Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I know I've said this a million times, but it's SO important. The retreat is a time for healing and community, for fun, for growth, for courage, and for change. It is not a weekend of therapy or crisis intervention (I had some inquiries made by therapists who wanted to refer their patients to the retreat, but I politely declined and suggested they reconsider next year, because their clients were still in crisis. I explained that the retreat is not the place to come during a crisis in hopes that it will stabilize their self-injury, substance abuse, suicidal risk, etc.) We've been fortunate that every year has been a positive, healthy, happy experience for those who have come. Never once has there been a crisis or a situation we couldn't handle.
I attribute that to the self-care each person has invested as they've prepared beforehand. You all have done a superb job, every time, of coming to the retreat in a well-prepared state of mind! There has never been any self-harm, any medical crisis, any meltdown or suicidal risks--not once. Oh, people have come while nervous, perhaps even terrified. People have come and shed tears. People have come despite feeling uncertain. That's all normal. But NOBODY has ever come and brought "crisis drama" with them.
So what I wanted to ask you is this: what are some of the ways each of you has prepared yourselves? What tips or advice do you have about how you've taken care of yourselves and done such an excellent job, year after year, of coming together in such a healthy, peaceful way?
I attribute that to the self-care each person has invested as they've prepared beforehand. You all have done a superb job, every time, of coming to the retreat in a well-prepared state of mind! There has never been any self-harm, any medical crisis, any meltdown or suicidal risks--not once. Oh, people have come while nervous, perhaps even terrified. People have come and shed tears. People have come despite feeling uncertain. That's all normal. But NOBODY has ever come and brought "crisis drama" with them.
So what I wanted to ask you is this: what are some of the ways each of you has prepared yourselves? What tips or advice do you have about how you've taken care of yourselves and done such an excellent job, year after year, of coming together in such a healthy, peaceful way?
Now, as to the "plan" on what to do to prepare. I didn't prepare for the right thing Year One. So, there IS a message in that, and it is a good one. There are things we CAN prepare for. Things we can anticipate, and have a plan in place to cover us. Anxiety is an issue? Bring your meds...and make sure you are aware of the airline's rules for traveling with meds. Most require that they be in original containers from the pharmacy, with your name on the label. Injectible meds are allowed, as are needles, but they have specific travle rules too. Blood sugar issues..? While in flight or at the airport...have the required foods with you, in small quantity, so you can eat as you need to. The airlines don't serve peanuts anymore...only carbs in the form of tiny pretzels. Bring your own emergency flight foods, because, at the campgrounds, there has historically been plenty of snack foods available at any t ime.
Judy mentioned it, and I will repeat it, because...this year, I intend to abide by the rule of traveling light. I have a horrible habit of overpacking. I plan on minimalist attire this time. Wait, NOT the attire itself. I promise to cover all my parts, lol. I mean, I will bring items I can mix and match, and fewer items than usual. I also plan on bringing/wearing ONLY flops. Easy on, easy off...no hang ups at the airport security counter.
Now, on a personal note. You all know my date for the rape was 5-16-70. The first year, I was absolutely petrified of everything about the retreat. I hoped that I covered it well on the boards, but...in the background, I was tearing up the keys connecting with Matt, asking for every piece of assurance he could offer. He did not lie to me. He was calming and encouraging, and, best of all, he offered to talk directly to my husband, in order to help alleviate any upset he had about me flying hundreds of miles, to a barren prairie...to meet "internet people". (My hubby thinks internet acquaintences are...false). It has been my experience, they are anything but. We are all dealing with "stuff". Now is not the time to be timid with your fears. State them to someone. Like Unfurling said, someone needs to know your deepest fears, so that they can help you if something triggers you, and you need support. Be ready to say, "Would you walk with me?", or..."I am really struggling right now, please get Tonya or Matt for me". IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE IN LENDING THE REQUESTED SUPPORT -- BY ALL MEANS, GET MATT, OR TONYA, OR JENNIFER...OR WHOMEVER IS THERE AND CAN LEND THE APPROPRIATE SUPPORT. There is no shame in this. The shame would be, for you to struggle in an effort to support someone else. They are in a mental place where they CAN help. That is NOT to say that a person who is there, just like you, as a guest, cannot lend support. It just means, if YOU can't, then help that person reach out, to someone in a better place emotionally - not one person will be upset with you.
Now, back to the point I was trying to make at the outset. The issue of being prepared has two edges. I am in total agreement with the Boy Scout motto portion of self-preparendness. BUT, I encourage you...keep your eyes, your ears, and your heart ...'open'. The atmosphere is one of a joyous, encouraging, uplifting sense of support, shared mutually. But, we each bring a different set of circumstances to the proverbial table. It would be a total shame if there is a message prepared for you, (call it karma, or coincidence [but we don't believe in that, lol], call it what you will, but be open to the possibility)...and you fail to receive it, because of all the "planning". Don't organize every second of your mind, or your time. PLAN FOR DOWNTIME. And, be ready to be moved emotionally. It may be the music. It may be the people. It may be something you witness, from afar, or right under your nose. But, if you come expecting a 'moment' that you may bring away with you, you will.
