Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I was chatting with a fellow survivor last night and came to a realization. Something about that night has haunted me.
My memories are fragmented. Several hours are missing in large blocks. When the memories first came back in May, I believed that she was able to rape me because I was drunk. I must have been for it to happen like that. But I wasn't THAT drunk. I seldom ever get THAT drunk. How did I stay unconscious for all of those hours? I don't remember drinking, although I'm sure I had a few that night. I preferred mixed drinks over beer and tend to only have 2 at most when out. Did she buy me a drink before we went to the motel? Was I drugged?
I don't remember much of anything except waking up during the rape and being unable to move. I drifted back off into unconsciousness quickly and stayed that way (as far as I can recall) until morning when I awoke to her on top of me again.
I don't remember much except her fury. Like I was interrupting something. Being accused of rape while being raped. Scared. Silent. Frozen. I feel the muscles in my arms stiffen as I type this.
I don't remember getting out of bed. I don't remember getting dressed. I don't remember driving her home, but I know I did. I don't remember entering her home, but I have memories of the interior. I remember her revealing herself as a dominatrix to me and being proud of that fact. She showed me her toys and restraints. She made lunch. She expected me to cuddle with her on the couch under a blanket for hours well into the night. She complained that I hurt her vagina the night before and I was unable to respond as I couldn't remember. She told me to sit across from her on the couch and then pinned my legs between hers so I couldn't get up. She insisted on it. Then said I better be careful of the baby and got angry when I moved my feet nervously.
What else happened? When did she send me away? Was there more abuse? The unknowns are scary and eat away at me.
So much is a blank from that entire weekend. I remember going out with her to a club in Wilmington. Was that during the same weekend? Did it happen a different night? Why did I let further contact occur? What did I do when I got home to the barracks?
Why is everything so fragmented and confused?
I am beginning to believe that I was drugged that night and a few survivors I've talked with seem to see the same thing. Was I targeted and preyed upon from the start? It was easier to believe that her's was a crime of opportunity. Now, I am forced to confront the possibility that she was a predator from the beginning and I was the prey.
How do you defend against something you could never imagine possible in all your worst nightmares???
My memories are fragmented. Several hours are missing in large blocks. When the memories first came back in May, I believed that she was able to rape me because I was drunk. I must have been for it to happen like that. But I wasn't THAT drunk. I seldom ever get THAT drunk. How did I stay unconscious for all of those hours? I don't remember drinking, although I'm sure I had a few that night. I preferred mixed drinks over beer and tend to only have 2 at most when out. Did she buy me a drink before we went to the motel? Was I drugged?
I don't remember much of anything except waking up during the rape and being unable to move. I drifted back off into unconsciousness quickly and stayed that way (as far as I can recall) until morning when I awoke to her on top of me again.
I don't remember much except her fury. Like I was interrupting something. Being accused of rape while being raped. Scared. Silent. Frozen. I feel the muscles in my arms stiffen as I type this.
I don't remember getting out of bed. I don't remember getting dressed. I don't remember driving her home, but I know I did. I don't remember entering her home, but I have memories of the interior. I remember her revealing herself as a dominatrix to me and being proud of that fact. She showed me her toys and restraints. She made lunch. She expected me to cuddle with her on the couch under a blanket for hours well into the night. She complained that I hurt her vagina the night before and I was unable to respond as I couldn't remember. She told me to sit across from her on the couch and then pinned my legs between hers so I couldn't get up. She insisted on it. Then said I better be careful of the baby and got angry when I moved my feet nervously.
What else happened? When did she send me away? Was there more abuse? The unknowns are scary and eat away at me.
So much is a blank from that entire weekend. I remember going out with her to a club in Wilmington. Was that during the same weekend? Did it happen a different night? Why did I let further contact occur? What did I do when I got home to the barracks?
Why is everything so fragmented and confused?
I am beginning to believe that I was drugged that night and a few survivors I've talked with seem to see the same thing. Was I targeted and preyed upon from the start? It was easier to believe that her's was a crime of opportunity. Now, I am forced to confront the possibility that she was a predator from the beginning and I was the prey.
How do you defend against something you could never imagine possible in all your worst nightmares???
I hope both of us figure it out so we can deal with it. At least I feel it's easier to deal with the 'known' than it is the unknown.
From my understanding, the blanks are indeed evidence of 'drug'... not so much alcohol. I think I'll go see if I can find a site that gives the exact symptoms.
Hope this link is a useful starting point, anyway.
http://www.roofie.com/
http://www.casapalmera.com/articles/effects-of-drugs-used-in-drink-spiking/
"Some people who have been affected by drink spiking feel as if they have had more alcohol than they actually did or sense that they have had sex but do not remember it. Other people wake up feeling almost hung over and have no memory of certain periods of time."
I think that sums up my own memories perfectly.
And yeah... that sentence seems to explain things for me, too. I am not a happy camper at the moment.
Thanks for that link Phoenix.
"Due to the nature of the crime itself, it is very difficult to determine whether someone has been drugged and sexually assaulted. Due to the memory loss that can occur, the victims themselves are often unsure. It is also thought that this can cause serious under-reporting of this crime as victims may assume that they just had too much to drink and therefore believe themselves responsible."
I think the police prefer to concentrate on the proven cases of rohypnol or ketamine use, for example, because those drugs are the 'known' ones and it's easier to get a conviction if they can find evidence of them. It's just infuriating when we all know that there are so many other ways to get someone out of it; even if someone was 'only' drunk, they shouldn't just assume that the victim hadn't been spiked in some way.