Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
THIS IS MY FIRST EXERCISE FROM RESURRECTION AFTER RAPE; it is not intended as an assignment, but, this is a problem for me, so I will look at this deeply.
1) I do not openly degrade myself, but I think that way. I fear being perceived that way.
I fear rejection and I devalue my worth in the lives of others.
2) I have worked to a great extent on readjusting my concept that rape rotted me inside
and left me with nothing of value to share. Those thoughts have now become a quest
toward value that I can bring someone up from where I am, even if that means they
'step on my shoulders' and I hoist them to where I have not reached....yet.
3) "Hurt Me" on my forehead? Not anymore. I have moved away from that belief.
4) Criticism vs praise. I will admit that it is exceedingly difficult to accept praise. Criticism
has been the legacy left me by my father. When one lives it everyday, from a tiny
girl into adulthood, new lessons about my worth and ability are difficult to receive.
Can you imagine the first person in your life to EVER say you are intelligent is the
Psychiatrist treating you for the first time after eight years of hiding and lies. The
first time I ever heard "You are very intelligent, and bright", I was 20 years old.
I usually think the kindness of positive words are a ploy to make the reality of the
criticism more palatable.
5) Behavior inviting rejection. Always when I was younger. I believe I have matured
through this now.
6) Others loving me now: Hmmm. It has taken me 34 years + to accept the love of a
man who stands beside me as my husband. I wondered often, after my disclosure
if it was his love for me, or his pity that held him there. I place[d] more belief in his
character as a man, than in my loveability as a woman. So, I suppose I still struggle
a bit with this. I do fear, if he were no longer a part of my life, that no one would
love me as he has.
7) Drive others away: No. I don't make attempts at new relationships in my life. I find
'reasons' not to engage new friendships. I withdraw before driving them away is necessary
8) Deliberate Provocation: Not so much now. I used to 'test' friendships and relationships.
Or, if I found a friend in a lie, I believed fully it was because of me, not just that they
lied for their own reasons. I tested others, and if they acted predictably, it wasn't
their fault, it was mine. I owned every other persons bad choice. Not so anymore.
9) Apologies for ME: Yes, I do that. It's like to admit I am falable, before they decide so,
that makes it more acceptabe. I find my memory filled with these kinds of comments
that were hurled at me[us] as children. I grew up with no good reason to. I was told
to honor my father, elders were right, children are seen and not heard, and on and on,
so, if you were taught to apogize for your exhistance, it's a difficult pattern to change,
but I'm learning.
SUMMARY: Negativity is a hindrance to recovery. And, If I had been raped as a girl who prized who she was, or was a happy person, perhaps being negative after the rape would have been less of a challenge.
But, rape didn't find me in an upper-middle class family with encouraging parents, and the love and acceptance of older siblings. No, rape found me in a much different place, as a much different person. I lacked the tools to fight the reactions and the person I became.
But, I am certain of one thing, RAPE FOUND ME, I , in no way, sought it out.
1) I do not openly degrade myself, but I think that way. I fear being perceived that way.
I fear rejection and I devalue my worth in the lives of others.
2) I have worked to a great extent on readjusting my concept that rape rotted me inside
and left me with nothing of value to share. Those thoughts have now become a quest
toward value that I can bring someone up from where I am, even if that means they
'step on my shoulders' and I hoist them to where I have not reached....yet.
3) "Hurt Me" on my forehead? Not anymore. I have moved away from that belief.
4) Criticism vs praise. I will admit that it is exceedingly difficult to accept praise. Criticism
has been the legacy left me by my father. When one lives it everyday, from a tiny
girl into adulthood, new lessons about my worth and ability are difficult to receive.
Can you imagine the first person in your life to EVER say you are intelligent is the
Psychiatrist treating you for the first time after eight years of hiding and lies. The
first time I ever heard "You are very intelligent, and bright", I was 20 years old.
I usually think the kindness of positive words are a ploy to make the reality of the
criticism more palatable.
5) Behavior inviting rejection. Always when I was younger. I believe I have matured
through this now.
