Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
what is the difference between cognitive dissonance and ...
not getting triggered.... or having memories, but not experience or reexpereince the emotions that once were attached
its not like i live in denial about what happened
i know what happened
when, where, what, who...etc
its just, and i almost hate to say it
its just that, it doesn't bother me like it did for the past year
I'm still sad...sure...still have feelings of anger here and there
but nothing intense
i can bring up dates, locations, AP's...and i don't feel myself triggering....dont feel myself slipping...its more like
yep..thats what happened...but that was then...this is now...and we have made a hell of a lot of progress, both me and my wife
but sometimes...i just can't help but think....
maybe I'm nuts.....maybes its just cognitive dissonance ....maybe I'm repressing something... but then i take a listen to myself...my brain...my body...and i think...no...maybe I've made it..and survived and am ready to move forward instead of choosing to stay in the past
not getting triggered.... or having memories, but not experience or reexpereince the emotions that once were attached
its not like i live in denial about what happened
i know what happened
when, where, what, who...etc
its just, and i almost hate to say it
its just that, it doesn't bother me like it did for the past year
I'm still sad...sure...still have feelings of anger here and there
but nothing intense
i can bring up dates, locations, AP's...and i don't feel myself triggering....dont feel myself slipping...its more like
yep..thats what happened...but that was then...this is now...and we have made a hell of a lot of progress, both me and my wife
but sometimes...i just can't help but think....
maybe I'm nuts.....maybes its just cognitive dissonance ....maybe I'm repressing something... but then i take a listen to myself...my brain...my body...and i think...no...maybe I've made it..and survived and am ready to move forward instead of choosing to stay in the past
Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders recommends two courses of action when it comes to triggers: 1) avoid them altogether and 2) subject yourself to them so much that you are desensitized to the emotional reaction.
Some triggers need to be avoided because they may well be behaviors or scenarios which lead to the ability for a partner to have an affair.
So, for example, a wife going out and getting drunk every weekend with her (male) best friend, with whom she eventually had sex. That should be avoided.
Flip side: a woman picks up her husband's phone while they are at their favorite Italian restaurant and discovers texts from the other woman. It may be worthwhile to continue to go back to that same restaurant over and over until that "bad" memory/trigger is replaced by only good feelings in order to reclaim the favorite restaurant, rather than give that up to the other woman (who may never have even been to that restaurant!)
Sometimes, time and trust building act in much the same way. What once was a hot, sharp knife to the heart can become a wistful, sad sigh - a moment that passes so quickly, one doesn't even mark it beyond that moment.
The only cautionary tale I might offer is if you start viewing what used to be triggers in a completely jaded, apathetic manner. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If you begin to view the affair with indifference and even when considering current actions that may border on improper with indifference, then I would be super concerned.