It takes alot more courage to stay with a cheater. It would of been so much easier to just walk away. But life is not black and white. It's the shade's of gray we have trouble with. I too, said I'd never tolerate someone who cheated on me, but here I am. Working hard at making a life with a cheater. It's not easy. There's so many triggers still on a daily bases. But with the help of God we'll make it through this.

Prayers to you!

I too have struggled with this. I always told myself that if my H would cheat on me, I would be out the door so fast. This would have been easy if I had only known him for a couple months, had no children, had no house, have no good memories of my H. But, cheater is just one of his labels now. He is STILL my husband, a father, a son, my best friend, my lover, my center post. I just try to remember all those things about him too and those labels seem to "over-shadow" his label as cheater. It's funny the new found respect I have for those who have stayed with someone who cheated on them. I takes courage, strength, and faith and I think those who do stay have more faith than those who have not experienced this unfortunate event. I try to focus on the good things that have happened to my H. He has surrendered himself to God, he has become the man I only dreamed of. He has rid all the "smelly garbage" in his life. Yes, he cheated. Do I feel like a fool who had been taken advantage of for all those months...yes. Will it take time to heal that...yes! But I think the positive aspects of my life out-way the negative and I am willing to try to get over that negative to have the happiness.

I feel that way too sometimes Morgan, but then I think about the mistakes I have made in my life. I am not perfect. My H is obviously not perfect. The forgiveness and love I give him comes from a very strong place inside me. I believe by forgiving him I have sacrificed my pride for my happiness and his happiness. I knew that if we came through this together, it would be worth it. And so far, it is.

It definitely takes more courage to stay than to leave, unless it is an abusive situation. To stay and combat the fear of infidelity and relive the pain while healing takes a very strong and brave woman. I will never fully forget, so by forgiving him I am choosing to live with that fear in the back of my mind. It is worth it to me.

I agree with your "wise" friend!

All of the above posts are so excellent...

It would have been easy for me to leave too. I could have basked in the "victim" role and had many people on my "side". It would have been easy for me to vilify my husband to the point of losing all that he cares about. Believe me, I was angry enough to make him suffer in that way...

In the end it comes down to how I wanted to live my life. I never considered myself the "victim". I never played the poor me card. I jumped in a fought like a banshee to save my marriage not because of the OW, she was out of the picture by then, but fought the residual feelings the A creates. That shit takes COURAGE!!! I know that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

I am strong...

I don't think anything about staying on working on a marriage after infidelity can be compared to "weakness". This has been the most difficult journey either me or my H have been through.

Now an act of fear is another thing. I suggest you ask yourself what are your fears about the choice to stay and the choice to end the marriage. I have found personally there are things to fear with either choice.

Thank you all for your responses - I really appreciate your insight and support.

Texy - most of the fears are feel are for my children/the idea of our family. For myself, I feel like I could probably go on with life and meet someone new and be happy. But I suffered so badly during my own parents divorce (even though I know I would do a better job than they did) -- that idea of giving up the family as a unit is very very very hard for me.

I guess my big fear for myself is what if I always look at my husband with pain in my eyes? What if I will always think of him as a cheater? Yes, he is also many other things -- but what if, long-term, cheater is the one that defines him? I know now that I have not only no control but actually very little influence over his choices/decisions/behavior. Otherwise, how could we have gotten to this place?

I have thought some more about your question throughout the day. I'm just wondering what you would think God's response would be if you asked him the same question. Do you think God would think of you as week for sticking to your marriage? Do you think he puts those thoughts of fear in you? I believe thoughts of fear and weakness don't come from God. They come from the other evil influences in our lives. God is about forgiveness. There are many examples of this in the Bible. The devil is about weakness, fear, anxiety, influencing people to give into temptation. The devil is tempting you to give when things are bad. He is the one that wants people to give in, give up, not be together. It was his temptations and evil thoughts that got my H in the situation he was in. My H recognizes this and has returned to God. I don't think God would say you are weak. He is an encourager, forgiver, giver of happiness.

Morgan
I always said I would never stay if my H cheated. Here I am. Its hard to swallow your pride and convictions.
It takes a deep strength to stay. I know. My life would have been easier had I left.
I have always said you have to walk in someones shoes before you judge.
My dignity still stings from time to time. But I know in my heart I made the right desicion.

I'm posting without reading any of the other responses.

I question this often myself. I've been a stay at home "wife/mother" pretty much for all of our almost 32 year marriage. I only worked outside the home after all my kids were in middle school or above. And even then, I was home when they got home. I've never supported myself, we married when I was 18 and he was 20. I wasn't pregnant, we just married early.

Do I feel my staying is an act of fear? Sometimes. But then I step back and look at my H. I love him. His A was very much a result of something that was going on here at home. While it doesn't excuse the A, it helps me to realize that we both played a part, as did our family situation.

I don't feel "brave" for staying. I feel as if I/We made the right choice for us. It's not that easy or clear cut, once you are here. Each circumstance is so different, so varied. If we try to push ourselves into another person's situation, we'll fail.

When both the cheater and the betrayed are fully invested in working 100% at rebuilding...when both are 100% honest...only then can that couple heal. And it takes time. Lots of time.

I always said I would leave in a heartbeat if he cheated. Now that it has happened, my view and perspective is completely changed. No one could have foretold what would lead up to that affair. No one or nothing could have prepared me for it. It's easy to judge through "rose colored glasses".

I agree with your friend. It would so easy to say just forget it.... The hard work is the rebuilding. It is a strong person that can stay with a cheater. Remember those vows??? ~~For better or worse.~~ Of course I never planned on worst being him sleeping with other women but I still love him. I just can't turn that off like that.

Part of it for me is that my family and (some of) my friends think of my staying as weakness on my part. So in addition to fighting my own feelings on the matter, it really doesn't help that they think of it that way. I know that I have to live my own life and make my own decisions but I can't help thinking sometimes of how I must look to others who haven't gone through this and therefore don't have a clue of how they would REALLY respond to the situation. They all think as I used to, that THEY would never stay. THEY would leave in a heartbeat and I know if they had to go through it, probably most of them would end of staying too. It's just hard to ignore their comments, even though I think they come from ignorance.

Growing, don't let anybody judge you. Only you can live with your decisions.

As the saying goes... Until they've walked in your shoes...

If your staying it has to be an act of FAITH...If your staying out of fear, it will never work.

I think that staying with my H after his affair was the first time in my life I let go of my pride and ego and followed my heart. Its unfortunate how we set these rules for ourselves when we are not in the situation that will be governed by the rules. Then when the situation arises we feel like a fool for not following our rules. But then again . . . I have never been one to follow rules ;-)