Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
over this year and change past DDAY, my wife and i have talked...alot...more then we ever talked before. each night, early on after dday, once the kids were down, we'd go outside, have a drink and smoke and talk.... lots of emotional stuff from both of us, but we talked openly about what we were feeling...our emotions.... it was painful, yet cathartic. i think our talking helped more then any counseling we had or have.
if i was triggering about anything, id tell her..id tell her the trigger..and tell her what i would see in my head.
this last month, she has asked me to refrain from these discussions...she says, i need to work on how i process those triggers, and not keep taking her back to those events .... she said its not rugsweeping, but its just that she believes its not healthy for either or us
i feel hurt by her request...i think..WTF...i think and trigger because OF WHAT YOU DID, and you told for the last year that i needed to be able to tell you what i was thinking and feeling and it was ok for me to show vulnerability to you....and now you tell me.... you are so stressed these days, that you cant the stress if i tell you about my triggers....and we are only a bt over 1 year out from dday
not sure what my options are
we talked this morning, when i had a trigger..well..i saw a book...and i though...hmmm..there is something about that book...what is it...there is some association i have...and then bam...i realized it was an association of one of her AP hookups..but the AP thing was NOT the first thought i had...the first thought was that...there is some association i have w this book...but cant remember what it was.
i think that is a healthy sign for me..that things are starting to fall away... so we had a long talk about, that...i told her vaguely...i had a trigger...and told her how i processed thru it...i did NOT tell her what it was..didnt tell her the title of the book...or any thing that would b ring her back to that event...but i did tell her...i triggered...and here is how i processed thru it...
that conversation, she said, she is fine w...she says that it helps her to know that i am able to process thru these things when they come up, but that she doestn think it healthy for me or her, to tell her the specifics ....
on one hand, im trying to be mindful of what is best for us boh
on the other hand...i think..GOD D*MN IT.... I think this crap...because OF WHAT YOU DID...and how can you even have the audacity to tell me "dont tell me this, because it upsets me!"
if i was triggering about anything, id tell her..id tell her the trigger..and tell her what i would see in my head.
this last month, she has asked me to refrain from these discussions...she says, i need to work on how i process those triggers, and not keep taking her back to those events .... she said its not rugsweeping, but its just that she believes its not healthy for either or us
i feel hurt by her request...i think..WTF...i think and trigger because OF WHAT YOU DID, and you told for the last year that i needed to be able to tell you what i was thinking and feeling and it was ok for me to show vulnerability to you....and now you tell me.... you are so stressed these days, that you cant the stress if i tell you about my triggers....and we are only a bt over 1 year out from dday
not sure what my options are
we talked this morning, when i had a trigger..well..i saw a book...and i though...hmmm..there is something about that book...what is it...there is some association i have...and then bam...i realized it was an association of one of her AP hookups..but the AP thing was NOT the first thought i had...the first thought was that...there is some association i have w this book...but cant remember what it was.
i think that is a healthy sign for me..that things are starting to fall away... so we had a long talk about, that...i told her vaguely...i had a trigger...and told her how i processed thru it...i did NOT tell her what it was..didnt tell her the title of the book...or any thing that would b ring her back to that event...but i did tell her...i triggered...and here is how i processed thru it...
that conversation, she said, she is fine w...she says that it helps her to know that i am able to process thru these things when they come up, but that she doestn think it healthy for me or her, to tell her the specifics ....
on one hand, im trying to be mindful of what is best for us boh
on the other hand...i think..GOD D*MN IT.... I think this crap...because OF WHAT YOU DID...and how can you even have the audacity to tell me "dont tell me this, because it upsets me!"
The CS puts us in a traumatic situation and is responsible for helping us process what happened and why. But there comes a point when we have to finish the healing on our own. I don't mean in seclusion - but on our own apart from our spouse. At the same time they have to be working on their healing independently of us. There can be some cross-over and sharing occasionally - but for the most part we have to find a support group outside of our marriage because this whole subject can suck the oxygen out of a relationship.
I'm not talking about sweeping things under the rug or denial. Or even immediately after Dday. But after you've talked about it from lots of different angles and have some distance - its good to start putting it behind you.
Is it possible that the triggers have become a way to get attention from your wife? I felt a little less connected when we stopped having the post-D-day conversations and had to find other ways to connect.
This is the point where you need to find a new project to work on together - home remodeling, planning for a vacation, learning more about a certain subject ... whatever it is you both enjoy. I agree with your wife that its not healthy to keep connecting over a negative event. It can become a crutch and keep you stuck.