Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
My wife planned a special surprise evening for me last night. Something nice to show me how special I am. She went to the store before I got off of work, bought some good wine and fresh food and made a wonderful dinner. It was really niceâ¦
After dinner she sat on the couch, turned the tv on, found some movie and drifted off to sleep. I got to hoping maybe thereâd be some intimacy between us since Iâve been feeling absolutely horrible and undesired lately. It couldâve been a really good thing for us. Instead Iâm left wondering what happened to the night... again.
A typical evening for us consists of her drifting off very early on the couch before going to bed. So dinner was the special surprise. It was a great meal, yet weâve had it plenty of times. I really enjoyed it, but Iâm not sure how it was meant to stand out from any other night.
Every night I wish sheâd stay up and keep me company, but inevitably I end up feeling alone even when sheâs right there. Iâve expressed many times how this makes me feel, yet always the same.
And I donât really agree that the great meal was for me. She knows that I appreciate her cooking, but I am happy with macaroni and cheese. How extravagent the meal is isn't what makes it special for me. She knows that. She just really enjoys cooking. Iâm glad she finds passion in something and I encourage her in it. But my belief is that itâs for her. Yes sheâs cooking for someone to enjoy it but who it is that consumes it, I believe, is of little concern. I thought it was a great meal and I expressed that to her. She seemed more concerned with its presentation and explained how it couldâve been better instead of paying attention to how I felt about it. So in my opinion, dinner was a way for her to do something she enjoys, which is fine, but it didn't make me feel particularly special.
Maybe she just had a long day and was feeling tired. However, she worked less than me that day, and she didnât have to deal with her normal office workload. Not to mention she typically gets a ton more sleep than I do since I have trouble sleeping and she has her daily nap before bedtime.
I don't know what to say to her. She says she was planning a special night for me all day long and that she had good intentions. That's wonderful, but really, how am I supposed to feel after that? When it came down to it her usual routine set in and she acts like she had no control over it.
After dinner she sat on the couch, turned the tv on, found some movie and drifted off to sleep. I got to hoping maybe thereâd be some intimacy between us since Iâve been feeling absolutely horrible and undesired lately. It couldâve been a really good thing for us. Instead Iâm left wondering what happened to the night... again.
A typical evening for us consists of her drifting off very early on the couch before going to bed. So dinner was the special surprise. It was a great meal, yet weâve had it plenty of times. I really enjoyed it, but Iâm not sure how it was meant to stand out from any other night.
Every night I wish sheâd stay up and keep me company, but inevitably I end up feeling alone even when sheâs right there. Iâve expressed many times how this makes me feel, yet always the same.
And I donât really agree that the great meal was for me. She knows that I appreciate her cooking, but I am happy with macaroni and cheese. How extravagent the meal is isn't what makes it special for me. She knows that. She just really enjoys cooking. Iâm glad she finds passion in something and I encourage her in it. But my belief is that itâs for her. Yes sheâs cooking for someone to enjoy it but who it is that consumes it, I believe, is of little concern. I thought it was a great meal and I expressed that to her. She seemed more concerned with its presentation and explained how it couldâve been better instead of paying attention to how I felt about it. So in my opinion, dinner was a way for her to do something she enjoys, which is fine, but it didn't make me feel particularly special.
Maybe she just had a long day and was feeling tired. However, she worked less than me that day, and she didnât have to deal with her normal office workload. Not to mention she typically gets a ton more sleep than I do since I have trouble sleeping and she has her daily nap before bedtime.
I don't know what to say to her. She says she was planning a special night for me all day long and that she had good intentions. That's wonderful, but really, how am I supposed to feel after that? When it came down to it her usual routine set in and she acts like she had no control over it.
How long has it been since her A? How long have you known? Have you tried counseling and or read some books? How long did the A go on?
Did you talk during the meal or before the meal? How was that?
I want to think so badly that she is trying to reach out to you.
One of our big issues is that she says great things to give me hope, but doesn't back them up with actions. She knows I've struggled with my self image since her A. She says she knows I can't really initiate much right now and that she's gonna help me see how great I am. Her words sound really nice.
Conversation during dinner was great, dinner itself was great. I personally wouldn't have had any complaints with the rest of the night if she hadn't given me the impression I should be looking forward to something. I mean I don't usually feel connected when she conks out but at least I've accepted that's the way it goes. But to lead me on then not follow through? It feels so cruel...
