Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Dear James,
Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life. What I want you to know about it is that you are not to blame for what happens. The rape cannot be prevented - it happens.
What starts out as a night out with a friend will end with you being drugged and raped at the hands of a pregnant acquaintance. You will suppress the event for 18 years. When it resurfaces periodically, you will brush it off as a strange event and nothing more. You are not ready to deal with this life altering experience.
Please understand that you are not ready to embrace and accept the facts. You will bury them deep and fast. You will lie to yourself. You will do whatever she expects. You will do this to survive. This does not mean you like it. This does not mean you wanted it.
This does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are not a real man. You will maintain an erection and your body will betray you. Please do not forget that this does not mean you wanted it. This does not make it consensual sex. Rape is not sex. Rape is about domination, control and humiliation.
She will drug you. She will manipulate you. She will play on your natural tendency to protect the weak and vulnerable in order to get you alone and unconscious. She will target you personally from the beginning. And then she will rape you without remorse repeatedly.
She will humiliate you, dominate you and control you for about 10 hours. Then, she will expect a ride home where you will be required to act as her lover for several more hours. You will be forced to snuggle with your rapist on her couch for hours. You will be in shock and you will do whatever she tells you to do. This is not your fault. You are not to blame for her manipulation and sexual violence. Please understand this. It will haunt you later when you remember that you didn't leave right away. Do not forget the shock. Do not forget the manipulation. Do not forget her threats. This is how she controlled you. This is how she raped you.
You will later remember that she was an experienced dominatrix. She will even show you her collection of restraints and other "toys." Don't be hard on yourself. She knows how to dominate a person and she enjoys it. You are not weak. You will have been targeted by someone experienced in manipulation and domination. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. Don't forget that.
The episode on the couch and the meal you share are meant to confuse you into thinking the sexual contact earlier was not rape. What she will do to you is rape. It is ugly and it is evil. You will have many blocks of time missing that have yet to come back even as I write this letter to you. You may find out later that you were raped again at her home. Process these memories if they return. Do not blame yourself.
Do not let her pregnancy or her gender deter you from believing it was rape. There will be many men and disgustingly, just as many women who will shame you when first break the silence and tell your story 18 years from now. This will hurt so much you cannot imagine. You will cry. You will be scared. You will want to curl up in a ball and waste away. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. They are weak, immature, ignorant and in some cases, just plain mean and worthless individuals. They do not matter and they provide nothing of significance to your life. Please remember that the truth does not change just because some people enthusiastically embrace ignorance or are so immature that they should not be allowed access to a keyboard.
When the memories return, you will feel overwhelmed. You will feel dirty and weak. You will be in shock. You will cry spontaneously one minute and want to put your first through the wall the next. You will be scared of women you don't know. You will get triggered by pregnant women. As time goes on, you will find your triggers multiplying and becoming more intense. This is normal. Please remember that your mind protected you until you were in a position to handle the truth. Now, you will have to do some hard work if you want to regain your life and take back the power she stole from you all those years ago.
You will survive this. You will begin to heal from it starting in May 2008. You will have severe panic attacks for a long time. You will suffer from very painful muscle tension even when you are not panicked. You will sleep 2 hours a night for months. Your wife, who is also a rape survivor, will not be of much assistance and will even use your rape, therapy and medications against you in arguments so you are going to have to build your own support network outside of the home. You will have friends at your job who care about you and will be there for you. Your friend in Atlanta will be an incredible resource to you. She will counsel you and let you cry with her by cell phone. She will help you kickstart your healing. And she will teach you that you need to be patient with yourself.
You will join several online communities for rape survivors and make very quick friends with other survivors. The bonds you form with many of these women will be very strong and you will soon exchange email addresses and phone numbers with a dozen of them. They will be there for you on your worst days and you will find that you can be there for them as well. They are your friends now and they want to help you. Trust them.
You will seek assistance through the local rape crisis center where you will meet Erin. She is wonderful and will help you find some clarity during the hurricane of emotions you will endure. She will barely be able to restrain her own emotions during some of your sessions. You will notice this and it will touch you more than you can express in words. She will help you understand that you are stronger than you know.
You will find that after you speak out publicly then several rape survivors will contact you and thank you for your bravery. You won't feel brave. You will feel sick inside. You aren't sick. You will be wounded, but you can heal. And together, we will heal.
So please remember that this won't be your fault, regardless of what the disgusting rape apologists tell you. You won't deserve it. And you will heal, but it will talk a lot of work and sometimes very bold steps.
Be patient with yourself when the time comes. You will have a lot of work to do, but you can do it.
Love, you at 38.
Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life. What I want you to know about it is that you are not to blame for what happens. The rape cannot be prevented - it happens.
What starts out as a night out with a friend will end with you being drugged and raped at the hands of a pregnant acquaintance. You will suppress the event for 18 years. When it resurfaces periodically, you will brush it off as a strange event and nothing more. You are not ready to deal with this life altering experience.
