My take on this is to tell him after graduating because he sounds like a sensitive soul from what you've said about him so far. At least he'll have the summer to digest this without the distractions of schoolwork plus he can spend more time with you both for support.

He may feel left out for not being told like his siblings, but that doesn't mean he was ready to hear it at the time. Just my initial thoughts.

I'm going to agree with shtmyhdid here. If he is a senior he is going into one of THE best phases in his life. Final push at school, prom, last opportunity to participate in spring sports or make his mark at school, anticipation for graduation and hopefully college plans. Why mar this wonderful time of his life with information that will overshadow his time in the sun? I do believe he needs to know but IMO I think it would be best to wait until summer to tell him. You may find out that he already had some suspicious that something happened but just chose to ignore them.

I agree to wait until after he graduates. Let him have his senior year. The A isn't his to own, his senior year is.
During my H alcoholic fog he had a one night stand, (if anyone has ever dealt with alcoholisim you know how insane of a time it is) any way it was during our daughters senior year. She is now 32 and still does not know. I never felt it was my childrens burden to carry, but that was me.

If you do tell him, definately wait.

I agree with all the others ... at least delay it until after graduation. No one needs to deal with this during their senior year of high school. But i also have to ask, why do you need to tell him? If he ever asks you about it then I'd be honest and tell him a sanitized version of the truth. If he's not asking about it then why burden him?

It is more devastating for kids to find out that a mom is unfaithful than a dad and you are setting him up for some serious trust issues with women. It sounds as if your H may want to lighten his burdon of keeping a secret by putting it on your kids and that's not loving or kind.

What was the point of telling your daughter? It just seems cruel unless they specifically ask about it. I'm 42 and would not want to be privy to the problems my parents had or are having in their marriage. This should stay between the two of you.

I told my daughter because we are very close and I was about 99 percent sure that she suspected the truth already. Too many clues. I was right and I wanted her to hear the story from me. She heard H's version as well. We talked to her separately.
I think I agree that we should wait until summer and then re-evaluate the wisdom of telling.

With where your youngest is in life right now, do NOT tell him anything at this point in time. It will only upset and distract him from what is really important in his life with school and the changes he will be facing with graduation and college. This is not his burden to bear, and telling him right now would serve no good purpose. When he is older or comes to you, then tell the truth as gently and plainly as possible, but I honestly would not tell him unless he came to you and flat-out asked about the situation.

A little context might help, Enca. Due to Gabi going to confession weekly and not taking communion, something all of them would notice, we felt we had to tell them something. Which was a "half-truth" in that we told them she had been having some inappropriate contact with other men online, and that's why she was going through those changes.

Son #1, middle child, 23 yr old, as she said, figured there was more to it and asked her in the car. Oldest, our daughter, 26 yr old, suspected as much, as she said, and at some point, she told her. Our youngest son just turned 18 in Dec.

Now we suspect he may guess there's more that went on as well. Personally, I would tend to feel as you do too, except I felt one thing might justify telling him before he asks. That is, he's the only one in the immediate family who "doesn't know" (assuming he hasn't found out otherwise). If we wait until a few years, perhaps he never asks, at some point he'll find out and realize he was the only one who didn't know.

I don't know, but I would feel sort of left out of the family issues and such if I were in that situation, and the longer it goes in that, the harder it will be when he does find out. Also, this will provide a good teachable moment for him, not only to not assume anything himself, but also how we have both come through this in a more positive way. At this point, I think we can both safely say we're not going to break up. If that was a real fear at this point, I'd probably say don't tell if we don't have to.

Anyway, I didn't want him to be the odd man out in the family. But I think I do agree that it may be best to wait until the summer. My guess is he already suspects there was more, and that it won't surprise him too much. We are a close family, and supportive of everyone. I just feel at this point, with everyone else knowing, I don't want to intentionally exclude him. But yes, good to wait until sometime after graduation to have that talk. But I'm leaning toward that talk needs to happen sooner than years down the road.

