jez, I don't think there is anything wrong with you for not approaching the book yet. Don't punish yourself for not going through it yet. When you're ready, you're ready. When you're not; well, there isn't much point trying to do the exercises any way. You work hard on your recovery and a lot of the questions you ask yourself are ones covered in the book. Maybe knowing that you're already working on it will help the book seem less scary?

I happen to like Leitha's approach, when she worked through the book 2-3 years ago. Leitha didn't do every activity in order, she did the ones she felt ready for and skipped the one she didn't. Then she came back to the ones she'd skipped a few weeks or months later and did them. Then one day she looked back and realized that she had actually done the ENTIRE book, and it had made a tremendous difference! (Seriously, Leitha isn't even CLOSE to being where she was in 2008 when we first met). Also, she worked through the book here in RAR, either in posts or in journals, so there was continually feedback and other women doing the same exercises too.

Leitha is a fantastic role model, maybe this would be a good prompt for those of us with exercises still to do to perhaps think about doing them and posting them here or in our journals?

I took the time to just read thru most of it first, all out of order before I even attempted to work any of it. I read the things I wanted to know about first, then skimmed thru the rest...it was much easier to deal with when I opened it up to start working on it later...

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Thank you for the kind words. It wasn't actually a planned event. I had serious issues with certain parts of the book. I initially decided it wasn't critical to my healing to skip the parts i thought I did not want/need to do. I think they call it something like....denial. LOL.

I hadn't actually accepted I was denying certain facets of my issues. I had serioulsy believed I had no real interest in doing those parts. They were "written for people who NEEDED them" -- not me. What I had failed to realize was that the very parts I was avoiding...(ugh! Now there is a fishy term!) were potentially the MOST important parts for me. I realized the book was written with a certain "flow" to it, but, like trauma, the flow each of us needs may differ from others. I let the book direct the work, but I let my heart direct the direction I moved. It did NOT feel disjointed. Other books may not work so well they way. RAR works best when we let it work in tandem with our need.

I truly did gain courage AS I worked through the book, and most assuredly from the input of others as I tried to work the journal assignments, got stuck...and found a prompt in the encouragement of others. The "Steal/Didn't Steal" assignment is one example. I had poured myself into the "steal" portion. I was burnt out when I finished it...really deflated. Matt came alone some time in the fray of words I spewed out, and gently reminded me not to stop there...all open and wounded (fancy that! He knew I would be undone at that point)...and he softly said..."Now...go finish the journaling by speaking to the things rape didn't steal...so you aren't left so open and raw..." (paraphrase, but close I think). It was true. I was flatened by the first part, but the more I wrote to the things I still owned...I found a huge breath of fresh air. I found parts of me I hadn't even considered were me, much less that they hadn't been stolen. I looked at ME, and I wasn't disgusted with what I saw.

Every word of encouragement...every person who journaled in parallel fashion, all those words helped me so much. The depth of thought all that journaling provoked was startling to me.

Thank you Matt, for the words you wrote here, about where I was, and where I am. I think, to those who do not realize that I am Mockingbird12, but only see the struggles of Mbird53 -- they wouldn't know the journey I have made so far. They wouldn't know I had not yet divulged a lifetime of incest. They would see a struggle, without the triumph. No, I am not "there" - not finished. But, neither am I "there", where I was all those nights ago, when I typed those first desperate words into the search on my computer. I am not THAT woman anymore. Thank you for the reminder. :)