My story may be similiar to yours in that, I was friends(so I thought) with the o/w. I am angry, that my H, could knowingly, betray me with someone we both knew. It makes things, so much more personal. I cared so much for this woman as a friend, I once called her a sister,but ultimately, she wanted my life. She hates her life so much. However, my H, took advantage of her advancements, which makes me disgusted with him as well. therein lies my anger...

I was angry for many months and days. My therapist said I was going through the stages of grieving. I never really hated the OW, I don't know her or what she looks like. I just hated my life at the time. I've moved on to deep sadness and now I am feeling somewhat better. My therapist said it is because I don't feel as "threatened" anymore. I do feel more able to focus on rebuilding than I did before. I find it easier to let the small stuff slide. For awhile H and I almost waited to pounce on any wrong move the other one did. Like not returning a phone call..stuff like that.

Misred, I get that, grieving the loss, of what you thought was your marriage, is tough. I'm not sure, if threatened, is what I feel now, as much as pure dissapointment, in my H's character! Does that make sense to any of you???

It makes sense. And I didn't feel threatened either. I guess he was trying to say I felt threatened as in not safe. My world was falling apart. Things were out of control

Shakin, yes I feel the same way you do also about the betrayal of someone we both knew. Over the years she got closer to me and threatened my H with stuff she would say if he ever confessed. That in itself is a long story. I am angered more with her for all of her lies. Yes, he did confess and yes, she did spin tons of lies to try and benefit herself for her situation. She hates her life also and wanted mine. That she will never have!!!!! Not even close, and I am disappointed in my H for falling prey to her, but he wasn't the only one, and yes, there is anger for that also.

The sex has become less and less important to me over time. For me it was the betrayal, the lies, the sneaking around, the being someone I don't know. He did turn my world upside down and caused me to have a break down. I care for the man and am still with him, but there has been a huge shift in my life and attitudes as a result of his betrayal. His actions changed me more than they have changed him and he is a totally different guy now. This has been life altering.

Woooh changed, you go girl! Only if the OW in your case could read that. That would make me feel awful if I were her. Good for you for putting it in perspective and trying to put it behind you.
I am angry about being angry! It has traumatized me, shaken me up, and changed me. Looking back, how the woman contacted me (through myspace), how she went about it, and how she talked so much trash makes me want to really hurt her. I hate that a huge part of me still hates my H. I don't want to be a violent, angry person. It stole some sort of innocence I had left, some sort of faith in my fellow man. I am angry about being angry. Huh, go figure.

Amazing Texy I was just thinking the same thing today. The sex was not really a big issue for me. Sex is just sex but the lies and the sneaking around behind my back and living a life with his family and me like everything was ok is the biggest part for me to get over. The part where he schemed with her against me showed me his real character and that is disappointing as we all know the character of another person who knowingly sleeps with someone else's husband because they weren't good enough to get a man of their own or whatever else excuse they put up. In the end I believe it is the incredible disappointment in my husband that I will never get over. He lowered himself to do this to our family. One day not long after I found out in one of my rages I patted him on the back and said congratulations, you f*&^ a whore and paid her with the love and respect of your wife and family. Way to go.Ooops sorry about the rage. I truly am in a better place than this.

Wasz, I think I had that same, uhh conversation, without the pat on the back. Rage still comes and goes, I think it unrealistic to expect more of us than that. The cheaters always get to say 'we're only human' well so are we, and we still can get angry, it just isn't as frequent, or as volatile. One of the best days since d-day was when I drank too much wine at the neighbors, and I went up to her front door! You should have seen her face, her 12 yr old daughter was sitting very close and she may have been afraid, of what I might say aloud. I just said, "how have you been?" she came outside and started to cry, I actually hugged her! can you believe that? Ha, She babbled on a bit about how they acted like stupid teenagers,(really, how many teens have, a mortgage, kids, 30 yrs invested) after that she said, "YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN I AM." That was priceless, to hear her say that, because I know her well enough, she probably regrets saying it now.She's always the victim... Oh well, to bad for her...

This is a great question...but hard for me to answer. I am angry about everything, but ultimately I am angry my H shared things with another person that should have been mine. Issues, time, money, moments, words, compliments, affection, his body...all things which should have been mine. Like many others, the sexual act does not bother me half has much as the things leading up to it and how long it took for there to be no contact after it.
I also find I am angry with myself. I know I should not be, but feel like a fool for not being more in tuned to what was going on with my husband.

I'm angry over the total disregard and lack of respect for our wedding vow's. I'm angry H could be so weak and selfish and so gullible as to bring this whore into our lives.

Prayers for us ALL!

Amen Dody

Alex, most of us, are guilty, as far as not being tuned in, I know I thought it was just a lul in the marriage, which has happened in the past 30 yrs. I didn't see, the back stabbing, or lies, so I can't take that guilt on. However, Our spouses chose to make a horrible mistake, now we have to be punished for it to. Our punishment comes in the form of, self esteem issues, anger, physical ailments, worry. etc... We didn't ask for this, it's just a byproduct of our spouses decision to go outside the marriage. The only Fools, are the cheaters...not us

Your right shaking...I know I should not take any responsibility for my husbands affair. But, I am upset that I allowed him to have a lap-top computer with a secret password to get onto it. I NEVER used his lap top! I didn't even know how to get on the stupid thing. And I allowed that. I never picked up his phone he got back in the summer of 2007. The first time I picked up his phone was 3 weeks after his disclosure and I found it also needed a secret password to even get on it to use. He never called her, but emailed her from his phone. Those are the things I am upset about. I know there shouldn't be secrets between a married couple. I should have seen it as a big RED FLAG, but the thought did not even cross my mind.
But, you are right...I will eventually let that go.

The disloyalty is what gets me.... I thought I had that...after so many years of marriage..his loyalty....and he did so many things during this long term affair that were disloyal...he was supposed to be the one person I could count on ...to watch my back....instead... he was too busy kissing up to a life long whore..truly a terrible person...a woman who was a serial cheater... and spent all her leisure time getting drunk and pursuing married men....while she herself was married..and had 3 kids....
she carried on affairs while she was pregnant...and just after her babies were born!!

and an example of my husband's lack of loyalty to me??? this skank had the nerve to show up at MY father's funeral.... she sat in the back of the church... I didn't know her... she never came up to me... I'm guessing she came to check me and the family out...and to screw with my husband's head.... meanwhile...my husband never said boo! to her afterward... didn't yell at her...nothing... he allowed her to invae our personal space.... during a painful time... and was too cowardly to stand up to her... to defend me....he was too worried about keeping his options open with her...
disloyalty,dishonesty, lies, a great disappointment... a feeling like I have wasted my life on this very flawed man...and that I did see it for years.....