Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
First, I want to invite ALL the RAR people to share in these thoughts. I don't want those of us who attended the retreat to become the new RAR "clique" that leaves those who couldn't be here disheartened at not being part of the "in crowd" now. So I'd like to share my memories of the best times of this retreat, so that ALL of us can enjoy them.
This will take more than one post. I'll be adding a lot here.
Thank you all for accepting me. Thank you for not "Clamming up" and stopping the jokes when I pulled up my chair with you, and for initiating me as one of the circle. I may not be a "survivor" through the same initial experiences as you, but I guarantee that my heart is in this, and I know exactly what it's like to feel alone, misunderstood, and afraid. So even if it's not for the same reasons, it feels JUST as good to me to be welcomed, included, and loved as it did to any of you.
Thanks for showing respect to my friend, Bill. He means a lot to me, and we go back many years.
Thanks for seeing the people who were staying off to themselves and approaching them, welcoming them, and absorbing them fully into the circle.
Thanks for treating the grounds with respect. There was no litter, no harm of any type, caused to the grounds. I am a member of the church that owns that land, and it is holy ground--more so after this weekend, I think.
Thanks for treating my friend James with respect. He has a good heart and is eager to help us. Your patience and respect for our oldest and most precious ceremony was noticed, and James called me to say that he felt good about all of your work. He said that he sensed you were all well-prepared to really get something positive, and not just be curious tourists trying it out. James was impressed that you knew how to benefit from the ceremony, and that you used the time to pour out your hearts and then begin to heal again.
Thank you for taking care of yourselves and not magnifying your burdens, or judging others' lives, or going one-up on painful stories (yes, this actually happens in some groups). You were compassionate with those who had hard times, but I also sensed that every single one of you was focused on future peace, hope, and growth, and not on the past, past, past. That is a sign of a thriving survivor.
Thank you for welcoming in those who were new, who didn't have established DS histories.
Thank you for the humor. Thank you for it being a good mix of clean, positive fun and just enough bawdy "salt" to be lively without being crude or cutting anyone down.
Thank you for teasing me, which I not only loved but also saw as a sign that you really trusted that I wasn't going to get angry or offended. It told me that you sensed things were safe, and it was okay to bring me into your fun.
Thank you for no arguments, gossip, or tension of ANY kind.
Thank you for being certain to let me know exactly what this meant to you. It was very reassuring to be formally sat down by the group and TOLD what this meant, and your hopes about its future.
This will take more than one post. I'll be adding a lot here.
Thank you all for accepting me. Thank you for not "Clamming up" and stopping the jokes when I pulled up my chair with you, and for initiating me as one of the circle. I may not be a "survivor" through the same initial experiences as you, but I guarantee that my heart is in this, and I know exactly what it's like to feel alone, misunderstood, and afraid. So even if it's not for the same reasons, it feels JUST as good to me to be welcomed, included, and loved as it did to any of you.
Thanks for showing respect to my friend, Bill. He means a lot to me, and we go back many years.
Thanks for seeing the people who were staying off to themselves and approaching them, welcoming them, and absorbing them fully into the circle.
Thanks for treating the grounds with respect. There was no litter, no harm of any type, caused to the grounds. I am a member of the church that owns that land, and it is holy ground--more so after this weekend, I think.
Thanks for treating my friend James with respect. He has a good heart and is eager to help us. Your patience and respect for our oldest and most precious ceremony was noticed, and James called me to say that he felt good about all of your work. He said that he sensed you were all well-prepared to really get something positive, and not just be curious tourists trying it out. James was impressed that you knew how to benefit from the ceremony, and that you used the time to pour out your hearts and then begin to heal again.
Thank you for taking care of yourselves and not magnifying your burdens, or judging others' lives, or going one-up on painful stories (yes, this actually happens in some groups). You were compassionate with those who had hard times, but I also sensed that every single one of you was focused on future peace, hope, and growth, and not on the past, past, past. That is a sign of a thriving survivor.
Thank you for welcoming in those who were new, who didn't have established DS histories.
Thank you for the humor. Thank you for it being a good mix of clean, positive fun and just enough bawdy "salt" to be lively without being crude or cutting anyone down.
Thank you for teasing me, which I not only loved but also saw as a sign that you really trusted that I wasn't going to get angry or offended. It told me that you sensed things were safe, and it was okay to bring me into your fun.
Thank you for no arguments, gossip, or tension of ANY kind.
Thank you for being certain to let me know exactly what this meant to you. It was very reassuring to be formally sat down by the group and TOLD what this meant, and your hopes about its future.
I am actually in the process of doing something for you Matt...I dont know if it will be very "cool" but...I want to do it and I hope it means something to you when I finish it lol
It may take me a few months o.O haha because I am a perfectionest! (BTW: Meagan you can fix that if you want lol)
I wanted to share something personal before I get shy. Stephanie gave me permission to share this.
I mentioned in a group conversation in the hallway Saturday night that I had been taken by surprise in the sweatlodge because I had been so careful to prepare and care for all of you and YOUR experiences, and it never occurred to me that there could be something for me in there, too.
Before the fourth round, Stephanie asked if she could sit by me. I appreciated this, because I saw it as a sign of trust and friendship, and that perhaps she saw me as someone whose presence beside her could calm and help her in some way. So during the round, I was doing my prayers--"Creator, give these women a blessing, give them nighttimes without fear, give them a sense of their worth"--when I felt a tiny hand on my knee.
