For many of us, we were able to move forward when we let go of what the past "should've been" in our minds and accepted what it was. In many ways, I think the affairs aren't even what we regret as much as disrupting our sense of calm and stirring up a lot of crap that we didn't know needed to be addressed.

Instead of gritting your teeth and resenting the A - be THANKFUL that it brought a lot of things to light. In most cases infidelity is just a symptom of other things in the CS and the relationship. You get to reset the expectations and rules in your relationship. That's a very good thing!

The water seems murky now, but it will clear in time. Trust the process.

It is not something that's easy to let go of. I was away with my younger 2 kids during valentine's day. I made sure to leave him a card with his favorite candy bar and a heart balloon. I also posted a cute older picture of us and tagged him. He is new tofb and usually has his page deactivated.

One of his friends shared my picture of us on his wall. That seemed odd. I accidentally had posted it as public and this dude definitely took advantage of that.

I went on this guy's page top try to figure it out and saw ow as one of his friends. I asked hubby who the guy was and he said some friend from his hometown he hasn't seen in years and doesn't know why he would take my picture of us.

Keep in mind ow was also old friend from hometown. The only thing I can come up with is that he did it so she could see the picture.

Now I'm fixated on her fb page. Brought back to some insecure behavior. In fact one of her profile pictures is clearly a shot she took with my H but cropped him out. I recognize his hair line from the little piece of him in the shot. She looks quite young in it so it's a long time ago but here I am trying to deal with these emerging behaviors. We've been recovering for nearly 6 years and this stupid picture sharing has me all messed up.

I just got back from my vacation last night and didn't have it in me to talk to him about it but man lots of sit sitting on the surface. So I get where your coming from.

Sorry I hijacked with my story

"why can't i just let GO OF THE PAST"

I know, right?

It's so hard. I remember our MC asking, "What do you get by holding on?"

I wanted to hit her. *blush* Yeah. Really. I was sooo angry at the time, though. I didn't hit her, for whatever that's worth, but I did say, "Don't I have a RIGHT to my feelings and thoughts?"

I feel bad, now, but one can't really help one's *responses* - only the actions one takes to those responses, right? I did have a right to be mad, but lashing out at the counselor (even if it didn't end up being physical) really wasn't appropriate - or helpful.

AND... grudgingly... she had a point. What DID I get from holding on to the past?

Well, a lot, actually. For one, it's a protection mechanism. If I REMEMBERED how badly it hurts to touch a hot stove, then I could REMEMBER not to ever, EVER touch it again, yes?

Except infidelity is a LOT more complicated. It's not as easy as, "I just won't emotionally invest in anyone EVER again..." which is really the ONLY thing one can do to never, ever get hurt by another person, right?

So... some of why I couldn't let go was because I didn't have all the facts. The trickle truth crap my husband pulled only prolonged my own healing. Some of why I couldn't let go is that I had this passionate need for equity and justice. I desperately needed to know that the scales would balance and that everyone who had caused hurt would in some way have to "pay for it". I acknowledge that this is a childlike view of the world, but um, let's face it... I wanted to hit my MC. Clearly I am NOT the most mature individual.

Sigh.

So, there may be pieces that you're missing, be it information of the past that didn't quite all add up and come together, or be it behaviors that haven't changed causing triggers and/or insecurities, or it could be that you have internally decided that you need to *protect* yourself, thus the constant internal reminders. Or it could be something else altogether. Only you can answer the question, though:

What do YOU get from holding on to the past?

Eventually, the answer will change. Eventually, you'll realize that making NOW priority and making NOW amazing is all you can really do. When that time comes, I think it'll be easier for you to let go of the past.

Wise words from Allora.

This is the grudge of all grudges. As long as we hold on to it we are the person who was grievously wronged, and in that identity there is strength and moral rightness. We have a legitimate complaint that carries weight.

Once we step out of that space, we have to own our stuff and deal with our part of the equation. That's not as fun. Life is a lot easier when its all about the CS and fixing their problem.

last night , holding her in bed, i said to her

" i am tired of always wondering if we are going to make it or not.... so lets just decide right here..right now...that we ARE GOING TO MAKE IT and then we have a direction to always move toward"

Awesome!

Great news!

You will get there just take baby steps and don't expect too much at one time. My biggest set backs over the years were often from taking giant steps with blinders on.