Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I've been very attentive to the posts about wilderness retreat fears. For one thing, I want to be able to reassure people that you will enjoy yourselves. For another, I do have this dreadful fear that after investing thousands of dollars, people will suddenly start backing out. I don't really expect that--I know you all are really excited and eager--but when you're on the "wallet" side of things, it's a thought that crosses my mind.
But something came to me last night that may explain some of the fear, and I wonder if you could consider it and comment? I think one cause for fear isn't that the retreat could be bad, it's that people already know it will be very, very GOOD. As in, transformative!
But that also could cause some people to have a new set of "what if's".
What if this is the event that could really change me, turn things around, and improve my life...but it doesn't? If this is such a powerful force for healing and bonding, then if it DOESN'T accomplish that, will it take away my hope that something ever *could*?
What if the retreat is wonderful...but I'm not? What if so many other women gain healing and strength right before my eyes, but for some reason the magic doesn't come my way?
What if everyone else turns out to be amazing, wonderful women, and I'm the only one who's...well, me? Can I bear the contrast of my ordinariness against all of their elegance?
What if I have "symptoms" show up--night terrors, a big cry, or something? How would I deal with that in front of all these other powerful women? Surely *they* would never struggle--only *I* would, right?
"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate
our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world -
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
and as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
-Marianne Williamson
But something came to me last night that may explain some of the fear, and I wonder if you could consider it and comment? I think one cause for fear isn't that the retreat could be bad, it's that people already know it will be very, very GOOD. As in, transformative!
But that also could cause some people to have a new set of "what if's".
What if this is the event that could really change me, turn things around, and improve my life...but it doesn't? If this is such a powerful force for healing and bonding, then if it DOESN'T accomplish that, will it take away my hope that something ever *could*?
What if the retreat is wonderful...but I'm not? What if so many other women gain healing and strength right before my eyes, but for some reason the magic doesn't come my way?
What if everyone else turns out to be amazing, wonderful women, and I'm the only one who's...well, me? Can I bear the contrast of my ordinariness against all of their elegance?
What if I have "symptoms" show up--night terrors, a big cry, or something? How would I deal with that in front of all these other powerful women? Surely *they* would never struggle--only *I* would, right?
"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate
our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world -
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
and as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
-Marianne Williamson
What if the retreat is wonderful...but I'm not?
What if everyone else turns out to be amazing, wonderful women, and I'm the only one who's...well, me?
What if I have "symptoms" show up--night terrors, a big cry, or something?
I'm not really expecting "magic", I don't get my hopes up, but since you mentioned it, it would be nice. :)
Mostly, I share a lot of the fears Leitha said in her first post. I have such harsh nightmares that my husband sleeps in another room (he's a good guy, he can take it, but one of us has to work so its something I encouraged so he wouldn't be so sleep-deprived). I don't want to trigger others, or, honestly, humiliate myself. I have nothing but empathy for others when they cry or hurt, but for me to do it in front of almost anyone else is painfully humiliating. I can be supportive, nothign make me uncomfrotable coming from others, but to accept anything back... that I'm really not good at.
Writer- I'm there with you on meds and needing somewhat regular sleep. This concerned me too. Partially because I'm scared being out of my comfort zone will make me anxious, scared and make it hard to sleep, but also because if (by some miracle) I actually open my mouth and talk to people and make friends I'm going to want to be up late talking in the halls, too. I haven't had female friends since I was about 12, but I remember likeing it, and talking a LOT.
I'm also just flat scared about being alone, out of myy comfort zone. I used to be fearless about going to new places alone, but over the past couple of years, as some stuff has changed, I have gotten almost agorophobic, avoiding anything new because I just don't want to be hurt. In new situations I usually just kind of hide behind my husband let him do all the talking since he's so charming and I'm afraid of coming off as "awkward".
I can handle not having the best time (I know it would only be my fault) but I couldn't handle ruining someone else's time.
Anyway, thank you for bringing this up.
If you have symptoms like night-terrors, or a big cry it is the most perfect place to be in because everyone has experienced those things at one point.
I was so sure that I would not cry, because crying is not acceptable at my house... Turns out I was a big old blubber baby and not little cries, I did the ugly cry for a lot of the time and it was totally okay. I felt comfortable enough just to let my feelings out and it felt soooo good to be able to be honest with the emotions I was feeling.