6) Others loving me now: Hmmm. It has taken me 34 years + to accept the love of a
man who stands beside me as my husband. I wondered often, after my disclosure
if it was his love for me, or his pity that held him there. I place[d] more belief in his
character as a man, than in my loveability as a woman. So, I suppose I still struggle
a bit with this. I do fear, if he were no longer a part of my life, that no one would
love me as he has.
7) Drive others away: No. I don't make attempts at new relationships in my life. I find
'reasons' not to engage new friendships. I withdraw before driving them away is necessary
8) Deliberate Provocation: Not so much now. I used to 'test' friendships and relationships.
Or, if I found a friend in a lie, I believed fully it was because of me, not just that they
lied for their own reasons. I tested others, and if they acted predictably, it wasn't
their fault, it was mine. I owned every other persons bad choice. Not so anymore.
9) Apologies for ME: Yes, I do that. It's like to admit I am falable, before they decide so,
that makes it more acceptabe. I find my memory filled with these kinds of comments
that were hurled at me[us] as children. I grew up with no good reason to. I was told
to honor my father, elders were right, children are seen and not heard, and on and on,
so, if you were taught to apogize for your exhistance, it's a difficult pattern to change,
but I'm learning.
SUMMARY: Negativity is a hindrance to recovery. And, If I had been raped as a girl who prized who she was, or was a happy person, perhaps being negative after the rape would have been less of a challenge.
But, rape didn't find me in an upper-middle class family with encouraging parents, and the love and acceptance of older siblings. No, rape found me in a much different place, as a much different person. I lacked the tools to fight the reactions and the person I became.
But, I am certain of one thing, RAPE FOUND ME, I , in no way, sought it out.
#1. I do the same thing. I've struggled with insecurity all my life, and I am amazed when someone tells me how important I am to them. I find myself worried that I will "mess it up." As a result, I've learned to let others be my eyes and ears, rather than over-controlling situations out of fear of rejection.
#4. Me too. I can feel proud of myself, but when I am praised I get nervous. My self-talk follows the script that I'm not man enough, I'm not good looking, I was never popular with girls growing up (except in the dreaded role of the guy they would confide in; a great career, but a lousy adolescence). I tend to tell stories that emphasize dramatic moments, which can sound narcissistic when it's actually insecurity. I can see the brilliance in others, but even when someone says they see it in me I always doubt it'll be enough to keep them interested in me.
#5. I don't do this anymore. When I was a punk, I sure did. Now, I strive to be reputable and taken seriously. A young (former) patient's mother told me on Friday that she sees me as an adolescent in a man's body, and it stung BAD. And I smiled as she said it.
#6. Not in my intimate relationships anymore. I used to be afraid Tonya would leave me because there were so many "better guys" out there and she is hot. I'm not worried about that anymore. But I do fear the losses of friendships. I feel invisible and taken for granted when I am left out.
#8. I am working on this, too. When a friend doesn't call for a long time, or they leave me out of plans, I internalize it far too much and wonder what I'm doing wrong to drive them away. I have traced that back to a time when I was a teen and my best friend made plans with me for Friday night so we could spend one last night cruising together before we each left for college. I had grown up with him since second grade. I waited and waited, and he never came. I called his mom and found out he had gone camping with his other friends instead, and simply stood me up and never told me. I was crushed. "Denis Sucks!" I screamed. I never saw him again; he was killed by a drunk driver and that was my last almost-time with him. I've never cried over it in 19 years. As a result, my subconscious gets very terrified when I am neglected, stood up, or left out to this day. I go back to that fear that my loved one is choosing something over me, and that the loss of friendship might be uncorrectable.
#9. Sometimes. I have learned to draw tougher boundaries, and I have a rule as a therapist: I will work my ass off for you, but I won't work harder than you do. I don't chase patients down when they stand me up, which pulls me to bits against my intense fear from #8. Women constantly compliment me that I "saved their lives" or "mean so much" to them, and I get really uncomfortable about it, and deny the praise. Part of it is that I want them to see their victory within, not from me. Part of it is that I don't know what to do with that, since I was never the focus of ANY female admiration or attention growing up, and I convinced myself I wasn't worthy of it.
