Based on an earlier incident today, I think we need to hash out some boundaries and limits. When members of a group are upset, please keep in mind that everything you write or send is a lasting document, so don't express anything you wouldn't want held up as evidence of the whole group's trait. In the real world, we all know that people express things when angry that do not characterize their entire, 24/7 persona, but there are those who would take our angry rantings and make exhibits of them to demonstrate, "See? That RAR group is awful!" In truth, we are a phenomenal group, and I love and appreciate you. Most common-sensical people would look at words hurled in anger and say, "that doesn't show me anything about the group. It only shows me what one person expressed during anger."

Frankly, NONE of us would want our angriest words used at the measurement of our character, but on the internet that's exactly what happens.

I am not typically an angry guy. In fact, my loved ones and advisers often tell me that I should vent more often, that I am too cool-headed. The truth is, I seldom take offenses personally. What DOES make me angry is when I see my loved ones harmed, mocked, or belittled. I try very hard to stay rational, even when storms blow up all around me, but we are ALL human, we ALL have limits, and there is no expectation that anyone, including therapists, ministers, nuns, teachers, nurses, or social workers, must be paragons of perfect mental health. What IS required of us is to acknowledge our faults and remain aware of them. I, for example, have a flaw I want to acknowledge, which is that although I tend to remain calm, I find myself appreciating it when others become fierce toward those who are hostile to me. I should not.

I saw that this group is very defensive of me, eager to fend off smears and innuendos that have no place in this forum. For that, I am appreciative. It does mean a lot. Please know that I would just as fiercely stand up for any of you. However, ALL of us must remember that crisis is when our values are proven, not set aside.

There remain some people on DS who have a personal grudge and dislike for me. I do not wish to return enmity toward them, and have always maintained that their anger toward me is a one-way conflict, and that not only do I not intend any hurt in return, but that if any of them were alone with me they would STILL be in the safest place in the world. I just don't have a molecule in me that wants to see harm come to them, even though I am not entirely certain that is a point of view they share. Critics, after all, are merely the evidence that an accomplishment has been attempted. If I talk and write about survivors being amazing people, and the interrelatedness of life, then I *must* include even those people who have no affection for me at all, or else I am merely an empty suit spouting platitudes like a cuckoo clock. For one thing, I know that my example in how I handle this adversity must reassure ALL of you that if you were ever upset with me as well, I would not harm, defame, or mistreat you. The only way to show that to be true is by leading with my values in these situations as well.

Let's be honest: the time is likely to come that each of us will have critics and adversaries try to denounce us. That should not prompt us to "circle the wagons" for battle. If we are to demonstrate that our work and our values have merit, and are worth defending with passion, then those values MUST be plainly visible in response to our adversity. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Repay hostility with kindness.

I did not do that earlier today; I reacted harshly with a lot of anger. The reason is because I believed--and STILL believe--that the agenda of the earlier incident was purely to embarrass and shatter the cohesion of RAR. To me, that is offensive because it represents an effort to contaminate a resource that serves rape survivors. It places a preference for controversy, discomfort, and emotional distress above the sanctity of survivors' needs, which is a cruel betrayal of survivors for the sake of personal grievances. I cannot tolerate that. I admit that I was also hurt by the insensitive and lackadaisical intrusion of comments about struggles and losses in my personal life, as if my life is free to the public domain; I was astonished by the lack of consideration for the issue and how it affects me. I would never burst into someone's church, for example, and blurt out to strangers, "I heard so-and-so was left at the altar, is that true?" or "I heard so-and-so is gay, is that true?" We are talking about real peoples' lives here, and the abrupt insensitivity truly astonished me. I suppose that prompted me to more anger than it should have, but I am human, and this issue has brought immense harm to my family--my wife, my little boys--and to see it treated so callously was awful.

I think RAR has become a very progressive and amazing place, beyond what I'd ever hoped. I do think one area we need to work on is our social openness. As I've said before, any survivor who remembers how it felt to be alone, ashamed, and uncertain before finding a place here will have an instinctive desire to lessen that pain in anyone else. Our task is not to audit newcomers for personal compatibility, but to lift strugglers from the cold water of trauma into the lifeboat with us. Not all of them will personally connect with all others. Some will sample our group and choose not to remain. Some will clash with us. But I propose that an essential tenet of "survivorhood" is that this gift of gracious and merciful acceptance is not our property to dispense, but the inherent right of ANY survivor who seeks it earnestly from us. On rare occasions, it has been necessary to impose a removal of a member from RAR, but that is a solemn and unfortunate decision; only three persons have ever been banned, and only one ban was administered by by myself (a man who was an acknowledged rapist who ventured here looking for absolution from the group).

I do not see myself as the superior member of RAR, and regret that the title of "founder" causes this to be seen as "Matt's group" rather than a common park. My real moral value about this work is that it calls us into contact with all sorts of people, most of whom we will love dearly (and some of whom we just won't). But we should think of ourselves as apostles rather than bouncers, striving to extend the happiness of recovery to all who seek it, and responding to adversaries with firm defense but not with hate. I am not preaching, I am reminding myself of that as well. The fact that we occasionally fall short does not make us frauds or failures, it makes us humans who should occasionally log off, run around the block, get a drink, take a nap, and meditate before resuming this work. I love this work, it makes me happy in ways I cannot describe, and I am very vigilant about losing my spark by over-feeling the angst and conflict that ebbs and flows through it.

No method of recovery will work for every victim, and thus no social support group will be the perfect setting for every victim either. The fact that some individuals do not find their social and emotional needs met on RAR is not an indictment of the group, but merely a fact of life. I don't feel particularly welcomed and understood in every church I could walk into, either. That doesn't mean the people there are bad or that what they believe is wrong.

I believe that the instinct to avoid pain has motivated some of the worst behaviors in human life, and is the source of most pathology. That is why I do not fool myself that RAR will always be a tranquilized Zion, or become anxious and upset when conflicts do arrive here. These things are part of life, they come and go like the tides, and should not be seen as cracks in the foundation of our work. They are not. They are merely hurdles that we should be becoming ever-more adept at leaping and moving on.

Folks, I really care about you. I am amazed at your humor, strength, insight, and courage. I see us all with our flaws on display, and it doesn't change my views of you in the slightest. I am sorry that some people have chosen to discard this type of support, or hope to disrupt it by making my private losses and pains into something to be teased about or advertised.

Gakina Awiiya ("We are All Related") is more than a cute phrase.