Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Inspired by Bird, I've written my first sticking points journal entry.
I'll not be posting it in the group for public consumption as it involves the rape of a male by a female and I don't want some random Googler getting his kicks off my pain. Unfortunately, there a lot of men who think that rape by a female is the ultimate fantasy.
The journal entry is restricted access to friends only, but I'll be happy to add RAR members as friends - just add me if you want to read it.
The exercise was hard. I am triggered and exhausted. I didn't realize how much I remembered and felt until I spilled it out on the page. I didn't use sterile, academic language. I spoke in plain English and told the truth and I hope it will benefit me. I have more sticking point journal topics to cover.
Thanks for the encouragement Bird. This was a very challenging exercise.
I'll not be posting it in the group for public consumption as it involves the rape of a male by a female and I don't want some random Googler getting his kicks off my pain. Unfortunately, there a lot of men who think that rape by a female is the ultimate fantasy.
The journal entry is restricted access to friends only, but I'll be happy to add RAR members as friends - just add me if you want to read it.
The exercise was hard. I am triggered and exhausted. I didn't realize how much I remembered and felt until I spilled it out on the page. I didn't use sterile, academic language. I spoke in plain English and told the truth and I hope it will benefit me. I have more sticking point journal topics to cover.
Thanks for the encouragement Bird. This was a very challenging exercise.
Please be careful reading if you are easily triggered today.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inspired by Leitha's encouraging words, I'm going to cover one of my "sticking points" - erect and inside my rapist. I will describe what I felt and I hope I don't offend or trigger.
This was a rape and in order to accurately describe what happened - to get past a sticking point - I need to be a bit graphic. I just need to say it. Please be careful reading if you are in a bad place today.
How do I process this? I was now awake. I remembered being awake very briefly earlier, but went back into the black quickly. I was nude from the waist down. She was on top of me. I was inside her. I could feel her wrapped around me - her wetness, her warmth, her soft flesh hugging me and sliding up and down. This is something I would have enjoyed and remembered fondly had it been my beautiful Lauren (then girlfriend) on top of me.
I was as hard as I could possibly get. I felt a mixture of pleasure, fear, disorientation and extreme confusion. I didn't want to feel anything. She made me feel her vagina as she raped me in silence. The rhythm of her body as she rocked back and forth and up and down moved the bed and me under her. I looked at her and couldn't believe that I was actually afraid. I was terrified and speechless. How did I get into this position? How do I get out of it?
It was dirty and shameful and emasculating. I felt owned - like a thing - a rape toy.
I can feel her fingers on my bare skin - her hands on my stomach when she leaned forward.
I was inside her - and I was the one being raped. This is so hard to grasp and I buried it for nearly 20 years. I was a big, tough Marine and a little, pregnant woman took my control away and fucking raped me for several hours just because she could.
She bought me drinks. She talked to me about my girlfriend. She drugged me. She undressed me. She took off my pants and stripped off my underwear, as if my body belonged to her. I was naked before her and completely unconscious. I was a piece of meat and she owned me then. How long did she do what she wanted? What did she do that night that I don't remember? Did she share me with anyone that night? Did she take pictures? Did she consider mutilating me? What was going through her mind that night?
How did I get an erection? How long was she touching me while I just lay there unconscious? What did she do to me all night long? Did she take me in her mouth? Did she manipulate me until I gave her the erection she wanted? Did I ejaculate while my eyes were closed? Did I give her my orgasm? Did she want it? Did I moan? Did my legs tense up as they normally do when I ejaculate?
Or did I just lay there while she rode me? Just a wet piece of meat for her amusement? Did I feel anything while I was asleep?
Why do I feel so ashamed and sad writing about this?
Is it worse not knowing? Or would it be worse if I had been awake for all of those hours? I was awake long enough for the rape to continue in the morning. I eventually disconnected mentally and drifted away from the act. Or was it the second rape? Or third? Or fourth? Did she orgasm while I was inside her?
Did she kiss me?
When did I bury my face between her thighs? I don't think it happened in the morning, when the rape continued while I was awake and in shock. Did that happen at her home later that day? Is that memory, which recently emerged while I was performing oral sex on my wife, real? Did I really lick my rapist's vagina? Did I swallow her fluids while she orgasmed under my tongue? Did this memory really happen?
I want to stop being ashamed of my body memories. I want to stop experiencing erections when I am triggered. I want to stop feeling like I need to cross my legs because I can feel her on my genitals, having her way again.
I want her to give me my body back.
I can't do anymore of this tonight.