Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I am having a difficult time. There is a girl that my H has been working with quite a bit lately. They are both songwriters. My H is doing well in his career and this is a 19 yr old girl that he's been inviting to a bunch of his writing sessions. He knows I am extremely uncomfortable with their relationship. He swears to me that I am freaking out, but he has also stated that he could have her if he wanted to. I knew he was working with her yesterday (only because I asked him.....he will not just tell me). I was uncomfortable to begin with. Then he would not answer my phone calls last night.....he kept texting me back saying to give him a sec.....he would be home soon, etc. He never called me, and he did not get home until 5am. On top of it he was drinking....he says he did not drink with her there, but I just don't believe him. He has pictures on his phone of her from last night wearing devil horns and making a "cute" face. All of this combined is just making me sick. I tried to talk to him about my concerns this morning, and he just pushes them aside and says he thought we were moving forward and just going to trust eachother. I am doing my best to trust him, but I have some concerns. It is difficult for me just to let this go. My gut is telling me something is off here. (he was there with at least one other guy as well - I could see that in the pics)
This is a girl who we met this past summer on one of his business trips. H was sending "encouraging" texts to her and at the time telling me she was like 12 years old and fat.....I was crazy. She was also the girl in that he had taken a video of dancing w another girl when they were all drunk. In the video he was telling them how hot they were and to get closer while they were dancing. I also encountered this girl in his studio and she did not even acknowledge my presence. I said hello and introduced myself as his wife. She just said "oh yeah, I think I met you in hawaii" in a very non-welcoming tone and then she just walked out of the room. I was left feeling as though all of my instincts were right.
I am getting very frustrated with how much H is just pushing my concerns to the side and saying it is his work and I need to stay out of it. This is EXACTLY what happened with the A. I could never ask about the OW or what he was doing at work because it was non of my business. I feel like I have been extremely patient, but I am left feeling extremely frustrated. Having a hard time knowing whether or not I should just bury these feelings and suck it up. In the past this is what I would have done just to move forward. I am having a very difficult time ignoring my intuition tho.
Should I just let this go? It is creating such tension between us everytime I bring it up......when I ignore it we have been doing really well. He's been leaving me sweet notes, we went to vegas together this past weekend, he took me shopping. He is going to therapy and seems to really be making an effort to work things out. I just can't tell if I am being paranoid and completely over analyzing things. This is sooooo frustrating. I just want to move forward with my life, but this stupid A just keeps haunting me. Have any of you seen Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind......I wish I could just erase certain things in my memory and never have to think about or worry about them again.
This is a girl who we met this past summer on one of his business trips. H was sending "encouraging" texts to her and at the time telling me she was like 12 years old and fat.....I was crazy. She was also the girl in that he had taken a video of dancing w another girl when they were all drunk. In the video he was telling them how hot they were and to get closer while they were dancing. I also encountered this girl in his studio and she did not even acknowledge my presence. I said hello and introduced myself as his wife. She just said "oh yeah, I think I met you in hawaii" in a very non-welcoming tone and then she just walked out of the room. I was left feeling as though all of my instincts were right.
I am getting very frustrated with how much H is just pushing my concerns to the side and saying it is his work and I need to stay out of it. This is EXACTLY what happened with the A. I could never ask about the OW or what he was doing at work because it was non of my business. I feel like I have been extremely patient, but I am left feeling extremely frustrated. Having a hard time knowing whether or not I should just bury these feelings and suck it up. In the past this is what I would have done just to move forward. I am having a very difficult time ignoring my intuition tho.
Should I just let this go? It is creating such tension between us everytime I bring it up......when I ignore it we have been doing really well. He's been leaving me sweet notes, we went to vegas together this past weekend, he took me shopping. He is going to therapy and seems to really be making an effort to work things out. I just can't tell if I am being paranoid and completely over analyzing things. This is sooooo frustrating. I just want to move forward with my life, but this stupid A just keeps haunting me. Have any of you seen Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind......I wish I could just erase certain things in my memory and never have to think about or worry about them again.
Excuse my language but I will be blunt here: It sounds like he is getting off or getting a big ego boost at the expense of this young girl. I don't know his age but if he drinks a lot of the times, alcohol can justify anything. You can take that from my H mouth as he did some pretty stupid things during his drinking days. I am not saying your husband is an alcoholic but the fact he is making you think your thinking is off is a good sign of manipulation. I am in Al Anon and manipulation is one big behavior that goes with it. They want their own way regardless of who they hurt. If you suspect alcohol is a problem I would urge you to get to an Al-Anon meeting. It will help your santity. I would also urge you to get into counsleing for yourself. It may be time to put your foot down and do the 180.
Take care of you-Olive
But make sure you have your digital camera with you.
If so was he being trust worthy?
My Counsler stessed that I can begin to trust when he shows by his actions he is trustworthy. That means total accountability above and beyond.
I have been in your shoes, wanting to fix things, wanting to talk and my H reacting the same way until he finally realized he was running away. He wanted to fix things too but felt angry at me and had a "perspective" that I was picking on him. He had a big pity party going on.
He may not be an alcoholic-but is alcohol a necassary requirement for making/writing music? If so why?
You should only trust when he proves he is trustworthy.
Seriously, they cheat and they need to get that they will be treated like that when their behavior is questionable. Do you have children? Is this song writing a full time job? Or a side job/hobby? Is there any reason you can't be a part of the schmoozing end of this? Meet them at the bar of choice and enjoy a laugh and a drink with them.
You are deffinitely NOT being paranoid or over analyzing anything.
Yes you deff both need to prioritize couples therapy ASAP. He needs to hear you and the hurt his A caused and ask how he can help. He may have become so used to living a certain way and he needs to understand that there are changes he must make that will be sacrifices. That is the situation he created when he cheated.
Have you read the 180?
Google gas lighting and blame shifting. If he had nothing to hide, he would be more patient.
Also, reading the healing library over at surviving infidelity.com is a good way to get a lot of info.