I'm just at a loss for how I'm supposed to feel over this. She apologized and said she had intentions but that she just dropped the ball... I mean am I really supposed to feel built up by this?
What could she have done differently that would have made you feel like you really WANT to feel?
It would've gone a long way with me if she had followed through even if she was tired.
I just don't know what to say to her.
I'm trying to see this from a cheating wife's point of view. She probably feels really badly about what she did and is unsure of how to approach you. Making that special meal and having good conversation might have been her way of showing you she wants to be close.
Maybe you could have approached her while still at the dinner table. Shown her in no uncertain terms that you were "in the mood" for some physical contact. I know for us, dinner can be amazing foreplay. The cleaning up can wait.
I'm just thinking out loud here, and in no way trying to detract from how you are feeling. It's really hard to turn the tables on my thinking about how a husband and wife deal with this when it's the wife who is the betrayer.
After 2 years post Dday, I still initiate sex more than he does. I KNOW he is ready and willing pretty much all the time. He knows I am different. We're both comfortable with these new roles. (our ages have something to do with this I think, I'm 50, he's 53. My menopause has changed the whole landscape of our lovemaking)
I could've approached her and thought about doing so, but I really don't think it would've been good for me. A long standing issue with us is that she doesn't initiate anything. Which adds to my ill self image. I've had a hard time looking at myself in good light ever since her A. Things I know about their trist shows that she had no problem working to boost his ego, and doesn't seem to have the same motivation for me. Any time we have intimacy I am the one to initiate, and I never feel good afterwards. I don't feel that she cares one way or another to be there. We've talked about it many times. It was her claim to step up and initiate more. She expressed the intention to do so that night. I needed her to initiate to help me feel its a mutual attraction.
I understand what you're saying in that she may not know a good way to approach me. And dinner was probably her way of getting close. I don't mean to minimize her efforts there because I really did appreciate the meal. It's just an unfortunate fact that, given the course of our rebuilding, I need to see more from her.
I'm just dumbfounded how someone can actually hope to rebuild trust and self image by not following through. I wish I could give her the benefit of the doubt but to me it showed a complete lack of determination.
Her response to this incident seems to parallel her response to her A.
She feels bad about it. She felt bad about it during. She knew it was going to hurt me. She knew she could've been doing something more productive at the time. Yet she did nothing to change the course.
This tells me that she really hasn't changed at all.
For the record I can completely understand how preparing a dinner can wear you out and I don't mean to be insensitive to that fact. It was grilled steak and asparagus, it took less than 10 minutes to make and I kept her company the whole time. I loved it, though I can't imagine it wore her out.
I know it's not actually talking, but maybe, in an effort to be close, but not put the pressure on to carry out a conversation, you could try a different approach. Have you asked her to sit next to you- hold her close, and tell her- let's not say anything for a few mintues- relax, let's just enjoy being close? A few minutes like that every now and then have become such a mood elevator for me, and often puts us in a restart mode.
I'm sure there are many things I could've done to help her. I haven't really had a problem understanding her moods and helping her move b/t them. It seems to me that has become what is expected. I'm wondering why she won't help me. I'm the one who needs romanced now.
I think she won't help you and romanticize you because she doesn't know how. It may not be one of her needs, so she isn't relating to your need. Sometimes, if you can't totally relate, you can nod your head, say uh huh, and walk away from the conversation not REALLY understanding the depth of what you heard. Not being a professional in this field, I can't offer you a tried and true "fix."
How about trying to come up with a new common ground to share. Something out of the ordinary routine, to make a new memory. Is there a hobby that you could both enjoy? Maybe, just do something entirely out of character... go to a museum... go roller skating like kids, again... pack a picnic lunch and find a nature trail or park that you've never been to... go to the cider mill...
She's never really been romantic, and didn't seem to care if I was or not. I'm aware that I'm more passionate than her. I put my all into everything I do and she goes with the flow. For the most part that has been a good compliment for me. Recently I've been asking her to step out of character, which maybe isn't fair to do. I loved her and married her for what she was.
Her A knocked my feet out from under me. She is remorseful but you're right she can't really relate to what I'm going through. She sees me as a rock and can't imagine I'd really need her help.
Last night I decided to take her out to a nice dinner...(which I'll have paid off in 4 easy payments). Then I made a fire at home and we snuggled up next to it with dessert. We had a really nice talk, she actually stayed awake with me! There seemed to be a mutual understanding of each others's current needs. It was a really nice time.
Thanks for helping me through this!