Summary: I grew up insecure about myself, partly due to losses and exclusions that hurt me. I am more proud of myself today, but I also internalize the feeling of rejection when a loved one or friend slights or neglect me. I don't crave attention, but I do crave consideration and belonging (remember my intense struggle with the "tribe" concept, and my fear of being so close, yet still excluded, from this community? Case in point! I just realized that!).
#1. Yes I do this as well. I fear rejection and someone being upset with me as well. For the past 2 days I've isolated and cried in my 15 yr olds arms because my husband has been irritable. I'm afraid that he's mad at me, so I stay away from him. I percieve a lot of people as telling me I matter just to try to make me feel better, but I usually find a way to refute their compliments in the back of my mind. I'm learning to accept compliments, but only in certain areas, such as a work environment where they are usually tangible. The ones that are not as tangible are more difficult, and I still seek approval for almost everything. I grew up where compliments were rarely given, and now I find it hard to accept my dad telling me I'm doing a good job when he spent 20+ years saying otherwise.
#4 I find it hard to accept compliments/praise, and would rather find a flaw in them than accept them. I grew up with parents that fought, became the translator between a father who talked in engineering type terms and a mother who didn't understand fully what he was trying to say, especially when it became technical. I spent years hearing "Why did you get the C" when I would bring home a report card with 2 A's, 3 B's and the one C in my worst subject, math. It didn't matter that I excelled in other areas, just that I didn't do as well as my dad expected in math.
I fear messing up too, being a failure. My last try at college, before this time around, was a failure, I couldn't make it through the practicum, even though I did well in the course work. I knew the material, but the execution of it all wasn't up to par. I never graduated, and wasn't able to find a job. Each interview was more depressing than the one before. My father, who never really supported my endeavors, kept telling me "not to let it get [me] down." It's kind of hard to keep your head up and keep going when all you find is failure.
I graduated with honors in the field I chose to return to, but am still afraid of failing, failing to answer interview questions the way the interviewers are looking for, failing to get a job, or even an interview, and the disappointment of "We've found another candidate who more closely matches our needs." I know I'm good at what I do, I've been in the field before and have a proven track record, but I still fear failure even with my confidence. There's always the anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to fall.
I find that I have a hard time accepting praise, most of the time I accept it, but with the additional thought of , "yeah, right, if they only knew." It's rare that I honestly accept praise for what it is, a "good job" with a pat on the back. I prefer to be in the shadows and try to get the praise to be given to someone else.
#6 I don't fear losing my husband, either, however I am reserved when it comes to friendships. My normal is to be on the outside looking in, with most of my friends being online where emotions can be flat, and words mean only what they say on the screen, nothing more and nothing less. I've also moved around so much as a kid that friendships were no longer sought out, and the only guarantee, the only stable thing, was school. I tried to commit suicide at the age of 15, 6 mos before my rapes. My parents came to get me, and as soon as we were out of earshot of the police liaison's office my father turned and asked "Do we really need counseling for this?" My automated response, "no." Screaming inside my head was "What the hell do you think!!!!!!" That's when I learned that I didn't matter much, so friendships definitely weren't worth making. I have no reason to go to a high school reunion, I don't know anyone there.
#7 I don't drive friendships away, I just stay on the sidelines and observe, wishing I was in the circle, but terrified of rejection, so "content" enough to stay on the outside, sometimes in the woodwork. If a friendship is going to arise, it's usually because someone else initiated it.
#8 I do this too. If something doesn't come through the way it's supposed to, I blame myself. No matter what it is, if it doesn't happen or goes wrong, it's my fault. I've isolated and avoided my husband for 2 days b/c he's irritable, and I'm afraid it's my fault, that he's mad at me for some reason. I don't do it so much outside of family, simply because I have no friends to worry about. The only other thing that I actually blame myself for is the way my oldest is. She has cognitive delays and deficits, enough for her to qualify for SSI. During my first trimester I drove a 4x4 diesel forklist that could carry 2 tons of payload. This this wasn't quiet, and definitely wasn't a smooth ride, but I loved it, and the motor pool did everything they could to keep it running, even cannibalizing the other identical forklift. I blame myself at times because maybe if I wasn't driving that forklift every day for the majority of the day, she wouldn't be the way she is today. I also blame myself for the babysitter who would let her cry for hours during naptime when she wasn't tired.
