I had to go over to the infidelity board and read your story. I don't post there as often as I did. Anyway wow!

I agree with everyone there that your H needs to stop all contact with the OW. I can kind of relate to you thinking that maybe they should be able to contact each other since they are so much a like. Shortly after my H told me about his A, I said to him " I feel like I shouldn't be telling you not to talk to her. You had two years with her and if I take those two years from our time together ( and some other times that I felt at the time was not all about us) then you and her have almost as much time together as we do." Luckily my husband told me how crazy that was and that I had every right to tell him not to talk to her ever again or I don't know where we would be right now.

When you first find out nothing makes sense. Looking back what the hell was I thinking I've been with my H 9 years and was trying to figure out ways that made me less important to him than some slut?

My point is do NOT make any major decisions now that you can't undo. Work on your marriage first. To do that your H needs to stop any and all contact with the OW. If after your relationship is stronger if you feel that you want her friendship then decided what you want to do about the OW. I also recommend you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. A lot of people here recommend it and it really is great. I think in your situation it may help a lot.

Lady- I was in a very similiar place last year. It's very confusing, because your entire world is upside down. Not only did you think what you had with your husband was untrue, but you've lost what you thought was a "dear friend" as well. I know, it hurts so much. Additionally, you may be blaming yourself for "allowing" this woman into your lives. I know I did, for a really long time. Yes, I too, was naive. I never dreamed that someone would take advantage of us this way (yes, I do blame her more; she had visibility over everything- something neither my husband or myself had).

I mourned for the loss of a faithful husband and a good friend. But the truth was, she was never a good friend, to me or my husband. Does a "good friend" make her friend (your husband) feel even worse about himself than he already does? Don't you think a "good friend" would offer their apologies and bow out of the situation to give you two a chance to recover?

She's a selfish, whorish, bitch. Not really even a human being in my book. In order for your husband to come out of his "fog", she needs to be completely out of the picture. Although their physical relationship may be over, it's actually the emotional side of the affair that's caused/causing the majority of the damage. If they're still talking, they're still having an affair.

My husband, too, defended her at first. Oh, she's had such a hard time, blah, blah, blah. Although he woke from his fog the minute I discovered and never spoke to her again, it was a little while before he realized how she used him. How she was never his friend. How she manipulated and controlled him.

I know you're very confused right now; he probably is, too. You need to feel safe- some ground rules can offer that safety. Don't be afraid to lay them down. Your marriage can't recover if you're not ok. I know you're afraid to talk to friends or family- I don't blame you, but you can't go through this alone. Perhaps one of the groundrules could be that you (both or individually) go to therapy. DearPeggy.com has a list of therapists that others have found helpful in recovering from infidelity. We used one from the list and found him very helpful.

Also, I know others have mentioned the book "Not just friends". Run, don't walk- get it! I downloaded mine to my iphone. It really helped me alot and I think it fits your situation perfectly.

I feel so bad for you Lady- you're a beautiful young woman, inside and out, and you deserve better. I hope you begin to demand better!

Hi there. While no situation is exactly alike - I went through a similar situation. My husband slept with a very close friend, who was also married.

Each situation is different, and the only people that truly can determine the outcome are those directly involved.

We chose to sever all ties with the other woman and most recently her husband. I was briefly in contact with her husband after everything came to light, but I decided that it was holding me back. We thought that it was important to cut off all contact because that way there would be no room for doubt.

I am so sorry that this has happened to all of us. THis is a terrible situation, made worse because of the double betrayel.

Only you can decide what you can live with. Ask yourself if you can look at her without thinking of them together, of their betrayal. This would be a major trigger for me. Your husband should be willing to choose you not her right now and work on your marriage,not his friendship with another woman. So sorry you are here. Take care of yourself.

Ultimately you will have to decide what is best, but I would cut off all contact with her, and maybe WAY down the road it will be possible to reconnect. Right now, your marriage is most important.

I'm guessing that you want to restore things to get back to normal as soon as possible -- but it isn't possible to go back to normal. And if you do, the same thing will probably happen again.

It's too soon to bring the OW back into the picture, and honestly, it sounds like she was never out.

