What is your definition of "right"?

Almost all decisions will have positives and negatives.

Hmmm ... what is your definition of "right"?

Almost all decisions will have positives and negatives.

The thing that helped me reconcile with my concerns and fears of staying? Knowing I could change my mind if I needed to.

I knew we BOTH had to be 100% invested and actively working on the marriage to recover - but fears kept me one foot in and one foot out. That's no way to live. I made an active decision to go all in - AFTER I had a firm escape plan in place shoukd things go south. I had no doubts I wanted to be with my husband - I just had fears that he would continue to cheat or cheat again. So... Having a portable floatations device under my seat didn't stop me from taking my flight (and most of the time enjoying it!) but it did afford me some peace of mind for the "what ifs" that had been nagging at me.

Allora is right. You know you can decide to leave if there comes a time when or if that feels like it's what is best. I felt fire me that I owed it to myself and my children to give my marriage a fighting chance. If I didn't, I would have always wondered if I made the right decision. My personal belief is that we should try our best to save the marriage. Make the decision to stayor go after the dust settles. When there is less of the roller coaster and more clarity.

It's hard to regret attempting to save a marriage. But throwing one away without first seeing if there's something to save? That can cause years of regret.

Of course, everyone is different. What is right for me may not be for you, even though we share some similarities in our stories. So ultimately you have to decide which way to go. But I see this type of indecision or doubting on both sides of the fence. I think we all at some point wonder whether we made the right choice or not, even in the best of circumstances. While I've not been afflicted with a lot of those doubts over the past 4.9 years, I can't say there haven't been times I wondered if I "missed the chance" to make a major change in my life that would have ultimately been better for me.

I guess I'll never know. And that's the problem with this mode of thinking. It is the fear that the "grass is greener on the other side." But there is no way to know if it is really greener without leaving the side you're on. So there is also the fear if you go to the other side, you'll get there and realize it was much greener than where you were at. Then you'll find yourself doubting whether you made the right choice to leave.

So for me, it is a matter of making the best decision I can based on what I know, and committing to that decision. This doesn't mean you're locked in if things go south. Continued cheating would be a deal-breaker, as would some other issues. What it did mean was that I was committed to giving her and us the best chance to succeed. Likewise, if you commit to leaving and get a divorce, that doesn't mean the relationship is history and unhealable either. You're not locked in either way.

So my evaluation of my situation went something like this:

1. I did and do still love my wife. If you've read my article on what love is, you'll know what I mean by that. It means I'm ready to lay down my life to do what is best for her. That's the definition of a martyr. She had hurt herself and our marriage by her act, and if I could be the means to heal and redeem her from that pit, I wanted to do that. Why? Because I'm bound to her in love.

2. I couldn't force her to heal. I couldn't force her to make the right choices. All I could do to help her was provide the best motivation and space for her to do the right thing. And of course, pray for her. If she had not done what she did to heal, and had continued destructive thoughts and behaviors, leaving her would be in her best interest because by staying and accepting that situation I would be an enabler of her own destruction, and that would not be very loving of me.

3. Because of the above, I would not have been at peace with myself if I didn't at least give her a chance to salvage this break in our relationship. I wanted her to be redeemed. Both for her sake, our children's, as well as my own. I wasn't ready to let 29 years of marriage with her crash and burn without a fight to save it. If it ended up with me leaving, I at least wanted to be able to say that I did everything I knew to do to save it as detailed in #2.

4. I think the main thought that gave me peace on this issue is that I had placed the responsibility for healing the marriage on her. Sure, my responsibility was to provide the best emotional and spiritual environment for her to do that. If I was unloving and ignored her every effort, that wouldn't be an encouraging atmosphere for her healing. But she was the one who did the damage and she is the only one who could repair that damage. I couldn't do it for her.

So if she didn't do those things, she didn't take the necessary steps and attitudes to heal the damage, then I would have, sadly, felt the only option left for me was to leave. And that is true to this day. If I discovered today that Gabi was even sex chatting with other men, much less having sex, I would find it very hard to come up with a good reason to stay. If we've done all the right things, healed the trust, strengthened the marriage, truly show each other our love for one another, and she still cheats, I'd be like, "What else could I do?" My options would be very limited at that point. It is certainly something I hope I don't have to face again.

But if I did discover that today, would I then feel like the past 5 years of rebuilding were wasted? In my case, no. One, we've had an amazing 5 years together. I would certainly feel a big loss were that to happen, but I would in no way regret making that effort or feel like I wasted 5 years of my life. Maybe that's because I don't tend to view relationships as "what can I get out of them" as much as "how can we make each other better people and give of ourselves to each other." She's made me a better person these past 5 years. Painful, yes, but her healing that did happen changed me as well. So even if we parted ways in the near future, I would not view it as lost time. Just as I don't consider the first 29 years of our marriage wasted because of the affairs.

