Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Yesterday a young man I saw in therapy a few months ago came in to see me. He was smiling so happily and doing so well! He had struggled with very sexist values,partly to overcompensate for the sexual abuse his father perpetrated against him. As a result, he ruined his marriage with affairs and had enormous insecurities about fathering his toddler daughter. On his last day of therapy with me, he and I drew up a "sexual self" contract, and he kept his word for three months: no sex. He told me that his guy friends had mocked him for it, but he had responded "I need to do this for me, to regain my self control." He had opportunities for sex, but held to his contract.
The contract ended on June 24, but he had persisted in his voluntary vacation from sex because, as he said it to me, "I feel so GOOD about myself! This may sound corny, but I actually see things differently! I sense the world differently. I don't simply take in stimulation so it can benefit ME; I see colors, I hear sounds, I sense deeper meanings in symbols. I am a better man." He started to cry in my office, with joy, as he told me this. I told him that I understood his struggle with sexual desire, but that I was so proud he had come to the other side of his three months and found this waiting for him. I said that if I had told him in advance, he wouldn't have believed it; he needed to find that for himself. He is now pursuing a new healthier relationship with a special woman.
He then told me that he and his daughter are closer than ever, and they adore each other. He had been terrified that being a sexual abuse victim would make him suspect to others, or more likely to perpetrate abuse as well, so he had detached from his own girl. But during therapy, he had used some of my techniques to reconnect with her and establish a role as a good man/parent, and she has never been happier. My patient said, "it gave my daughter her father back." I replied, "It gave your daughter HER father back. Not YOUR father." He understood the meaning and smiled with reddened eyes. He has purged himself of all his guilt and shame about his father. He hugged me and told me that even though he is unemployed, he feels so happy and free. He said, "other than my daughter, this [therapy] was the best thing I ever did in my life. I wish I could come back for two more weeks."
Then last night I went to my own therapist and had a two-hour session. I burst through a wall and recognized something wonderful and extremely happy about myself, something that has reinvigorated me as a man, husband, and father like nothing has before. I'm not too big and proud to tell you that I finally got to let out a stuck point, with all the tears that come with it, and a light didn't just turn on; it blazed! My therapist then gave me some of the kindest feedback I have ever had from a colleague: "Matt, you are probably the healthiest person I know. And you are the best therapist I have *ever* met, bar none." This is a peer I respect immensely, and these words meant so much to me. It's not that my ego needed a narcissistic jump-start; I needed to know that I was making the right choices in my role as a therapist, as well as a family man. In fact, she said I had been far too hard on myself. This was every bit as much a revelatory vision as the four days I spent on the hill in my younger adulthood. The session left me with a gift of a story that I will hold inside, privately, for a few years before I give it away. I also learned something remarkable about my wife that I hadn't even realized, and about my place with her.
(it's not uncommon for therapists to have therapists; in fact, most agencies now require it as a routine part of self-care. My employer provides--and mandates--six free sessions every year to myself and every member of my family, which is a very enlightened benefit.)
The contract ended on June 24, but he had persisted in his voluntary vacation from sex because, as he said it to me, "I feel so GOOD about myself! This may sound corny, but I actually see things differently! I sense the world differently. I don't simply take in stimulation so it can benefit ME; I see colors, I hear sounds, I sense deeper meanings in symbols. I am a better man." He started to cry in my office, with joy, as he told me this. I told him that I understood his struggle with sexual desire, but that I was so proud he had come to the other side of his three months and found this waiting for him. I said that if I had told him in advance, he wouldn't have believed it; he needed to find that for himself. He is now pursuing a new healthier relationship with a special woman.
He then told me that he and his daughter are closer than ever, and they adore each other. He had been terrified that being a sexual abuse victim would make him suspect to others, or more likely to perpetrate abuse as well, so he had detached from his own girl. But during therapy, he had used some of my techniques to reconnect with her and establish a role as a good man/parent, and she has never been happier. My patient said, "it gave my daughter her father back." I replied, "It gave your daughter HER father back. Not YOUR father." He understood the meaning and smiled with reddened eyes. He has purged himself of all his guilt and shame about his father. He hugged me and told me that even though he is unemployed, he feels so happy and free. He said, "other than my daughter, this [therapy] was the best thing I ever did in my life. I wish I could come back for two more weeks."
Then last night I went to my own therapist and had a two-hour session. I burst through a wall and recognized something wonderful and extremely happy about myself, something that has reinvigorated me as a man, husband, and father like nothing has before. I'm not too big and proud to tell you that I finally got to let out a stuck point, with all the tears that come with it, and a light didn't just turn on; it blazed! My therapist then gave me some of the kindest feedback I have ever had from a colleague: "Matt, you are probably the healthiest person I know. And you are the best therapist I have *ever* met, bar none." This is a peer I respect immensely, and these words meant so much to me. It's not that my ego needed a narcissistic jump-start; I needed to know that I was making the right choices in my role as a therapist, as well as a family man. In fact, she said I had been far too hard on myself. This was every bit as much a revelatory vision as the four days I spent on the hill in my younger adulthood. The session left me with a gift of a story that I will hold inside, privately, for a few years before I give it away. I also learned something remarkable about my wife that I hadn't even realized, and about my place with her.
(it's not uncommon for therapists to have therapists; in fact, most agencies now require it as a routine part of self-care. My employer provides--and mandates--six free sessions every year to myself and every member of my family, which is a very enlightened benefit.)
I have said it before here, I couldn't imagine being in a therapist's chair everyday, the world's worst being journaled and pasted on the pages laid bare to you. I further could not imagine this without a well-trained sounding board for your own self preservation. Whomever your therapist is, they must be very good for you to turn your thoughts and feelings over. Good for you!
And Matt, someday, someone who may never know about you, will have you to thank for her father. A relationship she will need. I wish the Psychiatrist who saw my father every month courtesy of the VA would have been shown him a path toward being MY father. I wonder how my life would be different if he had.
Oh, wait...You meant "thanks for showing us you're human!"
And yes, it's who you think it was. You were a skeptic, and with good reason, but he's actually come through!
Heckle: I think you were very much a part of that idea, yes.
Matt....don't wanna meet the human you have in storage as a spare if he/she isn't as insightful and understanding as you are! Thanks for all that you do for all of us!
But of course I'm human. It was long, long ago I gave up that "I have to be perfect" insecurity; now, I am proudly, proudly flawed. I can even be a jerk sometimes! I can mess up, need help, be vulnerable, say the wrong thing at times (Heckle, you stay out of this, you hear??!), and say "I don't know" to a question.