Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I've been very attentive to the posts about wilderness retreat fears. For one thing, I want to be able to reassure people that you will enjoy yourselves. For another, I do have this dreadful fear that after investing thousands of dollars, people will suddenly start backing out. I don't really expect that--I know you all are really excited and eager--but when you're on the "wallet" side of things, it's a thought that crosses my mind.
But something came to me last night that may explain some of the fear, and I wonder if you could consider it and comment? I think one cause for fear isn't that the retreat could be bad, it's that people already know it will be very, very GOOD. As in, transformative!
But that also could cause some people to have a new set of "what if's".
What if this is the event that could really change me, turn things around, and improve my life...but it doesn't? If this is such a powerful force for healing and bonding, then if it DOESN'T accomplish that, will it take away my hope that something ever *could*?
What if the retreat is wonderful...but I'm not? What if so many other women gain healing and strength right before my eyes, but for some reason the magic doesn't come my way?
What if everyone else turns out to be amazing, wonderful women, and I'm the only one who's...well, me? Can I bear the contrast of my ordinariness against all of their elegance?
What if I have "symptoms" show up--night terrors, a big cry, or something? How would I deal with that in front of all these other powerful women? Surely *they* would never struggle--only *I* would, right?
"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate
our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world -
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
and as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
-Marianne Williamson
But something came to me last night that may explain some of the fear, and I wonder if you could consider it and comment? I think one cause for fear isn't that the retreat could be bad, it's that people already know it will be very, very GOOD. As in, transformative!
But that also could cause some people to have a new set of "what if's".
What if this is the event that could really change me, turn things around, and improve my life...but it doesn't? If this is such a powerful force for healing and bonding, then if it DOESN'T accomplish that, will it take away my hope that something ever *could*?
What if the retreat is wonderful...but I'm not? What if so many other women gain healing and strength right before my eyes, but for some reason the magic doesn't come my way?
What if everyone else turns out to be amazing, wonderful women, and I'm the only one who's...well, me? Can I bear the contrast of my ordinariness against all of their elegance?
What if I have "symptoms" show up--night terrors, a big cry, or something? How would I deal with that in front of all these other powerful women? Surely *they* would never struggle--only *I* would, right?
"Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate
our biggest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn't serve the world -
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us
and as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."
-Marianne Williamson
I can't wait to meet everyone ...I'm 42...old enough not to try to measure up to others....I've learned we all equal out anyway..so I quit trying. I like me better that way.
As far as I'm concerned my healing and recovery will come when it comes...I don't expect it to be at this retreat...this retreat is just a step in the process for me.
How many of us are in local face to face support groups where we live. I'm not. So this is my chance to support and be supported by someone face to face, who has walked part, or all of the mile and more in my shoes.
I can't wait to meet everyone!
BTW Beautiful Poem
I WAS fearful of coming on this retreat. I had to sit and ask myself, 'why?'. This is what I came up with:
I do, fequently have night terrors, especially in the Spring, especially in May. I scream out in my sleep. I fight. I beat at the insides of my thighs...I don't wear shorts because I usually have bruises up and down my inner thighs - ugly bruises. So, here is what about that, that causes me to be fearful. YOU ALL. Not how you may react to me, or to my apparent lack of healing (because this screams of "I am not as well as I wish") - no, I fear FOR you. If I scream, and you hear me, it might trigger you. I fear making YOUR lives harder because of my issues. I fear you all having less of a good time because of me, because I might ruin it for you.
I fear that I will be depressed because of the 'date'...this is my anniversary as you know. I fear getting lost in my own head because I can do that when I am triggered.
That's it. That is my list of fears, the one's I tend to feel I should have control over.
I want you to know this though - I want to be in Oklahoma...at that campground...at that time...with all of you, more than anything I can think of. I want to conquer my fears that hinder, but don't prevent my travel...like being on airplanes alone. This will be a test for me, to get to Memphis by myself. I have done it...once. I had a sense of accomplishment when I arrived in Philadelphia. I had done it on my own, with no help. I succeeded.
I have an additional admission - my faith in all of you. You see, I have been interacting with you all for quite some time. I am not afraid of any of you, not Matt, not James, and not Bill Miller. I don't fear these men, because I trust Matt (and he vouches for them). I have never met him, and I suppose that should make me fearful, but...really, I have met him. I have met him here, in his posts...and in RAR-- a beautifully, and sensitively written book that has one purpose - to aid people just like us, achieve survivorhood. So, I 'know' Matt....and Tonya...and, I want to learn each of the rest of you, and I want you to know me - the real me. And, no matter how disturbed my dreams may cause me to become, I believe, by the kindness shown to me here, that you will forgive me - and you will accept me anyway.
Obviously we share a date, so enough said there.
I'm afraid tha I won't sleep at all. Sounds like a wierd fear, but trust me...after three or four days of completele vigilance it gets really hard to be rational in the middle of the night. and especially if I'm alone in a cabin in the middle of the woods alone at night while everyone else is sleeping...ugh it just scares me to think of how I'll react to it.
I'm afraid that I WILL fall asleep and make a fool of myself. Especially the night of the 16th.
I have no been on an airplane since my best friend was killed in a plane crash in late june this past year, and I have no idea what my reaction is going to be. I'm afraid to panic because I'll be alone, and they won't let my fly because I'll make an idiotic scene...
But honesly, the benefits that I envisioin in you all outweigh all of my fears and possible scenerios. And I know out of anyone, you will be the least likely to judge me.
My main fear is that my in-person person is less palatable than my online person. Most of the time I think I am a lot more palatable in person but I don't know what people like about me when I'm online. I'm generally quiet, soft spoken, totally incapable of saying comforting things aloud. I don't know how to compliment people. I couldn't just walk up to someone and tell them how beautiful I think they are. But you can be assured that I am at least thinking these things. Maybe I'll just have to shyly give you all little sticky notes with compliments and comfort on :)
So it's not so much a comparison thing as it is a general "I'm not good enough".
I did briefly think about me not receiving the magic but when I realised that I was going to the retreat for a chance to meet you guys I realised the 'magic' was secondary to me. It would be a gift but it's not what I am basing my enjoyment on.
When I first read about the retreat I wasn't dealing with nightmares or bad flashbacks so it wasn't something that put me off attending. I have those now but I've read enough of other posts to know it's okay to have those moments. It's a safe place to have them - which by my experience means I will probably experience one episode..I get them fishing because it's a safe place.
However, there is this little excitment in me, almost a yearning to set out of my comfort zone and have an experinece w like minded people. There is no support group where I live, so to join w other survivors and meet everybody personally would bbe great. And by just opening myslef up to this would produce growth, so I am not concerned about change not occuring. I know it will, e;ll just experience diffrent levels o f it.
I am concerned bc I take daily meds and have to adhere to somewhat of a stable sleep scedule...
writer, I don't think you'll have to worry about your sleep pattern. Everyone stays up or goes to sleep as needed. As for the safety thing I think reading over past retreat discussions and messaging those who have attended will really help ease your mind. Looking at the rar.org site gives you photos and little videos..I used those to help visualise in my mind where I was going. This is my first retreat too