#9 I never really apologize for being me, or for what I do, I just consider every mistake as more evidence that I'm a failure, that I can't do anything right. I slither away and hide in the woodwork, then see who will come looking for me. If they find me, I will go with them back to the group, but only as an outside observer, not as an active participant. Something that I grew up with, "Children are seen, not heard" and we were part of a status symbol for my dad. He had this perfect family, something that we came nowhere near to being. I had to be in the shadow of my brother, the only male in my generation on my dad's side. I was not allowed to do certain things because it was assumed I would do something wrong or stupid. Why, then, would I want to be in a group as an insider instead of the more comfortable world of the outer fringes of the partcullar society.
My summary: I still have big problems accepting that I am worth praise, I would rather find a reason, any reason, why I shouldn't recieve it. I still have the insecurities of waiting for something to go wrong, because it seems like they do inevitably. I have hard times creating, or accepting friendship that requires face-to-face interaction, I would rather be the reserved, quiet loner type, even though I desperately want friends, and even need friends. I fear rejection and failure when it comes to making friends, so I can count them on 3 fingers, pretty much, at least the ones I see in flesh.
#1 I can always downplay whatever I do. I am petrified of being rejected. I feel that people want me or something is the matter of me. I am afraid that groups or friends will not want me. I get nervous when I get to close to people and they do not call me back. I try to talk myself down and realize that is not true. Sometimes, it gets the better of me, especially if I am in a bad place myself. I am surprised when people think that I do a great job. I often deflect to others and truly can't believe that people are saying about me. I do know that I have certain strengths and capabilities. I often attribute that I was not that smart but I studied hard. In some areas, I am making a little progress in realizing that I am a good math teacher. I am afraid that I will mess things up and people will be angry with me.
#2 I used to feel soiled and that I was rotten and bad to the core. I am a bit less of that now. At times, I can feel that though. This is progress for me.
#3 Hurt me. I prefer to be in control which can be an issue.
#4 I am in this in spades. I am shocked when anyone tells me that I do a great job. I get very uncomfortable and often deflect. I prefer to credit others and not take the credit myself. This has been a them throughout my life. When I had my first performance review, I started to cry because it was excellent. My boss did not know what to do with that. I was told that no one would like me when I went to college and things like that. I looked for feedback in my grades. Even then, I looked at those that I am not that smart, but studied hard. I fear messing up, too.
#6 - I question why people would love me. I am still surprised that husband loves me as he does. I know that he does. I feel horrible for bringing this mess into his life. I feel that I am unlovable. I was often not spoken to at home by all, no real affection and hated by my mother. I know that my kids love me. I know that my husband loves me and will not leave me. I am worried that friends will find out what I am really like that they won't want me. I try to keep friendships at an arm's distance. I have many "friends", but not very deep. I am trying to connect a bit more. I have a new friend in town that I can call up and I am trying to open up to her. I pretty much suck at this last part. It is hard for me to do and to know how to do it. I am terrified of being dumped and hurt. I know that there is more to be gained by opening up and taking the risk. I just need to figure out the right way.
#7 I tend be more on the sidelines and I am surprised when I get invited to some parties or new places with people. I will be honest that I am always in fear that I will do something that will end a friendship.
#8 I get nervous when I don't hear back from people. I often can talk myself down from this. However, if I am in a bad place this can spiral out of control. I feel like I did something wrong or messed everything up. I feel like it is my fault. I will say that in my childhood and adult life my parents would stop talking to me and cease the relationship as an adult. I felt that I did something wrong. As a kid, I was told that I did something wrong. I fear that people will not like me. I know that this is irrational thinking. This is something that I need to work on.