Please understand that you are not ready to embrace and accept the facts. You will bury them deep and fast. You will lie to yourself. You will do whatever she expects. You will do this to survive. This does not mean you like it. This does not mean you wanted it.
This does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are not a real man. You will maintain an erection and your body will betray you. Please do not forget that this does not mean you wanted it. This does not make it consensual sex. Rape is not sex. Rape is about domination, control and humiliation.
She will drug you. She will manipulate you. She will play on your natural tendency to protect the weak and vulnerable in order to get you alone and unconscious. She will target you personally from the beginning. And then she will rape you without remorse repeatedly.
She will humiliate you, dominate you and control you for about 10 hours. Then, she will expect a ride home where you will be required to act as her lover for several more hours. You will be forced to snuggle with your rapist on her couch for hours. You will be in shock and you will do whatever she tells you to do. This is not your fault. You are not to blame for her manipulation and sexual violence. Please understand this. It will haunt you later when you remember that you didn't leave right away. Do not forget the shock. Do not forget the manipulation. Do not forget her threats. This is how she controlled you. This is how she raped you.
You will later remember that she was an experienced dominatrix. She will even show you her collection of restraints and other "toys." Don't be hard on yourself. She knows how to dominate a person and she enjoys it. You are not weak. You will have been targeted by someone experienced in manipulation and domination. YOU ARE NOT WEAK. Don't forget that.
The episode on the couch and the meal you share are meant to confuse you into thinking the sexual contact earlier was not rape. What she will do to you is rape. It is ugly and it is evil. You will have many blocks of time missing that have yet to come back even as I write this letter to you. You may find out later that you were raped again at her home. Process these memories if they return. Do not blame yourself.
Do not let her pregnancy or her gender deter you from believing it was rape. There will be many men and disgustingly, just as many women who will shame you when first break the silence and tell your story 18 years from now. This will hurt so much you cannot imagine. You will cry. You will be scared. You will want to curl up in a ball and waste away. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. They are weak, immature, ignorant and in some cases, just plain mean and worthless individuals. They do not matter and they provide nothing of significance to your life. Please remember that the truth does not change just because some people enthusiastically embrace ignorance or are so immature that they should not be allowed access to a keyboard.
When the memories return, you will feel overwhelmed. You will feel dirty and weak. You will be in shock. You will cry spontaneously one minute and want to put your first through the wall the next. You will be scared of women you don't know. You will get triggered by pregnant women. As time goes on, you will find your triggers multiplying and becoming more intense. This is normal. Please remember that your mind protected you until you were in a position to handle the truth. Now, you will have to do some hard work if you want to regain your life and take back the power she stole from you all those years ago.
You will survive this. You will begin to heal from it starting in May 2008. You will have severe panic attacks for a long time. You will suffer from very painful muscle tension even when you are not panicked. You will sleep 2 hours a night for months. Your wife, who is also a rape survivor, will not be of much assistance and will even use your rape, therapy and medications against you in arguments so you are going to have to build your own support network outside of the home. You will have friends at your job who care about you and will be there for you. Your friend in Atlanta will be an incredible resource to you. She will counsel you and let you cry with her by cell phone. She will help you kickstart your healing. And she will teach you that you need to be patient with yourself.
You will join several online communities for rape survivors and make very quick friends with other survivors. The bonds you form with many of these women will be very strong and you will soon exchange email addresses and phone numbers with a dozen of them. They will be there for you on your worst days and you will find that you can be there for them as well. They are your friends now and they want to help you. Trust them.
You will seek assistance through the local rape crisis center where you will meet Erin. She is wonderful and will help you find some clarity during the hurricane of emotions you will endure. She will barely be able to restrain her own emotions during some of your sessions. You will notice this and it will touch you more than you can express in words. She will help you understand that you are stronger than you know.
You will find that after you speak out publicly then several rape survivors will contact you and thank you for your bravery. You won't feel brave. You will feel sick inside. You aren't sick. You will be wounded, but you can heal. And together, we will heal.
So please remember that this won't be your fault, regardless of what the disgusting rape apologists tell you. You won't deserve it. And you will heal, but it will talk a lot of work and sometimes very bold steps.
Be patient with yourself when the time comes. You will have a lot of work to do, but you can do it.
Love, you at 38.
I said that to Joyce yesterday, and it is true for you as well. The people with whom you shared your pain, the ones who "enthusiastically embrace ignorance", you are right, they are of no significance and do not deserve your truth.
I have found, that the one who doesn't believe me, well she doesn't deserve my truth. Truth is the one thing that is unwavering in all of this mess. Our memories fade, wax and wane, and we push things very far down, but truth is always there waiting, on our side; our ally.
I love that you attack all the negatives, and counter them with positives, the you yet-to-be has nothing to fear, because the you that you already are is borne of some strong stuff! Way to go James! Thanks for posting this....now, tell me it feels good to go back and read how much you believe in yourself.
Thank you for supporting me.
I hope you get that grieving cry and that it's a cleansing one.