Year one, I had a huge secret I was harboring, never, ever planning on letting go of. Night number one, of Retreat number one, turned all of that inside-out. My secret was "safe". It was a thing I had trained myself not to focus on. But, my secret was eating me up from the inside out. Bill shared, and he sang...then, he got very personal. He talked like he knew us, and he looked at us, and he smiled, and he showed emotions. In the middle of what he said, I got lost in his meaning...in somehting much deeper than the words he was speaking. In the middle of Bill's words, I connected to him on a much deeper level than I would ever have "planned" to. In fact, had I known where we were going that night...in Bill's memories, I might have refused the trip altogether. I didn't, and I have forever been thankful, even though Bill's words have spurred me to move out of my 'safe' place, and to name the thing that I was hiding so "well". He showed me that a person can love God, and feel hate. That was a new concept for me, and he was offering me "permission" to share in that experience. I was about to rupture with all that I carried, and with hope.
So, as you pack your bags, gather your toiletries, your camera, towel...your nerve -- don't forget to allow space, for ______________________________________. You fill it in. Imagine what it might be that you are to be gifted with this year. Imagine it, but, don't lock THAT thought in place. This retreat holds out to us, the unknown blessings that are bigger than our imaginings. This is a thing one can't completely "prepare" for. But, one can certianly prepare to be ready, for YOUR gift. And remember, a gift is a thing that we receive. It is not a purchased thing that WE can engineer. It, by the very nature of the word, is simply something new...something for us. My gift was different than anyone else's, but I guarantee, each person received a gift meant just for them....all they had to do was be available to receive it.
I cannot wait to meet my new friends, and to smile with y old friends. Are you ready?
For months, I've been anticipating burning the things I'm bringing to be my significant event. But I may be such a doofus that I forget to pack them. Or I may chicken out. Or I may watch them disintegrated by the flames and feel very little other than a didappointed sense of "This really isn't the big deal healing experience I'd hoped for". But I know I will leave the retreat with something that will profoundly impact me, and that I will treasure whatever gift that is, and hold it in the most sacred part of my heart.
Jezzia, sorry to disagree with you, but tequila is not the devil. Whiskey is. I happen to have a ringtone on my cell phone to prove it.
And lets face it Matt- the chill environment sure helps everyone to feel at ease. There's no ridiculous plan for us to come together in any un-natural way. It's all very organic, and only someone who understands the mentality of a nervous survivor could appreciate that. Anyone else would think that it would have to be scheduled to the hilt as for us to not "flounder." On the other hand, all other issues as far as travel, meals, sleeping arrangements, etc, are all worked out for us so that we don't have to worry about things outside of our control (especially your first time going.) It's because you've listened to what is wanted and needed and appreciated it. You've allowed us to make it "ours" and not only what you've had in mind. The energy breeds calm, cooperation and support. What we need controlled is controlled, all else is controlled by us. A perfect recipe :D
I also try to go with an expectation of peace. To know I will find some peace is hugely relaxing. I think that's big on preparing yourself. Whatever it takes for you to know that you will be okay.
i haven't even thought of it as preparing but i haven't consciously done it but guess it is :) everytime i've felt nervous about an aspect - like flight check in - i've dreamt/visualised it to death..every possibility thought about. More importantly though than my dream ninja skills ;) was that i can use it to work though my emotions and anticipate where i might feel more anxious.
The only thing i seem to be struggling right now on is knowing i'll be accepted vs my fear of being accepted as a person, a survivor
One suggestion I'd make: consider the sweatlodge as an opportunity to burn something in the coals, too. Think ahead if there are things you want to incinerate. But when I did that last year, I noticed something very unusual I want to pass on. I had expected that I would be disposing or something in the fire, getting rid of images and objects that had negative energy for me. Instead, I found that the process wasn't one of disposing, getting rid of, or removing anything, it was one of GAINING. I burned some thing last year, and instead of losing them, I gained other things in their place. I hadn't expected that.
I want to burn something and let go of feelings tied to my mother, but I just can't think of anything...
What is some stuff others are burning, if they can share?
I've been working on why one relapse knocked my confidence..never really has before. Had a bit of pep talk and feeling better about my ability to cope :)
Okay, I just realized. I want to be there and just be able to feel safe, even though i know everyone knows some of my business that no one else does. I want to have a few days to really relax. And to just be calm, and give myself a break, decompress, and recharge my batteries. I am feeling worn thin lately. This will be good. I feel SO fortunate to be able to attend. I can't wait to be there.