Now, being a guy, I have to be VERY careful about close touch with women. It's so easy to mis-read, or twist, even a pure and innocent action and make it seem scandalous. But there was nothing of the sort; she was being very pure, very trusting, very holy. It was a gesture of trust and support, not anything a person would judge in some way. And I could feel that intention from her, and I wanted to show her that I "got it." So I put my hand gently on top of hers. And that's when it hit me. It was such a tiny hand! Such a small, gentle, and young hand. And under my large hand, it was so vulnerable, but so relaxed and at peace with me. And it broke my heart. I grieved out on those stones my sorrow for her pain--"How COULD they? How could they hurt her How could someone DO this to her Can't they see her as she really is?" And then it expanded to a prayer about ALL of you. "How could they do this to them? How can they not see the life they are hurting, the people they are?" And I just wept. I was able to leave some of that built up sadness and horror about the hurt I have seen and felt form all of you, and so many others, for years. I was able to grieve for your grief.
And it started with a small hand, and a touch that spoke of innocence and holiness.
Namaheche--Door!
It is amazing what power a simple touch can have. (I mean this in only a positive way!)
just thank you for grieving for us. it gets old and tiresome doing it for ourselves.
"This was such an amazing experience for me. I was absolutely terrified to be a part of it. I was afraid I wasn't good enough to be a part of a spiritual ceremony. And I don't mean good enough in THAT way, I mean in terms of the fact that I have a very hard time with the whole God thing. And, quite frankly, I was still intimidated by Matt. Very intimidated.
The first round, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to do. I was in the back with [taking out names] on my left and I had [no names] on my right. As soon as they closed the door and it got dark, [no names] started crying and [no names] tensed up. Immediately, I put one hand on each of their knees and they grabbed my hands, held them tight, and never let go. I felt good to be sitting there helping these two absolutely beautiful, strong, amazing women while they let things out. But at the same time, I was terribly afraid. I was afraid that I wasn't going to find anything here. I was afraid I was doing something wrong by being there because I have SO much hatred for this God that everyone was so willingly praying to. I have not prayed to God since 2002. If I pray for someone now-a-days I do by praying through Mike. Mike was SO amazingly close to God and loved God and everyone SO MUCH. So in a way it's like I'm talking to God through a third party because I knew he would always just turn around and ask God what he wanted me to hear.
At the end of the first round, I left confused and soul-searchy. But for some reason, I wen into round 2's round 1. In that one, I was with myself. Don't know the women well, but even so. I found what I needed.
I NEED FAMILY.
That's exactly what I had been thinking too before the ceremony. I have no family here, someone will come after me if I kinda disappear over here. It's when they didn't that I began to more than just say it and ingrained belief in me and everything. I cam back from my spot near the water feeling you don't see me, I'm invisible.
But inside the healing round, when I was holding [no names] trembling hand, ti was so much more than an Ah-Ha moment. And at one point I just closed my eyes, tilted my head back, and had a huge smile across my face and whispered, "Mike, I did it. Can you hear me Mike? I found my family.. It's all of these women and Matt."
So, for the fourth round, I was determined to show that to someone. I asked them if I could sit next to them that round. Of course they said yes. I was nervous. I don't know why. I had NOT been able to meet this person's gaze all weekend. I wanted to, and that person tried to meet my gaze, but I always looked away, looked down. This was the one person I was JUST absolutely terrified to let down. To have them see what I have a hard time getting away from. I KNOW that I'm powerful, and I KNOW that I help these women with that power, and KNOW that I have wisdom and perceptions no 20 year olds really do, but I do not understand how people, like Bill, can just sense that in me. I know why I'm powerful. Because all the ears being hit by my Dad, I did not sit and wallow in self pity/whoa is me crap. I always thought SOMEDAY, I AM GOING TO PROVE ALL YOUR WORDS WRONG! BECAUSE I AM BETTER!!!
So, tangent aside, we got in the fourth round, and I wanted to listen to this person' voice and hear them pray. I always heard my name in his prayers, but I never could catch what he was praying for me. So I worked up the courage to say what I did to everyone, and he said "Thank you." When the door closed and everyone began praying, his prayer for me was something to the effect to help me to be strong and a protector for all these women like I was. But he just said women. I didn't want that. I AM POWERFUL, and I wanted all the people to feel it not just the women. So I reached out and put my hand on his knee. It was the first contact I had made with him since the initial hello hug. And he put his hand on top of mine, and sobbed. And I cried with him, even though he doesn't know it. I wanted to show him that I wasn't afraid of him. I was afraid, and am afraid, of my own eyes. My eyes are the one part of my body I cannot control. When you look into someone's eyes. I believe you can see deep inside things they never speak of. I was afraid to meet his gaze and him to be disappointed in what he saw. I am still rying, but affter the fourth round, I wasn't so scared to meet his gaze anymore. I wasn't intimidated anymore And I was extremely thankful to call him a part of my family."
I let Matt read this journal, and while we talked, I met his gaze, and KEPT it. And I didn't look away. And I wasn't scared. And I hugged him, multiple times until we parted ways until next year. Matt is the FIRST man that I have hugged ever that I didn't know before Rich. Any of my friends before Rich I consider safe. But new people I do not. And Matt broke that boundary for me.
This entire weekend was such an amazing experience. And I love every single one of you. And to those who couldn't make it this weekend, you are a part of my family too, and I can't wait to hopefully see ALL of you next year.
<3 Stephanie
But, I couldn't put a phrase with it and it it drove me crazy!!! But, in the end I left it blank, just thinking about the all-knowing eye. So, I thought that maybe it was meant to be left that way. In the sense, that to the abused my hope is it means that someone will see their pain, the pain that the eyes cannot hide and reach out to them. And for the rapist/abuser it would mean that you cannot hide, someone sees who you really are inside...
I like reading the stories about it. I just recently got back online so I'm trying to catch up..