#9 Apologizes for me. This is mine - 100%. I am always apologizing and saying sorry even when it was not my fault. I had to apologize everything to my mother whether I was right or wrong. I had to do that to end the no talking or prevent cessation of my adult relationship. I did less of that as an adult. In general, I am always sorry. I have seen my son pick up on this a bit. I tell him that he has no reason to be sorry. I have seen that sorry can also loose its meaning. I need a lot of work on this one.
Summary: I have fear that people will reject me. I feel unworthy of praise and that it is due to other "circumstances". I am afraid to get too close to people and when I do, I feel rejections that may not be true. I fear that I will mess it up and that it is my fault. I need to work on opening up and taking a risk that I won't be rejected.
self-esteem and connected issues seem to be such a HUGE area for us...
Matt, I'm curious if any of your answers have changed in the last 4 years?
Mbird53, I'm glad you dug this out of the mothballs, it is a very sobering exercise. To see what I normally do, how I think about things, in writing, makes me realize, again, how messed up my thinking and ingrained behaviors are. I'm not saying "messed up" in a bad way, it's just the only way I can describe it.
#1 I have never ever said aloud what I think about myself if it is bad..well, to be honest I rarely like to voice a good opinion of myself either.
If you knew the things I thoughts about myself you would either weep or think I was disturbed - neither response I think I could handle.
It has taken me a very long time to even think I could possibly be on the same level as other people. I have always been lower; much lower. I kind of had women on a pedastal. I could never reach their heights. Whereas men I could relate to via sex even if I was always the lesser being. It hurts to admit how I truly see myself..I'm not sure if my tears are tears of sadness knowing it shouldn't be like that or tears of pain because it is true. Maybe both.
I don't so much fear rejection as I expect it. Probably more so now than I used to. I feel like people will tire of me or realise I have nothing to offer.
#2 I try really hard not to feel like I was born bad or that my purpose is abuse. It slips through sometimes; that self hatred. When my family rejects me or a bad memory surfaces...I really have to fight those thoughts.
#3 Hurt me.. I have moved away from just placing myself in rape-like situations because I felt it was all I was worth. Now it is less easy to spot when I let people control me or take advantage. I often sacrifice myself for a purpose...or those people make me feel like I am sacrificing myself and my well being.
#4 criticism vs praise. At 18 I learnt how to say thank you to a compliment because I kept being told I was attention seeking for being truthful about not believing the compliment or deflecting it. I don't think I ever truly accept a compliment though. Criticism, however, is taken on as a gospel truth.
#6 I can't really get to grips with love being unconditional. It sounds stupid to say but sometimes I worry my partner will leave me because I don't wash the dishes enough or get out of my pyjamas enough. I worry that my issues are too much for him or that one day he will realise he is worth more than what I give him. I fear being needy even though I have witnessed how easily his face expresses love when I show vulnerability to him and allow him to "rescue" me with hugs.
Here is this man, that isnt perfect by any means but wholesome and untarnished. I felt like I am poisoning him with my past and my pain
It is even harder to navigate friendships when I still hold this belief of it being conditional. Though hardly surprising when I have had a solid 6 months of "you're doing this wrong. You're such a bad friend". It's difficult not to feel frozen. I want to reach out more to all my friends but I am scared of doing it wrong and ruining what I have...knowing full well lack of communication can kill a friendship too.
#7 I am not sure I ever drove people away. I just isolated myself so much that people tended to drift away until I was ready to come back.
I don't particularly worry about being left out. I grew up being the third wheel - sometimes that worked well for me because it stopped jealousies when I flitted around the group but it meant I never had that super close friendship. That was until I was older and learnt that best friends is not all it is cracked up to be...especially if youre not allowed to see other friends without your best friend being there..otherwise you're "obviously" talking about them behind their back
#9I try not to apologise for myself any more...but then I spend an ENORMOUS amount of energy making sure my emotions, body language and words are never going to need apologising for. Is this mood acceptable? Is this thought okay? If I am not sure of either I try to be invisible..almost apologetic for my entire existence.
Having said that, I do say I'm sorry a lot during the day. Must be "i'm sorry...because I am a survivor" thing
Summary: I have a lot of fears about being accepted and have come to accept rejection as a part of my life. I am proud of myself for some things but not in a solid enough way to ever admit the things I am proud of to someone.
