Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I posted this on the infidelity board. I was thinking that this might be helpful to those of you that are new to this. I can tell you from my own experience that it is VERY accurate to how my experience went. I personally do better knowing what to expect.
Hope it is helpful.
The key thing to remember is this: What you are going through is a normal reaction following cheating. Cheating in a relationship is one of the worst tragedies one can face in life. If you did not feel the way you do after your spouse cheated on you, there would be something wrong with you.
It can be that your spouse is feeling genuinely sorry about cheating and wishes to continue the relationship with you after promising that cheating will never happen again. But even in this situation you cannot feel the same as you felt before towards your spouse. The memory of cheating or an affair keeps coming back to you on daily basis and is causing you strong mental pain, depression and anxiety. You want to know all the details related to the affair and to the Lover, even though hearing about those things hurts you even more.
There are certain phases you must go through after cheating or an affair has occurred. These phases vary depending on whether both you and your spouse have agreed to try to continue the relationship or if you have ended the relationship after cheating took place and you are now simply trying to heal yourself, forget and recover.
___________
Phase 1: Initial shock after finding out about cheating
This is the stage when you feel completely lost, disoriented and crushed after learning about cheating or an affair. You feel strong anger towards both your cheating spouse and the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You may even become violent towards one or both of them. Your mind is full of horrible thoughts related to the event of cheating or an affair, most of them being a mixture of pain, anger, jealousy, frustration, depression, anxiety and mistrust towards your cheating spouse.
___________
Phase 2: Attempt to stabilize your life after cheating or an affair
If your cheating spouse has left you after you found out about cheating or if you have left your spouse
You are slowly starting to accept the new course your life is now taking. The feelings related to cheating or an affair such as anger, pain, anxiety and depression are still in you, but since nothing concrete is constantly reminding you of your cheating spouse (he or she is not around on daily basis), recovery will be much faster than if your cheating spouse was constantly around and you would try to make the relationship work again.
If your cheating spouse has stayed with you after cheating took place and you are trying to heal your relationship
You may feel as a winner for a while and may even feel happy that your cheating spouse has "chosen" you and not the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You feel you have gotten over the pain, anxiety, depression and anger since your cheating spouse has (most likely) apologized the betrayal and has promised to be faithful to you and never to cheat again. Deep in your mind you have only wished that you could somehow brush away the memory of cheating or an affair and that your life could be the way it used to be.
It is natural for a human being to wish that things would stay unchanged. The change can be a frightening thing, since it is always a jump to the unknown. You have gotten used to the life with your spouse before cheating took place, part of your identity is to be his or her partner. If you separate your life will change fundamentally. That is a very unpleasant thought. That is why you wish that you could somehow make things work again after cheating took place. For a while you are enjoying the "second honeymoon", a wonderful feeling you get when you think your spouse is not going to go away as a result of cheating or an affair, that your husband or wife CHOSE you, that your life with your spouse will continue despite the cheating and as a consequence there will be no great changes in your life.
What you are not aware of yet is that your life has already changed fundamentally due to cheating or an affair. Your relationship to your cheating spouse will never be the same again. This does not necessarily mean your relationship will be worse, but it will be different. This is something you must accept before you can truly move on with your life, forgive, forget and get over cheating, lying and betrayal.
During this phase your self-confidence slowly starts to return and you start to feel more secure. It helps you to improve your self-esteem if you are taking good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you see a healthy person when you look into a mirror, it boosts your self-esteem and reduces the intensity of your painful emotions. Even if you feel you have been neglecting yourself in the past, this is a good time to start to take care of yourself.
___________
Phase 3: Second wave of anger after cheating
You only go through this phase if you have decided to stay with your spouse after cheating or an affair and you are trying to make your relationship work again.
After some time has passed and the routine has again stepped in to your relationship, the memories of cheating, lying and betrayal performed by your husband or wife start to come back to you. The memories of cheating or an affair might make you feel an extreme anger towards your cheating spouse at unexpected moments, in the middle of making love, during a romantic dinner etc. The memories of the betrayal, lying and cheating will flatten your feelings towards your husband or wife and create anger, frustration, anxiety and strong mental pain. You are furious because your spouse cheated on you and lied to you. You thought your husband or wife (or girlfriend or boyfriend) is your base rock in this life, the one person you can always trust and who truly cares for you, and now all this has changed forever as a result of cheating. You start to realize you can never go back to the time when you felt unconditional trust towards your spouse. The images of your cheating spouse and the Lover keep coming back to you and are causing you great mental and even physical pain.
During this phase of recovery after cheating or an affair you feel sometimes very happy and sometimes very sad. You are wondering if you can ever fully trust your cheating spouse again. This is the phase during which you are finally starting to realize and accept that your relationship with your spouse will be permanently different from now on. You are starting to accept that you can never return back to the way things were before cheating took place.