I will offer my situation as an example: my H was the "odd man out" in his family because he was the only one who didn't know that his mom had cheated on his dad when they were still married. His sister knew, my FIL's parents and siblings knew, but H did not. I only found out when all of our issues surfaced last August/September, and of course H subsequently found out, too. My FIL had the talk with my SIL at some point and she being more emotionally mature than my H was ready to handle that information. H was not.

I applaud you for being a hands-on parent and being close to your children, looking for things in life that offer the chance to teach them and guide them. Just be sensitive to the timing of disclosing such sensitive information - remember that you will forever be rocking his world by altering his perception of your marriage and most of all, his mother. At 18 he may be a smart kid but he simply does not have the life experience and wisdom you do as an adult; he may understand it in technical ways, but not really get it in an applicable way until he or someone he knows is in a situation where infidelity occurs.

I'll share this story too ...

My parents went through a really rough patch in their marriage when I was in college and my younger brother was still in high school. I suspect that my dad had an affair, but never asked for confirmation. The ended up in marriage counseling and were able to save their marriage.

Fast forward about 15 years and we were all sitting around talking when the topic of their marriage counseling came up. My brother was stunned - he was in the same house and had no idea that anything was wrong much less that they were in counseling! It's not that they hid it from him, he was just tuned into his own life and not them at the time. LOL

He said he was glad he didn't know at the time because he would have been worried about what would happen once he was out of the house and probably wouldn't have gone away to college. And if the marriage had broken up he would have blamed himself for not being there to hold it together.

Kids take on the feeling of responsibility even when we reassure them time and time again that it's not theirs. Let your son start his own life and if he has trouble down the road then share your experience. Just because the rest of the family is hurting over this doesn't mean he needs to be added to the injured list. That's a really sick club to belong to!

Did you guys see the movie Fireproof? The parents offered information and support when it was needed - not beforehand. Kids deserve to start life with a clean slate, not carrying the burdens of their parents. Don't let your experience color his life if you can help it - sometimes being left out of these things is a gift.

I would like to add....I called and told my son about it because at dday I thought my H had LEFT me. Plus his then 14 year sister DID know since she was with me when dday happened and I didn't want her to have the burden of also staying mum to her brother since she was so young. So he needed to be told. Fast forward a week later and my H comes home. Despite the fact that we have reconciled, our son, who prior to dday was a decent student, has now dropped and failed college classes. I do think some of it is in response to the stress that this added to his life. And both my kids idolized their dad. It was a major blow to both of them. Being left of these things can be a gift - especially to one so young. I wouldn't be in a rush to tell him and to be honest, the more I think on things, you should probably wait and see if he comes to you or your other two children and asks about it.

I guess I personally fail to see how spreading this pain even farther is a good idea. It could be he knows something happened and hasn't asked because he really DOESN'T want to know the full extent.

My father cheated when I was 12. My mom used me as a sounding board one night and told me all about it and while there is a huge difference between 12 and 18, age does not matter when you see a parent fall like this.

I'm guessing if he does want to know he will go to a sibling and ask. Maybe this time would be better spent prepping them on how to handle that if it happened.

I agree with Lotus. Why hurt another person? If he really wants to know he'll ask. By telling him your really just making yourself feel better.

My mother had told me once when I asked her if I should tell a boyfriend something that I did and it was really weighing on me and I felt that it was best getting it out into the open and having no secrets. What she said was to ask myself, "Am I telling him to make me feel better, or am I telling him to make him feel better?" Bottom line it was for me to feel better. Granted this is a different scenario but what happened between you and the OM was just that between the two of you and your H who already knows. It is nobody else's business and is only going to hurt them in the long run.

Be prepared because you will never look the same in your son's eyes and that's a terrible thing to steal from him.

BTW, I've wanted to tell my kids at some point and thank you for posting this because I've realized that I never want my kids to see what I see when I look at my H. I want him to be their Dad who loves and puts them first, not someone that could sacrifice their happiness for his pleasure. It's important for kids to see we are human but I don't know to that extreme.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

I'm not, at least on my part, doing it to make me feel better, or to hurt him. I doubt Gabi is doing it to make her feel better, as obviously sharing that isn't easy for her. Rather the reason I gave, it should be obvious, was to not hurt him by keeping him in the dark. I guess if it were me, and I found out my mother had had an affair and everyone in the family but me knew, I would feel hurt. That was my only motivation in considering telling him.

