Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Upon remembering the rape, I've come to question some of my life decisions following that weekend.
Why did I get involved with so many unavailable women? I have never cheated on a single girlfriend. So why was I quite content with having unprotected, meaningless sex with older married women?
It didn't matter where or who - in Illinois while home on leave, Raleigh-Durham on a weekend off, or around Camp Lejeune where I was stationed.
Was this self abuse? Was I just being a man-whore? Am I reading too much into this? Isn't this expected of men?
In retrospect, I can easily see that these encounters were clearly dangerous.
Unprotected sex with strangers who have husbands could have resulted in disease or violence easily. I would never cheat on my own girlfriends, so why was I so easy with being the other man?
Another instance that stands out involved alcohol and two women I had met a mutual friend's wedding. I was in the back seat, buzzed. They were in the front seat arguing over who I was going to sleep with that night. I didn't know these women. Yet, I let them argue over who was going to have me that night. And then I let the winner have me.
What was I thinking?????
Was it about taking back control? Did I just feel safer with women who didn't want me for anything other than physical contact?
Did I have a sign on my head that let these women know I was easily manipulated and would be submissive?
I then got involved with a verbally abusive and highly manipulative woman who was a popular radio DJ in the area. At first it was thrilling and fun being with a local celebrity. The novelty wore off quickly even though my friends thought it was so cool. We were on again and off again for 2 years. I spent more time as a babysitter for her daughter than I spent as a boyfriend. That part was okay as I loved that little girl and miss her still today.
After we had broken up, (one of many) I even helped her find her former fiance who had been missing in Bosnia (this was during the horrible war in the early 1990s). She actually married him and he then left her immediately upon arrival in the U.S. Guess who was called in to console her? Stupid me. So, once I again I was having sex with a married woman who didn't love me. Well, maybe she loved me a little, but not that I could tell.
I ended up meeting my wife through her. I had sex with the ex-girlfriend in the morning and then with my future wife that afternoon. This was not about love or passion, just physical contact and release. More destructive behaviour. They nearly came to blows the day she found out we were going to get involved. My married ex-girlfriend was nearly arrested at her part-time job (local radio doesn't pay well) when she destroyed a store display in anger at my decision to no longer be her toy. I sure know how to pick women...
I married my 29 year old wife six weeks later at the age of 22 and became a stepdad to an 8 year old boy. In retrospect, I may have moved a tad hastily...
She set the timelines for everything related to our relationship. She demanded I tell my mother I was dating her a week after we met and badgered me daily until I did. She proposed to me. She decided upon the civil ceremony at the courthouse. She. She. She.
It is clear to me now that I have been submissive in relationships and loathe at confrontation with my partners (thanks Mom).
I'm not sure where I will be a year from now, but I know that I need to spend some serious time understanding how I got where I am now. Some things are going to have to change and permanently.
(sigh)
Why did I get involved with so many unavailable women? I have never cheated on a single girlfriend. So why was I quite content with having unprotected, meaningless sex with older married women?
It didn't matter where or who - in Illinois while home on leave, Raleigh-Durham on a weekend off, or around Camp Lejeune where I was stationed.
Was this self abuse? Was I just being a man-whore? Am I reading too much into this? Isn't this expected of men?
In retrospect, I can easily see that these encounters were clearly dangerous.
Unprotected sex with strangers who have husbands could have resulted in disease or violence easily. I would never cheat on my own girlfriends, so why was I so easy with being the other man?
Another instance that stands out involved alcohol and two women I had met a mutual friend's wedding. I was in the back seat, buzzed. They were in the front seat arguing over who I was going to sleep with that night. I didn't know these women. Yet, I let them argue over who was going to have me that night. And then I let the winner have me.
What was I thinking?????
Was it about taking back control? Did I just feel safer with women who didn't want me for anything other than physical contact?
Did I have a sign on my head that let these women know I was easily manipulated and would be submissive?
I then got involved with a verbally abusive and highly manipulative woman who was a popular radio DJ in the area. At first it was thrilling and fun being with a local celebrity. The novelty wore off quickly even though my friends thought it was so cool. We were on again and off again for 2 years. I spent more time as a babysitter for her daughter than I spent as a boyfriend. That part was okay as I loved that little girl and miss her still today.
