Group today was exhausting, but SO worth it. My group members continue to amaze me with what they can do.

Since yesterday's breakthrough, my youngest group member decided to write, read, and process her story for the first time EVER (and she has been in therapy for the past decade, all over the place). For some reason, not one therapist had actually, oh I dunno, had her work on this issue??

So she read her story. At first she was holding it all together, being very cool, very nice, very poised. So the story itself wasn't bursting things open. So I changed directions and had her begin to describe how her abuser had harmed her. After a few "I don't know's", she finally connected with those deeply-buried feelings and exploded. I mean, EXPLODED. As in, rush of tears, slinging her notebook as hard as she could, pounding the floor, and screaming "Why? WHY?!" Nobody moved to intervene (because my group is too awesome). We let her finish completely. She said her head felt "fuzzy" and then she gave me a quizzical smile and said, "I feel good!" as if it surprised her. Being angry felt good!

We talked about how she had kept her story locked away in parts her mind she wouldn't let herself go to, and consequently had spent 11 years being nice, sweet, cute...oh, and drunk and high as can be. We talked about how even feel bad felt good, because it was finally a REAL feeling. She had them, they matter, and SHE matters.

We processed how her entire support system had not only failed her, but inadvertently promoted the abuse by modeling abusive male power as "the norm," and being preoccupied with violence and amusement rather than connecting with her as a little girl. She saw this, understood it, and began to forgive herself for her frozen, paralyzed response to the abuse. We also dealt with some very delicate stuck points, and she was able to overcome them. At the end, she said that up until the last week in therapy she had been ashamed of her story, and now she is proud to tell it and hopes it can help other young women who feel caught in shame and isolation after abuse.

I had another group member who finally released the full brunt of her grief about a very difficult issue of loss. I won't elaborate, but she became extremely brave and honest, and purged out a massive amount of stored-up agony and sadness. She took on the most difficult issue in her entire life, and allowed the group to view it and accept it. She resisted a lot of positive feedback because she felt undeserving of it, but finally she gave it to herself--without realizing it--when she was able to contrast her part ("I don't know who I even was") with her present ("[I would love another woman with this story] because it's who I am. I am loving. That's me.")

Remarkable. Of course, neither of them feels particularly strong, relieved, or even happy right now. That's not instant. But it means they both took major steps and tested out their new strengths. They're going to make it!

Add two more hawks to the flock; two more women to the tribe.