Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
This is a post from my journal, edited for public viewing.
This evening (Thursday, January 8), I met with anti-domestic violence activist, theatre major, and rape survivor (name edited out). We met previously as co-panelists at the domestic violence and sexual assault discussion at Howard University and then connected at Facebook.
She interviewed me by camera for her abuse related webpage (under construction) at MySpace. We chatted briefly about my life and activities at first. Then, we got to it. The rape. The aftermath. The sexual self-abuse. My sudden awakening in May 2008. Therapy. Coping. Living.
She teared up while we chatted. I did as well, although I was able to fight it off until the end of the interview. She held my hand while I calmed myself down at the end of the interview. It was a comforting gesture and I really appreciated it.
Overall, I think it went well and I'm glad I consented to it. It should be up on her MySpace page in a few weeks. I'll post the link when it is ready.
After the interview, she mentioned how she tried not to cry when I told my story at Howard that night and was able to keep her composure until she got home. I had no idea my decision to speak that night would have had that impact. She told me I was incredibly brave. I've never really gotten why I keep hearing that - speaking out just made sense to me. I get to release this shameful secret and deny my rapist the silence she has had from me for the last 18 years. She mentioned that she talked to several male survivors of domestic violence and rape and none of them would agree to speak publicly as the shame factor and public mockery directed toward males who've been victimized by females is so high. When I first spoke out on the internet, I didn't know how I'd survive the first week of those disgusting animals mocking me. I got over the shame and now I'm just pissed. I'll get over that too - I guess it comes in stages.
I'm a little triggered, but I think I took back some of my power tonight.
Thank you (named edited out), for caring enough to cry for a total stranger that night and thank you for being my new friend.
This evening (Thursday, January 8), I met with anti-domestic violence activist, theatre major, and rape survivor (name edited out). We met previously as co-panelists at the domestic violence and sexual assault discussion at Howard University and then connected at Facebook.
She interviewed me by camera for her abuse related webpage (under construction) at MySpace. We chatted briefly about my life and activities at first. Then, we got to it. The rape. The aftermath. The sexual self-abuse. My sudden awakening in May 2008. Therapy. Coping. Living.
She teared up while we chatted. I did as well, although I was able to fight it off until the end of the interview. She held my hand while I calmed myself down at the end of the interview. It was a comforting gesture and I really appreciated it.
Overall, I think it went well and I'm glad I consented to it. It should be up on her MySpace page in a few weeks. I'll post the link when it is ready.
After the interview, she mentioned how she tried not to cry when I told my story at Howard that night and was able to keep her composure until she got home. I had no idea my decision to speak that night would have had that impact. She told me I was incredibly brave. I've never really gotten why I keep hearing that - speaking out just made sense to me. I get to release this shameful secret and deny my rapist the silence she has had from me for the last 18 years. She mentioned that she talked to several male survivors of domestic violence and rape and none of them would agree to speak publicly as the shame factor and public mockery directed toward males who've been victimized by females is so high. When I first spoke out on the internet, I didn't know how I'd survive the first week of those disgusting animals mocking me. I got over the shame and now I'm just pissed. I'll get over that too - I guess it comes in stages.
I'm a little triggered, but I think I took back some of my power tonight.
Thank you (named edited out), for caring enough to cry for a total stranger that night and thank you for being my new friend.
I just want to scream at her right now. I want to let her know how badly she messed up my life. I want to her to know that just because I didn't fight back then, that doesn't mean that she won. I want her to know that despite how I feel right now, she does not get to own me forever.
If I can just stop shaking...
It sounds as though you've taken a major step, so I hope this bad reaction turns out to be just a temporary setback in response to that.
I've read multiple times that a nose dive is pretty sure to follow a big step, so I'm hoping that you're just in the normal down spin for a little bit, but that it's not going to hold you for long.
Hang in there!
I can also relate to sharing my story and then having the worst night of my life! Refer to the section in the RAR book that's entitled.."why do my worst nights follow my best days"..(I'm paraphrasing) but its something like that! It really helps :) hugs!!