You will not ruin everyone elses time, the good thing about this retreat is how accepting other are of different personalities. And for not having met others it is awesome that you are here now getting to know all of us! Hopefully that will help you feel more comfortable about meeting in person. I think the only people I had talked to before the retreat was Matt, Tonya, and Carmen because I joined like right before the retreat started and when I got there everyone was totally cool and welcoming!
It's official. I'm signed up, plane tickets booked, etc. I'm really excited. But then...it suddenly hit me: What did I do? Now I'm REALLY GOING! How scary!
Back in November, I wrote out a list of my fears about going to the retreat. Some seem silly, I know, but here they are, in no particular order:
I'm afraid I won't fit in at all. Everyone else will be best buddies and I'll be on the sideline, all shy and awkward.
I'm afraid no one will like me.
I'm afraid I'll spend the entire time crying.
I'm afraid I'll be emotionally numb and in a complete daze.
I'm afraid something will be said or something will happen and I'll be all triggered and will fall apart and make a horrible scene.
I'm afraid of the sweat lodge. I really want to do it but I'm afraid it will be too much for me physically and/or emotionally. I don't want to ruin it for everyone by freaking out at being in a dark, enclosed space.
I'm afraid of being stupid and bumbling and inept in front of people that already mean so much to me.
I'm afraid of going to a strange place I've never been before.
I'm afraid of trying to meet people at the airport and missing them or not recognizing them.
I'm afraid of forgetting to pack what I need, losing stuff, missing flights, getting lost, or doing something careless and stupid. (I usually fly at least a couple times each year. I've flown alone before. I'm always afraid of this. The worst that has ever happened is that I've forgotten to pack something that I then had to buy...or I've lost something easily replaceable. Yet I'm convinced that each trip will turn into a disaster of my own making.)
I'm afraid of being some sort of horrible downer for everyone.
I'm afraid of disappointing everyone else when they realize what a dud I am.
I'm afraid we'll do some activity that I will fail at.
I'm afraid of being a burden or inconvenience to other people.
I'm afraid of accidentally doing or saying something wrong and hurtful to others.
I'm afraid of pictures or videos of me going up on DS or the RAR website.
I'm afraid of getting sick while I'm there.
I'm afraid of never sleeping -- and being a zombie person the whole time -- or having terrible nightmares and not knowing how to cope with them there.
I'm afraid of being without my favorite coping mechanisms. (OK, I'm kidding about that one. I think.)
None of you laughed...well, not too much!...and Matt along with others were SO reassuring. I can't sayenough how glad I am that I went, and how much I'm looking forward to this year.
After the retreat, I wrote this:
I just reread this list of fears and...wouldn't you know it? Some of them came true! I did get triggered and fell apart, but it wasn't the big deal I'd feared it would be. Not being able to handle the sweatlodge still is hugely disappointing to me, but it didn't send me into some sort of horrible tailspin that ruined the rest of the retreat for me. And I hardly slept, but I felt more rested than I'd felt in weeks, if not months.
Of course, you did all find out I was a dud, but you were nice to me anyway!
Despite all my fears, the retreat was, overall, so much better than I could have possibly hoped. How thankful I am that I went. Can't wait til next year...
Anxieties:
1. What if this is a trick, and these people are not as they seem online?
2. What if no one likes me?
3. What if my plane gets bombed?
4. What if I get left behind at the airport?
5. What if I get seriously sick?
6. What if I am not ready?
7. What if no one believes me?
8. What if I am not strong enough?
Actuality:
1. This was not a trick or a scam, but rather the largest group of sincere and genuine people I have met.
2. I am a likeable person nd mo mater how ugly, torn, and broken I feel inside of of these women have brought out the strength in me, seen through all of the pain and fo the first time in years truly saw me.
3. Well there was a burning buss as I pulled up to the airport, but my flight was fine and not nearly as bad as Judy's!
4. Haha I was fine at the ariport, it was the campground that I got left at! But the fact that I did not totaly freak out shows me my growing strength.
5. Thanks to all of our medical professionals evein if I got sick I would have ben fine. Hell, Abbigail made me a sling from and apron! Now that is talent.
6. There was no way for me to know the answer to this fear. However, know that it is all over I can say that I was ready, fully and compleatly.
7. I do not know why I thought this would happen because even though I barely knew everyone, I had no doubt in my mind that everyone had been through Hell and back. Luckily Ifound the same amount of instant understanding and acceptance.
8. I have learned through this journey that I am strong, stronger than I ever thought. I am strong for laughing and strong for weeping. But most of all strong for justsimply being.