it is broached w/o my permission. Literally offended like "how dare they"...but once someone is in that is no longer an issue if i have invited them...im excited to let everyone give and get huggs...
i think when we do the sweat i will have to have someone beside me holding my hand...

You know what I think I want?

Peace.