All I can say is WOW! You and I have almost IDENTICAL situations. the only difference is the time line. My H's OW lived with us for 4 months. They both came from similarly bad family backgrounds (hard childhood), could relate to more things and talk about anything. They were best friends (he called her bro and she called him sis), and then I told them they were soul mates. My H at the time said no that I was his ONLY Soul Mate in his life, but then i explained that My Best friend is my soul mate and that we are more like one soul torn in two and made whole now that we are together. He agreed and so did she. Then their relationship turned physical after about 3 months or so. I was unaware of this until he confessed it to me the day that she moved out ( a month after the A). It lasted about 3 weeks (off and on) and by both accounts was not much to brag about (they both say they were just not into each other that way). He had told me that he loved her before anything happened, but not like he loved me. I still talk to her and so does he. She is not in a good place right now (she is in a homeless shelter because her house were her mom lives is not a safe place). I worry about her constantly because I grew to love her too. It is a hard situation. It still does hurt when they text or talk. He has offered to stop all communication with her, but I tell him no because I know they were friends before anything happened (he still minimizes how much he talks to her without me telling him to). Your and My D DAY seem to be close (mine was 12-27-10) and so I know I am in the beginning stages. I am just as lost as you are. I don't want to control him or tell him what he HAS to do. I think that would not be a very good beginning to our new life. I am about 98% sure that I am not going to leave him. We have 2 kids and one on the way and MANY good memories. I Believe that we can make the best out of this. He has been so Great so far by offering his support, demanding nothing out of me and my recovery, and just saying he is sorry, even when I don't prompt it. I know he is remorseful and I know she is too. I, unfortunately, Would not be able to offer much incite to weather it is ok for them to stay as friends. You and I are in the same boat. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me! (lastly, i noticed that your DH is army, mine was Navy. What a life huh?)

The OW was a friend of mine too. I would never want to be her friend again. I don't care how she's doing or what's going on with her. Think about what she did to you, isn't that enough for you to want her out of your life? Did she ever consider how you would feel when you found out what was going on? I have a lot of close male friends and I would NEVER cross the line with them, bottom line. If she respected you she never would have let things get out of hand.

What did she think would happen by having an affair with your husband? That he would leave you for her? That she could have him too? I mean what possible motivation did she have that would be respectful to you as his wife?

I am a very loyal person, I'm a very forgiving person, I truly value my friendships that's why it's so hard to accept her role in the affair. At the end of the day, you need to decide what is best for your marriage and he does too. I'm confused as to why she wants to stay in your lives, she should move on with her life and out of yours.

I agree with Anguished and Lisa. Only YOU really know what you need and what you can take. But I think there needs to be a period of non-contact between your H and her and you and her. I think you need to repair one relationship at a time as you also repair yourself and really allowing them continued contact might be too much temptation at this point while feelings and memories are still fresh. You may find in time that you can only salvage one of the relationships and you might even find that it's not the relationship with your H that you want to salvage as much as your friendship. But for now it sounds like you really want to save your marriage so I personally would start there.

IMPO I think the no contact should be permanent. The OW had caused a ripple in our relationship about 25 years ago and again about 19 years ago when I had to tell he not to call anymore, I should have stuck with that, if I had we would not be where we are today.

I can understand that you feel confused about the OW. My BF and H decided to engage in an A..It only lasted 2wks and it only got to oral sex between them...like that makes it any better that they didn't go all the way, but my H thinks so..I did so much for this woman, and it still blows my mind that she rather be treated like a whore by my H then treasure the relationship we had. But looking back the friendship was only one-sided us helping her, and those types of friendships are the most dangerous. During discovering time they both try to tell me it had nothing to do with me that it just happen, but everyone knows here these things just don’t happen. For my situation she started texting him privately, and when we were moving her she asked my H to look at her Fake boobs when I wasn’t around. The reasoning being she was self conscious that they were too hard. All of these actions were her choices to make, in which sparked the flame for this A to happen. I feel now that she was jealous about all lot of things in my life, and she really wanted to feel what it would be like to be in my shoes. Don’t get me wrong my H also made active choice to keep all of this a secret from me, and then began to have fantasies about having two wife’s. I guess I continue to have conflicted feelings about her, because there was no explanation, or any remorse on her side that was shown to me. I have gone through the grieving process and continue to do all the hard work to save my marriage, but there is an emptiness in losing that friendship that is still here in the background. Since, the A I have heard through the grapevine that she has fallen on hard times, and sometimes I feel bad about that, because it effects her kids too..But eventually we all have to take responsibility for our circumstances. I agree we the other people on the board about letting the friendship go. She made a active choice to hurt you, and your family. The priority now should only be what is best for your family, not helping this person!