Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
When triggers don't trigger!!!!
I mentioned in a previous post, that 2016 is going really well for me. Once I got past the holidays and 1 year anti-versary..... i felt a huge jolt of hope and optimism towards the future
it dawned on me, that when i do experience triggers, they are no where near as powerful as they used to be and I can dismiss them quickly.
The best news is, that I've realized that i've experience things in the present, that COULD have, or even SHOULD have been a huge trigger...and those past associations never even made it to my head. I only realized after the fact...and then id realize....son of a gun...that could or should have been a major trigger...but it wasn't...in fact, i was totally in the present moment, and did not associate anything in the present w the past.
one thing was my sons Polar Express Train he got for xmas. its in our living room. This morning , as i sat journaling and drinking my coffee, i noticed it, and thought, "what a cool train. looks just like the book and movie"...then a realized...heyyyyy ....The Polar Express could have been a trigger, as I had taken my kids to a train ride on a Polar Express ride in 2014, and turns out my wife used that day to rendezvous w one of the APs.
But that train.... all that i thought of was
That is a cool train!
The other trigger that wasn't a trigger was Mon morning. My wife leaves for work at 630 and gets up at 530 so I get up with her so we can have some time together. I was coming out of the kitchen w coffee, and ran into her as she was coming out of the bathroom after her morning shower. she had her panties on and a shirt that was unbuttoned, but covering herself. My thought was "wow. my wife is gorgeous and hot...and damn..THAT is a good look!" I joked with her about that. After she left for work, I realized..."holy crap...THAT should have been a MAJOR trigger", as the photo i found that let the cat out of the bag the morning of dday, was a photo of her from neck to waist, laying in another mans bed, in another mans shirt, covered the same way.... and when i finally got access to her email, there were other pics of her sent to other men dressed the same way....
so i thought
THIS IS AMAZING..... i simply existed in the PRESENT and enjoyed these moments...and even though there are load past associations with these....THOSE PAST ASSOCIATIONS DIDNT COME UP...they didn't intrude on my present. It wasn't until each moment had passed...that i even realized....That should have been really bad for me...and it wasn't !!!!!
Im so excited about this turn I've made...... so freeing....knowing...experiencing that the past's hold on me is falling away.... and i am able to exist in the present....and enjoy, accept and receive and believe the gift of now as it happens!
I
AM
BECOMING
I
AM
HEALING
I
AM
MOVING
ON
I
AM
LETTING
GO
and i love my wife
I love her very very very much these days
I mentioned in a previous post, that 2016 is going really well for me. Once I got past the holidays and 1 year anti-versary..... i felt a huge jolt of hope and optimism towards the future
it dawned on me, that when i do experience triggers, they are no where near as powerful as they used to be and I can dismiss them quickly.
The best news is, that I've realized that i've experience things in the present, that COULD have, or even SHOULD have been a huge trigger...and those past associations never even made it to my head. I only realized after the fact...and then id realize....son of a gun...that could or should have been a major trigger...but it wasn't...in fact, i was totally in the present moment, and did not associate anything in the present w the past.
one thing was my sons Polar Express Train he got for xmas. its in our living room. This morning , as i sat journaling and drinking my coffee, i noticed it, and thought, "what a cool train. looks just like the book and movie"...then a realized...heyyyyy ....The Polar Express could have been a trigger, as I had taken my kids to a train ride on a Polar Express ride in 2014, and turns out my wife used that day to rendezvous w one of the APs.
But that train.... all that i thought of was
That is a cool train!
The other trigger that wasn't a trigger was Mon morning. My wife leaves for work at 630 and gets up at 530 so I get up with her so we can have some time together. I was coming out of the kitchen w coffee, and ran into her as she was coming out of the bathroom after her morning shower. she had her panties on and a shirt that was unbuttoned, but covering herself. My thought was "wow. my wife is gorgeous and hot...and damn..THAT is a good look!" I joked with her about that. After she left for work, I realized..."holy crap...THAT should have been a MAJOR trigger", as the photo i found that let the cat out of the bag the morning of dday, was a photo of her from neck to waist, laying in another mans bed, in another mans shirt, covered the same way.... and when i finally got access to her email, there were other pics of her sent to other men dressed the same way....
so i thought
THIS IS AMAZING..... i simply existed in the PRESENT and enjoyed these moments...and even though there are load past associations with these....THOSE PAST ASSOCIATIONS DIDNT COME UP...they didn't intrude on my present. It wasn't until each moment had passed...that i even realized....That should have been really bad for me...and it wasn't !!!!!
Im so excited about this turn I've made...... so freeing....knowing...experiencing that the past's hold on me is falling away.... and i am able to exist in the present....and enjoy, accept and receive and believe the gift of now as it happens!
I
AM
BECOMING
I
AM
HEALING
I
AM
MOVING
ON
I
AM
LETTING
GO
and i love my wife
I love her very very very much these days
Separate the man from his actions.
Separate the past from the present.
When I allowed those 2 thoughts in I could truly see that the A and all if the terrible actions were not "who he was" they did not define the whole of the man he was. They were actions he chose. He was a very good giving person who helped those around him (despite how awful we were towards each other).
His A was his past and his future was about redemption and reconciliation.
Triggers can easily carry us into that dark hole of despair as if we are watching them with that otherperson and laughing at our pain.
Now if I'm triggered it tends to be because of a rough patch in our relationship. When he falls into some old behaviors that I didn't like preA and feel they contributed to it, I can get lost in some triggery mindset. Remembering to use those times as opportunities to grow as a couple is the hard part for us.
TThat's why I always say "we are a work in progress".
Gettingintune this is a reminder of a month ago. Can you identify what changed between then and now to cause such a change of mindset?
thanks for that.