I want to belong more than I would care to admit to myself (probably through fear of finding out i don't) but I don't crave attention. I am just as happy in my own company as I am with others. Though I probably spend a bit too much time at home not speaking to anyone if I find it alien to be in human contact - i don't know how ot small talk any more.
#1 - For the most part I am confident in my abilities, my intelligence, within myself. My experience in working with people or in friendships is that people are judgmental and put you down. They make snide comments and take little jabs at you. I find people incredibly cruel and heartless, almost without exception. I know only a handful of people who are truly kind.
I am triggered anytime I sense that I'm being rejected or criticised. I know that one comes from my parents criticising me and then whacking me across the head and telling me how stupid I was. Every time I am thrown into that fearful, frozen state in the present day, it's a reminder to me that people are cruel and hurtful. I don't expect it, but since this intense triggering happens to me almost daily I am finding myself wanting to retreat from the world more and more. I am always wondering "How could they say that? That was so cruel". I often chastise myself for being too sensitive.
This is a constant source of contemplation for me. Am I too sensitive or are people really cruel? Totally too funny when my therapist confirmed to me recently that people hurt each other, that's life.
#2 - I am a worthy person. So often in therapy I feel like my therapist is telling me I'm unworthy. It makes me want to scream. I feel like I'm having to prove my worth. Okay that's confusing - I know I'm worthy, but still have to prove it when people make me feel worthless by their words and actions. That's why I'm so angry when my first therapist sent me out the door without a crisis line or any preparation for what was going to happen to me. I was worthy of help, deserved help, and shouldn't have just been thrown back out into my life without a safety net to catch me.
#3 - My forehead says "Don't f*ck with me". I'm more apt to speak up now when people hurt my feelings. I've reached a comfortableness, or maybe I don't care anymore, I'm fed up with mean people.
#4 - I have trouble accepting praise because it means I'm being drawn out and being "noticed". It's a trigger for me and sends me into a state of fear and I'm often too frozen to have any thought processes when people are complementing me. On the other hand I like my achievements to be recognized, it's almost a craving, for someone to say, "You did good".
#5 - I don't behave in ways to get people to reject me. Quite the opposite. I always go out of my way to "stroke" people and please them so they don't hurt me. I present myself as likeable, charming and put people at ease. I never disagree with people and I always let them talk about themselves. It's not hard to do. For instance if I go out for lunch with a friend, they rarely notice that I talk for less than 3 or 4 minutes in the entire hour. I spend all my time listening to people - should have been a therapist….lol. I honestly don't think people even notice that they know nothing about me.
#6 - Do I tell myself nobody can love me now? I would prefer if no one loved me, then I wouldn't feel so obligated to make those who love me, happy.
#7 - Do I warn people that I am no good and they should abandon me? Quite the opposite since I fear abandonment. I make sure I behave in a way that people will like me and be drawn to me. It's part of my protection to keep myself from being hurt by abandonment.
#8 - I can remember really pushing my husband early in our marriage to test his love for me and whether he would stay. He passed the test. That's the only time I've really pushed someone.
#9 - No, I don't make comments like "you would be better off without me", since that seems to be seeking pity and I would never show any weakness. I prefer to keep my wish that I would go to bed one night and never wake up, to myself. On the occasion that I spoke of my suicide attempts no one asked "what can I do to help you?", so it's not necessary to tell people they'd be better off without me, because they don't really care anyway. They are too wrapped up in themselves.
Summary: I'm intensely afraid of people, of sharing anything about myself. The world is about other people, their feelings, and their happiness. I have to make other people happy and feel good about themselves so I don't get hurt by them. I was put on this earth to make other people happy. No one sees how difficult it is for me just to go out into the big scary world everyday. No one cares about me or my feelings. I am re-traumatized so often that I don't know how to speak of my terror of people. I have to keep moving through the frozenness, fear and terror every day and keep going…..no matter what.
It is clearly something to work on. Those are not people for sure. So, when I got a bad grade, it was a reflection on who I was. When I got good grades, it would be because that I am not that smart but studied hard.
I know that this needs to come from within.