After we had broken up, (one of many) I even helped her find her former fiance who had been missing in Bosnia (this was during the horrible war in the early 1990s). She actually married him and he then left her immediately upon arrival in the U.S. Guess who was called in to console her? Stupid me. So, once I again I was having sex with a married woman who didn't love me. Well, maybe she loved me a little, but not that I could tell.
I ended up meeting my wife through her. I had sex with the ex-girlfriend in the morning and then with my future wife that afternoon. This was not about love or passion, just physical contact and release. More destructive behaviour. They nearly came to blows the day she found out we were going to get involved. My married ex-girlfriend was nearly arrested at her part-time job (local radio doesn't pay well) when she destroyed a store display in anger at my decision to no longer be her toy. I sure know how to pick women...
I married my 29 year old wife six weeks later at the age of 22 and became a stepdad to an 8 year old boy. In retrospect, I may have moved a tad hastily...
She set the timelines for everything related to our relationship. She demanded I tell my mother I was dating her a week after we met and badgered me daily until I did. She proposed to me. She decided upon the civil ceremony at the courthouse. She. She. She.
It is clear to me now that I have been submissive in relationships and loathe at confrontation with my partners (thanks Mom).
I'm not sure where I will be a year from now, but I know that I need to spend some serious time understanding how I got where I am now. Some things are going to have to change and permanently.
(sigh)
But, kind of like a New Year's resolution...make the changes attainable, like, don't shoot for permanent too soon, aim at improvement, then once you see improvement and it fits, aim at making the improvement permanent. I think we kind of get in a cycle of failures and get stuck. When we make small improvements...I call them 'little victories'...we begin to recognize how good it feels. We quit being consumed with the act of changing, and we receive the gift that even slight improvement renders.
For me it had to do with control, but more than that, it had to do with no worth in myself and that was all guys wanted, so just do it and get it over with so they'd leave you alone. You could also mingle trying to normalize something that was abnormal, in there. And of course, rape couldn't happen again and wouldn't as long as I didn't object.
I probably shouldn't be posting today... my bad attitude is showing isn't it?
Joyce, I can understand about going the opposite way. I know other survivors who did the same.
I won't stop seeking understanding Lucinda. You can count on that!
Kaye, that sums up some of how I feel and felt. It is so strange how this reaction works without regard for gender or age differences.
It will take some time for me to shut it off and have a healthy relationship.
I've started researching this topic, but most of it pertains to women. James, would you be willing to contribute your thoughts--anonymously or not--to help me reach other men who are wrestling with this? I can't compensate financially, of course, but I also wouldn't dare refer to such a personal account without asking permission.
I want to specifically address the "stole my virginity" concept in this work as well...
Is this a meritorious project, or fool's gold?
By the way, I think it is great idea that James contribute. I don't think there is enough information out there about men that have been through this trauma.
I personally believe it is a great idea. Most people do not understand this part of a rape victims life or choices. Most just look at it as "Oh, apparently you are over it." I hate that when you get that attitude from someone. If you need any help with contributions, please feel free to let me know.
And the "stole my virginity" issue....if you only knew what that single act, just those words alone, what it does to us. And, to find many years later, that 'literally' we didn't have our virginity 'stolen'....that we, in reality had to consent....only to realize so many of us felt we no longer had any valid cause to withold, so we became free with our bodies....and gave ourselves away anyway. That is the ultimate shame. To realize that, had you not acted out sexually after your rape, you indeed had something of value left to offer. Life can be almost just a cruel joke at times.
My plan is to release something simple at first, just to finally get the new concept out there. I won't claim to be an expert on this, so I'll start with a simple project and then work on a more expansive one as insight and input come to me.
I'd appreciate any help I could get!
I'm fine with contributing. Let me know how you want to proceed. I think this is a good idea and I'm fine with contributing the perspective of a male rape survivor of a female rapist.
Thanks to everyone who posted supportive messages (which was everyone who posted).
It was like the wind had been knocked out of me when I realized how my behaviour went out of control following the rape - even though I had repressed it. I was clearly engaging in very dangerous ways even though I did not realize the source of my imbalanced perspective.
I start therapy again on Saturday. I completed an 8 session program with the local rape crisis center when the memories resurfaced. I'm now going to be doing the harder work of delving deep into the wound and cleaning it out.
I can see that this will be one of many things I'll need to discuss with her...