That's a great idea! My A really hurt my H and I admit, I have not been very good at verbally admitting what I've done and apologizing the way he deserves. I always did better writing things down than saying them. IMO, though, I would not send one to the OW. Your forgiveness should start and end only with your H.

I agree vacationbaby and here is the reasoning I gave in another group:

I would never send a letter of forgiveness to the OW. I believe that forgiveness is a gift that is earned and not something that is just bestowed upon a person who wronged you without acknowledgment and remorse for that wrong. I have forgiven my H because he acknowledged the wrong, took responsibility, and asked for my forgiveness. The OW has never done that and it is likely that she never will. She is a stubborn, arrogant, woman who thinks she knows better than everyone else and is in a position to show everyone else the right way to live their life. She believes she did nothing wrong, feels no remorse for what happened, and therefore has nothing to apologize or be sorry for. I have accepted what she did, but I will never forgive her if she continues to view what she did in the same way

I have thought about this one a lot. The OW was a close friend and family member. If I do not forgive her it will make things tough on future family gatherings, and in my relationship with my whole Christian family who hopes I will be able to forgive. I wrote her a letter for my own process. It turned out to be a difficult thing to do without putting in some angry stuff about how she hurt my family too.. anyway, I have not sent it. will likely revise it or just keep it in my journal. still deciding. here's the thing- she has been told by family members to write an apology letter and got defensive when asked saying " what? did you think I wasn't going to do that already?" and after more than 3 months, nada. Now if I get an apology letter I am worried she will expect a simple ok, I forgive you back when I really want to write her a 'how you hurt me and mine' letter. If I never get it out, like I have with my H, will it explode at a family gathering someday when she says some trigger remark or simply starts flirting with my H in any way??
I do think forgiveness is a gift as well. If you choose to take a high road and forgive in a letter the OW regardless of her actions, let me know how it goes.

wow that apology letter was amazing - thanks for sharing it!! Im no where near forgiving my H yet but when Im ready maybe a letter would be a good idea.

Thanks for the letter...it was great.

I agree that NOTHING should be sent to the OW.

Concerning your apology to husband, I have mixed feelings about it. If the betrayer isn't working their ass off to discover how they did this.......and be completely transparant and remorseful....they are likely to repeat it.

Ltr of Forgiveness that I crafted for the OW - haven't sent it yet, but thinking about it, and really want to - I will preface it by saying that a few weeks ago, I stopped by her office (she works w/H) - I paused in the doorway, she looked at me and asked "can I help you" to which I responded, "I just wanted to see what you looked like" and then I walked away...

Dear (OW):
I sit here today writing this not to attack you, but to do something for myself â something that I need in order to put all of this behind me.
First of all, I want to apologize for stopping by your office the other day unannounced. I would be lying if I said it was not my intent to make you feel uncomfortable. In fact, what I really wanted to do was make you feel as vulnerable as I have felt over the last few months. In addition, I also wanted to get a good look at, what I perceived at the time (distorted as it was), as âmy competitionâ. It came weeks after discovery of the most devastating information that I have ever received in my life. Unless you have been there (and maybe you have) you couldnât possibly understand.
You see what I have been struggling with most, was the fact that decisions were made that could have destroyed my family. I was excluded from participating in making these decisions. For that , I have been resentful. In fact, little or no thought, was given to the potential impact that yours and (My Husband)'s actions would have had should your âsecretâ be exposed. You know, it wasnât just a betrayal of me; it was also a betrayal of my entire family â (my daughter) (16), (my step-son) (15) and (our son)(7). It remains to be seen what lasting affect it will have on our children.
I will not go into the details of how this event has played out over the last 10 weeks, but I assure you it is nothing that I would wish on you or anyone else for that matter. It is, however, important for me to tell you that I have forgiven you, and most importantly, (my husband), for what has happened.
I love (my husband) with all of my heart and he loves me. In fact, this whole revelation has brought us closer together. While I do not know you that well, my hope is that you too have found that kind of love with your husband, (her husband). Since you and (my Husband)will continue to work together, there will no doubt be times that our paths will cross. I want you to know that I hold no animosity towards you and hope that you hold none against me.
I am sincere when I say, I wish you the best.
Regards,


