Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Upon remembering the rape, I've come to question some of my life decisions following that weekend.
Why did I get involved with so many unavailable women? I have never cheated on a single girlfriend. So why was I quite content with having unprotected, meaningless sex with older married women?
It didn't matter where or who - in Illinois while home on leave, Raleigh-Durham on a weekend off, or around Camp Lejeune where I was stationed.
Was this self abuse? Was I just being a man-whore? Am I reading too much into this? Isn't this expected of men?
In retrospect, I can easily see that these encounters were clearly dangerous.
Unprotected sex with strangers who have husbands could have resulted in disease or violence easily. I would never cheat on my own girlfriends, so why was I so easy with being the other man?
Another instance that stands out involved alcohol and two women I had met a mutual friend's wedding. I was in the back seat, buzzed. They were in the front seat arguing over who I was going to sleep with that night. I didn't know these women. Yet, I let them argue over who was going to have me that night. And then I let the winner have me.
What was I thinking?????
Was it about taking back control? Did I just feel safer with women who didn't want me for anything other than physical contact?
Did I have a sign on my head that let these women know I was easily manipulated and would be submissive?
I then got involved with a verbally abusive and highly manipulative woman who was a popular radio DJ in the area. At first it was thrilling and fun being with a local celebrity. The novelty wore off quickly even though my friends thought it was so cool. We were on again and off again for 2 years. I spent more time as a babysitter for her daughter than I spent as a boyfriend. That part was okay as I loved that little girl and miss her still today.
After we had broken up, (one of many) I even helped her find her former fiance who had been missing in Bosnia (this was during the horrible war in the early 1990s). She actually married him and he then left her immediately upon arrival in the U.S. Guess who was called in to console her? Stupid me. So, once I again I was having sex with a married woman who didn't love me. Well, maybe she loved me a little, but not that I could tell.
I ended up meeting my wife through her. I had sex with the ex-girlfriend in the morning and then with my future wife that afternoon. This was not about love or passion, just physical contact and release. More destructive behaviour. They nearly came to blows the day she found out we were going to get involved. My married ex-girlfriend was nearly arrested at her part-time job (local radio doesn't pay well) when she destroyed a store display in anger at my decision to no longer be her toy. I sure know how to pick women...
I married my 29 year old wife six weeks later at the age of 22 and became a stepdad to an 8 year old boy. In retrospect, I may have moved a tad hastily...
She set the timelines for everything related to our relationship. She demanded I tell my mother I was dating her a week after we met and badgered me daily until I did. She proposed to me. She decided upon the civil ceremony at the courthouse. She. She. She.
It is clear to me now that I have been submissive in relationships and loathe at confrontation with my partners (thanks Mom).
I'm not sure where I will be a year from now, but I know that I need to spend some serious time understanding how I got where I am now. Some things are going to have to change and permanently.
(sigh)
Why did I get involved with so many unavailable women? I have never cheated on a single girlfriend. So why was I quite content with having unprotected, meaningless sex with older married women?
It didn't matter where or who - in Illinois while home on leave, Raleigh-Durham on a weekend off, or around Camp Lejeune where I was stationed.
Was this self abuse? Was I just being a man-whore? Am I reading too much into this? Isn't this expected of men?
In retrospect, I can easily see that these encounters were clearly dangerous.
Unprotected sex with strangers who have husbands could have resulted in disease or violence easily. I would never cheat on my own girlfriends, so why was I so easy with being the other man?
Another instance that stands out involved alcohol and two women I had met a mutual friend's wedding. I was in the back seat, buzzed. They were in the front seat arguing over who I was going to sleep with that night. I didn't know these women. Yet, I let them argue over who was going to have me that night. And then I let the winner have me.
What was I thinking?????
Was it about taking back control? Did I just feel safer with women who didn't want me for anything other than physical contact?
Did I have a sign on my head that let these women know I was easily manipulated and would be submissive?
I then got involved with a verbally abusive and highly manipulative woman who was a popular radio DJ in the area. At first it was thrilling and fun being with a local celebrity. The novelty wore off quickly even though my friends thought it was so cool. We were on again and off again for 2 years. I spent more time as a babysitter for her daughter than I spent as a boyfriend. That part was okay as I loved that little girl and miss her still today.
After we had broken up, (one of many) I even helped her find her former fiance who had been missing in Bosnia (this was during the horrible war in the early 1990s). She actually married him and he then left her immediately upon arrival in the U.S. Guess who was called in to console her? Stupid me. So, once I again I was having sex with a married woman who didn't love me. Well, maybe she loved me a little, but not that I could tell.
I ended up meeting my wife through her. I had sex with the ex-girlfriend in the morning and then with my future wife that afternoon. This was not about love or passion, just physical contact and release. More destructive behaviour. They nearly came to blows the day she found out we were going to get involved. My married ex-girlfriend was nearly arrested at her part-time job (local radio doesn't pay well) when she destroyed a store display in anger at my decision to no longer be her toy. I sure know how to pick women...
I married my 29 year old wife six weeks later at the age of 22 and became a stepdad to an 8 year old boy. In retrospect, I may have moved a tad hastily...
She set the timelines for everything related to our relationship. She demanded I tell my mother I was dating her a week after we met and badgered me daily until I did. She proposed to me. She decided upon the civil ceremony at the courthouse. She. She. She.
It is clear to me now that I have been submissive in relationships and loathe at confrontation with my partners (thanks Mom).
I'm not sure where I will be a year from now, but I know that I need to spend some serious time understanding how I got where I am now. Some things are going to have to change and permanently.
(sigh)
i have just joined the group . i am the partner of a survivor who has experienced a lifetime of abuse and has gone down this route of being very sexualisied in the past and always practicing unsafe sex . She still retains this attitude now and the way she defends this position is probably the hardest part of our relationship . I believe she is committed to being faithfull , but i worry that she may not be true to herself one day .
i look forward to being a part of the group if you would welcome any imput from a partner .
take care all .