___________
Phase 4: Final adjustment after cheating or an affair
If your relationship has survived until this point after cheating took place, it has good changes of continuing even after the trauma created by the betrayal. During this phase of the recovery, the memory of cheating or an affair is finally starting to sink into the past. If you are still together with your spouse, you are starting to adjust to the way your relationship now is, without longing for the past which can never return.
If you and your husband or wife survived up to this point without separating, your relationship has good chances of becoming even stronger than it was before cheating took place. But your relationship has also become very fragile and vulnerable should any kind of dishonesty occur. If cheating, lying and betrayal occur again, the process of the recovery takes much longer than it took the first time and in a worst case the recovery, healing and regaining the trust towards your spouse may not be complete. And that is the way it should be: This is the way of the nature to warn you that you should not invest all your trust and love into an individual who is repeatedly letting you down, lying to you and betraying you.
If you would like to read more about this and other articles written by this person you can visit her website. The link is below.
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/cheating-and-infidelity/how-to-get-over-cheating.html
Hope it is helpful.
The key thing to remember is this: What you are going through is a normal reaction following cheating. Cheating in a relationship is one of the worst tragedies one can face in life. If you did not feel the way you do after your spouse cheated on you, there would be something wrong with you.
It can be that your spouse is feeling genuinely sorry about cheating and wishes to continue the relationship with you after promising that cheating will never happen again. But even in this situation you cannot feel the same as you felt before towards your spouse. The memory of cheating or an affair keeps coming back to you on daily basis and is causing you strong mental pain, depression and anxiety. You want to know all the details related to the affair and to the Lover, even though hearing about those things hurts you even more.
There are certain phases you must go through after cheating or an affair has occurred. These phases vary depending on whether both you and your spouse have agreed to try to continue the relationship or if you have ended the relationship after cheating took place and you are now simply trying to heal yourself, forget and recover.
___________
Phase 1: Initial shock after finding out about cheating
This is the stage when you feel completely lost, disoriented and crushed after learning about cheating or an affair. You feel strong anger towards both your cheating spouse and the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You may even become violent towards one or both of them. Your mind is full of horrible thoughts related to the event of cheating or an affair, most of them being a mixture of pain, anger, jealousy, frustration, depression, anxiety and mistrust towards your cheating spouse.
___________
Phase 2: Attempt to stabilize your life after cheating or an affair
If your cheating spouse has left you after you found out about cheating or if you have left your spouse
You are slowly starting to accept the new course your life is now taking. The feelings related to cheating or an affair such as anger, pain, anxiety and depression are still in you, but since nothing concrete is constantly reminding you of your cheating spouse (he or she is not around on daily basis), recovery will be much faster than if your cheating spouse was constantly around and you would try to make the relationship work again.
If your cheating spouse has stayed with you after cheating took place and you are trying to heal your relationship
You may feel as a winner for a while and may even feel happy that your cheating spouse has "chosen" you and not the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You feel you have gotten over the pain, anxiety, depression and anger since your cheating spouse has (most likely) apologized the betrayal and has promised to be faithful to you and never to cheat again. Deep in your mind you have only wished that you could somehow brush away the memory of cheating or an affair and that your life could be the way it used to be.
It is natural for a human being to wish that things would stay unchanged. The change can be a frightening thing, since it is always a jump to the unknown. You have gotten used to the life with your spouse before cheating took place, part of your identity is to be his or her partner. If you separate your life will change fundamentally. That is a very unpleasant thought. That is why you wish that you could somehow make things work again after cheating took place. For a while you are enjoying the "second honeymoon", a wonderful feeling you get when you think your spouse is not going to go away as a result of cheating or an affair, that your husband or wife CHOSE you, that your life with your spouse will continue despite the cheating and as a consequence there will be no great changes in your life.
What you are not aware of yet is that your life has already changed fundamentally due to cheating or an affair. Your relationship to your cheating spouse will never be the same again. This does not necessarily mean your relationship will be worse, but it will be different. This is something you must accept before you can truly move on with your life, forgive, forget and get over cheating, lying and betrayal.
During this phase your self-confidence slowly starts to return and you start to feel more secure. It helps you to improve your self-esteem if you are taking good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you see a healthy person when you look into a mirror, it boosts your self-esteem and reduces the intensity of your painful emotions. Even if you feel you have been neglecting yourself in the past, this is a good time to start to take care of yourself.
___________
Phase 3: Second wave of anger after cheating
You only go through this phase if you have decided to stay with your spouse after cheating or an affair and you are trying to make your relationship work again.
After some time has passed and the routine has again stepped in to your relationship, the memories of cheating, lying and betrayal performed by your husband or wife start to come back to you. The memories of cheating or an affair might make you feel an extreme anger towards your cheating spouse at unexpected moments, in the middle of making love, during a romantic dinner etc. The memories of the betrayal, lying and cheating will flatten your feelings towards your husband or wife and create anger, frustration, anxiety and strong mental pain. You are furious because your spouse cheated on you and lied to you. You thought your husband or wife (or girlfriend or boyfriend) is your base rock in this life, the one person you can always trust and who truly cares for you, and now all this has changed forever as a result of cheating. You start to realize you can never go back to the time when you felt unconditional trust towards your spouse. The images of your cheating spouse and the Lover keep coming back to you and are causing you great mental and even physical pain.