Where I think some people feel that way after 4-5 years of rebuilding, continued cheating or not, is usually due to at least 2 major reasons.

a) The CS only dealt with surface issues, but never made core changes that addressed the underlying reasons why they they cheated. Sometimes the BS allows blameshifting to take pace, in part because if they feel it is something they need to fix, then they hope the marriage can be saved. But blameshifting, gaslighting, ignoring the CS's responsibility to address and fix within themselves why they chose this destructive behavior, are all forms of rugsweeping. Problem is, that doesn't really heal the relationship, but is more like a growing cancer that the couple are in denial about. It doesn't rebuild trust, so the BS is always in fear of it happening again, because their gut keeps warning them this isn't over, you can't trust him/her. 5 years of living in that fear is going to make anyone tend to feel like they wasted the rebuilding years, especially if cheating happens again.

b) The CS and BS never successfully rebuilt a loving relationship. A healing trust is foundational to this, but if no or few steps were made to improve the marriage as a whole, if the quality of the marriage isn't better than it was pre-dday, if the couple don't successfully communicate their love to one another, the BS will tend to feel "Why did I go through all that pain and hurt to heal with this person who I'm still not sure really loves me enough not to ever betray me like that again?" If one gets to 5 years and they show few, if any, mutual gains in the relationship, that time can feel wasted, especially if cheating happens again.

So ask yourself these questions to help clarify where you're at and whether these doubts are just normal feelings we all feel at one time or another as to whether this will work out or gut warnings:

1. Do you feel your CS is addressing her issues and honestly working to rebuild trust?

2. Do you feel your CS is actively and consistently expressing her love for you and proving it by saving this marriage at personal cost to her?

3. Do you have a good sense that she loves you?

4. Have there been any red flags of late that you and/or she aren't addressing?

5. Can you honestly lift the rug and see there is nothing there? Or have some issues been swept under there and not dealt with?


If an honest evaluation of those questions is on the positive side of scale, then this may be more a fear on your part of "what if she cheats again?" What if despite all you've both done it still crashes and burns? Am I making a decision that will end in failure? Those are fears we all have. In the end, it ends up being a risk vs. benefits evaluation. Any marital relationship is a risk of being hurt. The only difference now is the first time you may not have thought seriously about that risk. A "it'll never happen to me" mentality sets in. That's certainly where I was at. That's why dday was such a shock for me. The thing I thought would never happen, happened. Now you're entering the rebuilding of that relationship with the eyes wide open about the risk you're taking. So you're debating in your head, "Is this relationship worth the effort and risk of getting hurt again?"

The more healing happens, the less risk you feel you are taking. The bigger the benefits in your mind of staying, the more risk you're willing to take. Each person has to evaluate this for themselves. Someone who didn't think their marriage was all that good to begin with may leave immediately on dday. The benefits are too low and the risk too high. They would be miserable short of some drastic changes in the situation, which could also happen after leaving. Others like myself saw trust being rebuilt, the risk of being hurt again going down, while the benefits of the relationship grew. While my marriage pre-dday wasn't perfect it wasn't bad either. It wasn't something I was deeply dissatisfied with. So I had every reason to pray we could rebuild. I still had a lot to lose if we didn't make it. Then you have all those in between.

It's usually not that rational of a process, but that's in effect what is going on in your mind and gut. The reality is she might cheat on you again. She may never cheat on you again. You don't know. I don't know that Gabi will never cheat on me again. I'm taking a risk staying with her that she might hurt me again like that. In truth, I'd have a risk with anyone I might marry if I were to leave Gabi. It might not *feel* like such a risk because they've not hurt me before, but the truth is the risk factor is never zero with anyone. Especially for those who declare they'd never do that to anyone. Likewise, Gabi is taking a risk staying with me, that I won't do the same to her at some point. But naturally I would feel a greater risk, despite the fact she has greatly shrunk that risk for me over the years, with Gabi because she has done it before. It went from a theory that "yeah, it could happen but not very likely," to "It did happen. Be on guard." That said, the benefits outweighed the risk, and so far that has proven true after almost 5 years.

Whether it will be for you, I can't say. That is your decision to make. But I would advise once you've evaluated it and made a decision, pour yourself into helping to make it succeed. Keeping in mind, of course, that as it concerns the damage done from the infidelity, your wife owns that and needs to heal that, but where it concerns the marriage as a whole, you both own that. Infidelity isn't the only issue or activity that can destroy a marriage. It's a big one, but still just one among many.

But if the answer to any of those questions is in the negative side, then it is an area that needs to be dealt with. It will only get worse with time, not better.

Hope you can find some peace about the direction you're heading. For me, I put it in her court and said, "Play ball." When and if she choses to stop playing, that's when the game is over for me. Analogically speaking, of course. I didn't feel like I had to police her or worry that much about her. If she stopped playing, I'd know. My gut is a lot more sensitive now. If and when that ever might happen, I would deal with it then, and it would likely have a different track toward healing, most likely without her. But it is a risk I'm willing to take and live with.

that was an amazing reply. thank you

Gettingintune,

Your dealing with this got my mind going for a new blog post. Its been way too long since my last one. Subscribers may be surprised to find a new one up. Anyway, since it dealt with this issue, thought you'd be interested in reading it. Moderator(s) let me know if this isn't okay to post.

Are You Weak for Staying?
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2016/03/are-you-weak-for-staying.html