It is also that circumstances to this point are different. They've all picked up on the fact that our relationship drastically changed for the better last year. We suddenly started spending more time together. Our daughter, before she was told, commented on how much more in love we appeared than before. And they know their mother is required to go to confession every week and not take communion (which is an every week event) for going on nearly a year. There are not too many sins that take one out of communion for a whole year. They know whatever she did, it wasn't small potatoes.

Additionally, my youngest son comes and hugs me every night before he goes to bed. And frequently I have DS on the computer when he does. Gabi sometimes leaves it up when she goes to do something. So I know he's seen these past few months that we've been on the "infidelity" forum and I would be very surprised if he hasn't put two and two together that it was more than just an internet affair.

And I tend to lean toward honesty. The argument not to spread the pain around is what CSs use as a reason not to tell their SO what they've done. Of course, the difference here is that the SO has a right to know, whereas the children do not, even though the consequences of an A will hurt them too even if they never know. But I don't think it is a healthy to hide things from people who are affected by what has happened either. If I thought the consequences of telling him would be destructive to his life, then I would probably not do it.

So I feel like he probably knows enough and suspects enough that this isn't going to be a big shock to him. Also, the reactions of the other two to finding out have been primarily positive. Our daughter is proud of her mother for what she's been able to do to come out of it. I think they can obviously see we are deeply in love and won't feel there is a big risk to us breaking up, which would be more painful for all involved, which then everyone, not just our immediate family, would know then.

But I do appreciate the stories. Certainly things to consider in this. And my son isn't like my other two. He's more private himself. But my gut tells me our telling him wouldn't negatively affect him that much. But I could be surprised. And if when he's 30 and learns about what happened from his brother or sister, and that he was the only member of the family to be in the dark...hard to know how he would feel about that. Like I said, I would feel hurt, but maybe he wouldn't.

The other thing is I think as he's going to college, when he's likely to find a wife himself, and start dating (he's like me in that he's never dated going through high school), it is a good thing for him to keep in mind that even someone who you think could never do this, don't assume it can't happen. This seems to be an opportunity to talk to him about important things, things he'll be involved in during the coming months. And to be on guard, because this can happen to the best of marriages and relationships, and to guard himself as well.

So I see several benefits for him from telling as well. But I'm sure in the coming months Gabi and I will be discussing this further and make a decision one way or the other. And we appreciate all the feedback. I think it is certainly a good idea to wait until after he's graduated. I don't think he'll feel like he shouldn't go to college. It is obvious to them that we are not in threat of breaking up. That we are acting more in love than any time they can ever recall. And so I don't think it will create that kind of fear or pain.

It may cause him to look at his mother a little differently, if that hasn't already happened. But it is the truth as well, and if he doesn't find out now, he most likely will at some point. Seems it would be less traumatic to find out from us than from brother and sister, or worse yet, a third party. So that perspective would change at some point anyway. It's more a matter of when and how, not if. And like I said, he needs to be aware that it can happen to anyone who doesn't keep their guard up. Never assume, "It can't happen to me." You can tell someone that, but they won't get it fully. But if they have someone close to who that has happened, they'll get it.

Thanks for the input. It has been helpful. :)

I say graduation is only 3 months away. At least wait until after that so at his 20 year reunion he isnt thinking "oh right before graduation I found out Mom cheated on Dad."
You could be right in that he may have already put 2n 2 together and knows, but he hasn't asked. So maybe he doesn't want to know details. And maybe he knows nothing and kinda floats in his own bubble. Either way, I would wait.
And when you do approach him about it I would let him lead. Say " thought you might be curious about what's been going on with your dad and I the last year and wondered if you had any questions, because I am willing to answer them."
Just my 2 cents again :)

That would be a good way to introduce the subject. Good idea. In part because if he does have any questions, he's not going to be the type to bring them up. He's much like I was is age (he actually looks a lot like me at his age). I kept to myself and didn't feel I should pry into other people's stuff uninvited. He's not the confrontational type at all, unlike his brother who won't bat an eye to tell you what he thinks. lol. Which is why he asked.