Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
vulnerability?
as I've been posting over the last few weeks, each week brings some new perception...some new focus , that i had previously lacked.
this week... ta da ..vulnerability
anyone ever read Brenee Brown? Great stuff. She writes alot about shame, and some stuff on vulnerability. I really didn't quite get the whole vulnerability thing about relationships.
today.... i think i do...i think i get it ..or at least i think i accept, that there cannot be LOVE if there is no VULNERABILITY.
My wife and i were talking about this last night. She said that once there is love, then you can have vulnerability, but i countered and said, "No. For love to exist, you must have vulnerability FIRST". vulnerability is the opening of the armor. If the armor and guard aren't let down, how could possibly expect to receive LOVE, let along project LOVE
in lots of ways, our marriage now, is actually more intimate then it was pre affairs. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional, mental, spiritual intimacy along w physical intimacy. Being able to tell her, the things that i FEAR MOST.... my deepest and darkest secrets...my sense of shame and guilt I've carried around since i was a child. my deep need for acceptance. my fear of rejection. my need for esoteric conversation...deep thoughts.... not just discussing how much the latest episode of the Walking Dead sucks.....
its weird...but I honestly think, in some ways, we have a closer marriage NOW, then we did before.
I know the 5 years before the affairs were very tough for both of us. She had just given birth to twins, i ended up having 6 surgeries on one of my feet, so i was immobile for quite a bit of time over the first 5 years of our kids. we drifted far apart. No intimacy of any kind. we were raising new born twins/toddlers/ we were exhausted, i was in constant physical pain... lots of stuff
so these days, we talk everyday ...at night, instead of watching TV, we talk over a glass of wine...about our day, ourselves, each other, the kids, the affairs, our reconciliation, our recovery, our fears, my triggers,
i find it cathartic. Last night, something came up in conversation which brought back an email she had sent during the affairs to one of her friends who was in on the whole thing.. i felt tense. i felt like i was holding my breath. i didn't know if i should tell her or not, but she usually can tell....just by my breathing..or body language...she said "what is it...go on, you can tell me" so i told her...and just talking about the trigger, and other stuf she did, and how the last year has been...i felt..... accepted....but i also felt ...naked...as it vulnerable...and i felt safe...and i felt loved.
isn't that funny?
as I've been posting over the last few weeks, each week brings some new perception...some new focus , that i had previously lacked.
this week... ta da ..vulnerability
anyone ever read Brenee Brown? Great stuff. She writes alot about shame, and some stuff on vulnerability. I really didn't quite get the whole vulnerability thing about relationships.
today.... i think i do...i think i get it ..or at least i think i accept, that there cannot be LOVE if there is no VULNERABILITY.
My wife and i were talking about this last night. She said that once there is love, then you can have vulnerability, but i countered and said, "No. For love to exist, you must have vulnerability FIRST". vulnerability is the opening of the armor. If the armor and guard aren't let down, how could possibly expect to receive LOVE, let along project LOVE
in lots of ways, our marriage now, is actually more intimate then it was pre affairs. Not just sexual intimacy, but emotional, mental, spiritual intimacy along w physical intimacy. Being able to tell her, the things that i FEAR MOST.... my deepest and darkest secrets...my sense of shame and guilt I've carried around since i was a child. my deep need for acceptance. my fear of rejection. my need for esoteric conversation...deep thoughts.... not just discussing how much the latest episode of the Walking Dead sucks.....
its weird...but I honestly think, in some ways, we have a closer marriage NOW, then we did before.
I know the 5 years before the affairs were very tough for both of us. She had just given birth to twins, i ended up having 6 surgeries on one of my feet, so i was immobile for quite a bit of time over the first 5 years of our kids. we drifted far apart. No intimacy of any kind. we were raising new born twins/toddlers/ we were exhausted, i was in constant physical pain... lots of stuff
so these days, we talk everyday ...at night, instead of watching TV, we talk over a glass of wine...about our day, ourselves, each other, the kids, the affairs, our reconciliation, our recovery, our fears, my triggers,
i find it cathartic. Last night, something came up in conversation which brought back an email she had sent during the affairs to one of her friends who was in on the whole thing.. i felt tense. i felt like i was holding my breath. i didn't know if i should tell her or not, but she usually can tell....just by my breathing..or body language...she said "what is it...go on, you can tell me" so i told her...and just talking about the trigger, and other stuf she did, and how the last year has been...i felt..... accepted....but i also felt ...naked...as it vulnerable...and i felt safe...and i felt loved.
isn't that funny?
I remember saying to the mc that I was afraid to completely let him in. What if he does it again? Her response was basically, well then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.
Thank you for this post. My husband and I have hit some small bumps. We always resort back to our old ways of not communicating, even if it's much better. I call it "sitting in silence". I think I am so quick to put my walls up and protect myself that I sabotage things.
Maybe I will try the "being vulnerable" approach this week. Even if it scares the shit out of me. I've got triggers that need to be discussed and I can't do it as an attack. Anger is my wall.
Thanks again
I'm glad your finding your path.
and at some point...after i felt better.... i asked myself...WHY DO I FEEL BETTER?
the first answer i thought of , was because i LET IT OUT.... but that wasn't all of it.
It was because i was being open....honest...scared.... its not that i wanted hand holding or a poor baby.... i just wanted to open my self up to her and let it out.....
and when i felt calmer...and safe...i realized...it wasn't because i felt indestructible....it was because i felt completely, and totally vulnerable..... and it seemed to me....that , that was a prime ingredient for reconciliation and forgiveness .....
i never wanted to walk this path
but, my god, i am finding my way!
wow...that is what i did for years...i did that all thru my first marriage which ended in divorce in 98, and i did it thru this marriage..... i was very QUICK to throw up the walls.
because...throwing up the walls...suiting up in the armor...then i could protect myself....
at least that is what i thought i was doing...