Tulla: I intend to be the one that handles this with "class". Often times, people are defined by how they handle adversity. I'm doing this for me. I would imagine that since your's is so interconnected with your family, your family members would greatly admire your strength and be amazed at your capacity to forgive. At the end of the day, you can hold your head high and be content with knowing that you did your part and have risen above this. To me, it gives me a sense of empowerment - this is something I have complete control over. Ever since D-Day, I have felt completely out of control. It's nice to feel like I am regaining some :-)

I don't think I should have to ask for it. If he is truly sorry, he will seek forgiveness on his own. If an apology is requested, then its value will be diminished.

I have not sent her the letters I have written, just waited. Then she sent me an apology letter via email this weekend. How was your forgiveness letter received? I am so torn about whether to give her a small dose of my reality esp. after she spent half her letter talking about her pain, her nightmares, her exhaustion.. expecting or hoping for my sympathy and compassion. It is staggering how much she is a primadonna victim at every turn. After hundreds of texts, including lucid photos of herself, she claimed she took no active part in it all, but was just manipulated into it. She did not clear any of her lies up in this letter or to my family who mainly heard her story and ran with it. I wanted her to take more accountability but what to do now? It is so tempting to tell her frankly and simply about my nightmares you know? If I do not take the high road, it may have dire consequences in the family if they decide I am not being nice enough. It is soooo hard. I am not part of a family that puts things under the rug and can let it grow horns and fur. I am part of a very communicative family. But also a very religious one. So I have so far written a response to her letter by copying it and responding to parts specifically in a different color font. I have edited it several times. I have read it to my H after the last revision. He kissed me and told me how much he loves me and I could see the respect and admiration in his eyes that I am the woman with class and dignity. But it is not all forgiving, just expressing my intention to forgive in time and like yours- that I believe forgiveness is not mine to withhold in the religious sense. Since she took so long, I am sure I have leeway to take my time revising my response too. part of taking the high road though in my mind is to not keep her waiting so long as she did me. I will keep working at my response. I may run it by my counselor or religious leader or the couple of ya-ya's that I've confided in to get their feedback too. I thought about telling them my low road responses to get them off my chest too. I am a very articulate woman and I know she is afraid of what I might send her in response. Every time she said she was sorry in the letter it was blanketed with protective excuses. I like how you kept your head on straight in your letter, explained to her how civilized you intend to be when bumping into each other, and that you did go ahead and tell her how much impact her choices may have on your children. The OW in my case knows my children very well and so that is hard to grapple with- that she did not stop it for the love of her children or mine. All of them could have lived in broken homes as a result and may still if things don't work out. She kept calling me a friend, a sister, and even told me how much she loves me and never dreamed she would hurt me in the letter. I am reeling at this. If you know of any other apology letters to look at or forgiveness letters to help me, do tell. If it turned out well to take the high road by her response, please tell that also. Needing motivation to keep on swimming through all this muck I did not create but cannot float over. Thoughts?

Just read some of the posts above. I did contact the ow and we both apologized. I ended up "befriending" her. But before everyone starts yelling omg...I didn't want her friendship. I wanted to know how this happen to all of us. I had most of the truth from my husband, but it wasn't enough for me. I got the rest out of "her". I would not recommend this to anyone Pretending to be a friend to her and put together the missing pieces of a long term affair nearly drove me crazy! I almost believed that she was sincere with her apology, but she wasn't. As of today, she is out of both of our lives. My last email to her was to tell her to never contact either of us ever again I learned that she was a pathological liar and a master manipulator. Be very careful if you contact her. Our contacting them gives them power---and that's a power they do not deserve. Just my two cents. :-)

I wished I could have read your entry earlier today. I contacted the OW today through email. I did it because I am tired of her trying to contact my husband,,,,I hate her.