During this phase of recovery after cheating or an affair you feel sometimes very happy and sometimes very sad. You are wondering if you can ever fully trust your cheating spouse again. This is the phase during which you are finally starting to realize and accept that your relationship with your spouse will be permanently different from now on. You are starting to accept that you can never return back to the way things were before cheating took place.
___________
Phase 4: Final adjustment after cheating or an affair
If your relationship has survived until this point after cheating took place, it has good changes of continuing even after the trauma created by the betrayal. During this phase of the recovery, the memory of cheating or an affair is finally starting to sink into the past. If you are still together with your spouse, you are starting to adjust to the way your relationship now is, without longing for the past which can never return.
If you and your husband or wife survived up to this point without separating, your relationship has good chances of becoming even stronger than it was before cheating took place. But your relationship has also become very fragile and vulnerable should any kind of dishonesty occur. If cheating, lying and betrayal occur again, the process of the recovery takes much longer than it took the first time and in a worst case the recovery, healing and regaining the trust towards your spouse may not be complete. And that is the way it should be: This is the way of the nature to warn you that you should not invest all your trust and love into an individual who is repeatedly letting you down, lying to you and betraying you.
If you would like to read more about this and other articles written by this person you can visit her website. The link is below.
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/cheating-and-infidelity/how-to-get-over-cheating.html
"Psychology gives you objectivity. Objectivity gives you emotional distance. Distance makes you feel safe."
I think that's why "NOT Just Friends" is such a great resource -- it gives you objectivity and makes the A seem less scary. In the beginning, it seemed like such a random, scary, unpredictable thing - but as I learn more, it was a natural conclusion given the state our marriage was in.
So maybe the goal is emotional distance from the A -- not necessarily accepting it.
I dont think we ever stop missing the way it was before. BUT I can say that there are things about the way it is now that is better. I no longer have the blind trust I had, but I also now appreciate what we do have more. We are much better at communicating now than we were before the A.
Hurting... I dont think it is ONE thing or an either/or kind of situation. I believe that it is a matter of all of these things coming together at the same time. For instance, it wasnt that our marriage was in the bad shape that allowed the A. It was more about the mental place my h was at when the OW started coming on to him. He was in a place where he was facing his age, his loss of self esteem (we just lost our house and he just got out of jail for a DUI where he stayed for 30 days to get sober finally!) His truck was totaled... SO many things were happening at this time. So when the OW started hitting on him, this was something that made him feel good about himself, in contrast with so many things he felt bad about. He was also trying hard to get a handle on his sobriety, which the OW was not helping at all with since this was another thing she was offering to do and keep a secret from me. He was literally at war with himself. Unfortunately, he did lose that war. But we won the battle.
I am just saying it isnt ONE thing, but rather a number of different things that all come together. As far as the friendship getting out of control. I think it is more of a slippery slope kind of thing. It starts with them discussing intimate things about each others lives. The more they share with each other, the more they feel closer. As the book says, they open the window with the friendship and OW and allow that relationship to develop. Meanwhile closing the door on the marriage and closing themselves off. Once they cross over the one boundary, then they stay and cross the next and next. It is kind of like when you were a teenager and you were having a relationship with a boy. At first it was just alot of talking. Then you made out. After that every time you are with them, they wanted to make out. You are ok there till you have sex..once you have sex, you can forget to going back to just making out all the time. Each time we cross a boundary in a relationship, going back is the hard pard.
Anger has also gotten my house cleaned from top to bottom more times than I can count!
Yep... it can be a very productive emotion indeed! But as you said, UNCONTROLLED ANGER is the one that is not
For me, hurt almost always translates as anger coming from me. When I am deeply hurt, the anger is so raw that I wont even speak to the person out of fear. I am afraid of what I will say or do because I know me and I know how I react to hurt. I will lash out, say or do something I regret. When I am angry I it is different. I can control myself. But with hurt, not as much. Fear as well will get a response that will seem as if it is anger. My h has learned to know the difference and react accordingly. If I am angry he knows to just leave me alone and I will be over it soon. However, if it is hurt he is seeing, he knows that leaving me alone is not the best way. For hurt, it helps me more if he reassures me of his love and this is the time that holding me would have a positive effect. Where as angry..NOT SO MUCH! lol
This is probably my 3rd or 4th, but my anger is getting more fine-tuned instead of general anger at the whole situation. My latest is the fact that H broke our marriage vows and did so while wearing his wedding band. I get the whole cheating thing, but it didn't dawn on me that he had actually broken vows in the process. Now I'm pretty irked again.