Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Yesterday, H said he thinks it's time we tell our youngest about my A's. He is 18. Our other 2 kids know. Our 23 year old son knew OM and he is pretty well tuned in to me. He pinned me down about it a long time ago so I had to tell him. We told our daughter recently. She's 27. They have both taken it well and are proud of me for my hard work on myself and both of us for our hard work on our marriage. They can see the difference clearly.
Our youngest son is very busy, a senior in high school and very wrapped up in his own world. He knows I go to confession every week and have not been allowed to take communion since last May because of something I did on the computer. He doesn't know about the PA's or even suspect as far as we know.
We were thinking not to tell him for a while. Figured he probably didn't need to know and probably wouldn't want to but we are rethinking that now. How would he feel down the line if he found out about it and that everyone else has known all this time?
It's different with him than the other two. I will have to think very carefully about how to approach this and how much to tell. Hmmmm.
Our youngest son is very busy, a senior in high school and very wrapped up in his own world. He knows I go to confession every week and have not been allowed to take communion since last May because of something I did on the computer. He doesn't know about the PA's or even suspect as far as we know.
We were thinking not to tell him for a while. Figured he probably didn't need to know and probably wouldn't want to but we are rethinking that now. How would he feel down the line if he found out about it and that everyone else has known all this time?
It's different with him than the other two. I will have to think very carefully about how to approach this and how much to tell. Hmmmm.
I may be wrong but I feel that you should sit him down and give him a very simple explanation of the infidelity without adding unneeded details. Focus on the human error, remorse and forgiveness aspect while not losing the fact that infidelity is never ok. He deserves an apology for your actions since you risked your entire family with your actions.
The two of you need to discuss beforehand exactly what details you will tell him. If there details you don't want him knowing then make sure you both keep that very clear before talking to him. As silly as it sounds you may need to "sugar coat" it as best you can.
I had to tell my kids since they had a newly discovered sibling the same age as the youngest of ours. I said daddy and I broke up and he had a girlfriend. I said even if you are broken up, it's wrong to have a bf or gf when you are not divorced. I had to do the whole "the brother is not a mistake" but daddy having his mom as a gf was.
My kids have a better relationship with their dad now then ever before. It is better in my. Ind to develope their relationship on the truth and who has has become rather than a persona of who was pretending to be.
In many situations, things can be kept away from the kids, but this situation seems nearly impossible not to tell him.
I think, I'm leaning toward the following scenario, though I'm sure Gabi and I will hash this out, so it could change.
1. Wait until a week or two after he's graduated and life has slowed down for him. He's got enough on his plate with his upcoming graduation and his sister getting married in April, and preparing for college, to worry or think about this much. By June, things should be a lot calmer around here, with most of our guest gone and quietness returning to the household, and a summer where he only needs to think about getting a job and planning for a move in August.
2. I like the approach of simply pointing out what he already knows, that Gabi and I have gone through some big changes this past year and a half, and want to know if he has any questions about it all. After making sure he's okay with it all, I'll either drop it if he doesn't ask any questions, or answer those he asks. He may have some but just doesn't feel right asking. That was pretty much how my daughter felt. She suspected and wondered, but didn't feel she should ask. So she was glad Gabi talked to her about it.
I think on details, the less the better. Only give him what he wants or needs to know. And of course, there are some details we wouldn't give, even if he wanted to know. Those Gabi and I will probably need to discuss so we're on the same page.
The only other thing I think we need to give some thought to his how we do it. I want to avoid making it look like we're pulling him aside to lay some big news on him, like sequestering him back to our room or something. It would be better if it happened more naturally. So we'll want to figure that out.
Thanks for all the input. I can always count on ya'll to give me a good dose of reality to make me think through things. :)
And, if and when it happens, we'll update you on the results. So you can either tell us, "I told you so," or "Good call."
I'd also leave it open so that if he has any questions int he future the door is still on to discuss it - maybe he would be more comfortable talking about it through e-mail after he's out of the house? And I hope that you share both sides of the situation - yes, she was unfaithful but you had also let the marriage fall off your list of priorities in the time leading up to it (I think i remember that was the case?)
We had this discussion with our 13 year old daughter - she asked me about it because we are closer and I told her with minimal details. But I also told her that I hadn't been the best wife before that and he felt neglected. We both realized that we made some big mistakes but were committed to rebuilding our marriage and making our family a happier place to be. That evening, H was outside grilling and she pulled up a chair next to him and said in her best parental voice "do you have something to tell me?" He said she was like a junior adult holding him accountable. We had obviously talked about it before (I gave him a head's up that she asked me about it and I told her the truth) and he echoed much of what I said.
Just for perspective ... I don't even like thinking about my parents having sex with each other, much less someone else. And i would imagine most kids are like that. If you can avoid telling him that they actually had sex and he doesn't press then I'd leave it at that. Call it an "inappropriate relationship" because that covers a multitude of sins. And it's the lesson about boundaries that's most important anyway.
You guys will be in my prayers! May God give you the right words and circumstances to tell him ...