Need, I'm sad that your physical ralationship with your H isn't good, even after years:(

Ok, everyone else, glad to know I'm not a perv, or wierdo for experiencing this phenom ( ok maybe I am, but not for this ) :)

Kansasgirl, I just don't know how to get it back. The OW emailed saying how loved and safe he made her feel and that he did everything to make "them" happy as a couple. I guess that is why I can't bond with him. He took such great care of her and her family. Why do I need someone who can walk away from me so easily and get so involved with a psycho stranger? He mentally 'walked away' from me and didnt treat me well why he was cheating. I had no idea what was wrong with him. I would have taken a bullet for this guy. Yet he turned on me for no reason. ( he says it wasnt my fault.. It was him)He of course says she was easy and wasnothing special.. Just the one he picked out of a crowd. So does this mean the next tome things are going well for him, he finds another 'pacifier' to pass the time with? I just don't know how to look at him and be with him

Normal, and yes we were hot and heavy for a while, I do think part of it is reestablishing your "territory" and the other part was the rebonding. For us I feel it was part of the healing we needed and I didn't feel at all used.

H and I are now in month 5 of HB, and I have never felt "used" in any sense of the word.. For me, as the CS, I think that it is hardwired on some level. To reclaim the CS, to sooth the damaged ego of the BS (me), to rebond when faced with the reality of permanent separation...I think (and have read, and been told by our therapist), that HB is entirely normal, and is a good sign for marriage rebuilding process. At DD and directly following, it was uber intense, and went on for about a month. Literally, 4-5 times a day, every day. It was like someone had switched my libido button back on. My marriage had been sexually dead for quite some time, so this was a major cathartic and liberating event for me personally ("it still works!").

The intensity of the initial HB phase was not sustainable (for obvious reasons), so we settled back into a more sustainable HB phase. But, damn, it's still hot.

But, was I shocked, just as you are. I would never have guessed (until confronted with the situation), that discovery of an affair would lead to intense sexual activity with the CS. HUH?

I need more coffee this morning. I am the BS, not the CS. HB must be hardwired for the BS, I meant to say. I honestly think that it may be.

Thanks Helen, yeah It seemed strange, but I've felt compelled to take back what was mine.

I totaly went thorugh HB. I seperated with my H befroe dd. Our marriage was on the rocks. I wold say mainly becuase I always knew there was an A and he always denied it. He was living a lie (his 3 year A and the 6 year old child that resulted from it). I was so content to have him out of the house, to not be living with his lies and then he decided to free his sould and tell me everything. while I was devastated I was relieved to know that I wasnt crazy that the affair really did happen. To see him vulnerable and honest was heart warming and a turn on. I found myself uncontrollably in need of him. We were very sexual and very close and affectionate. I couldnt get enough of him. It wore off and the very bumpy road of healing began. We are now 19 from dd and together and working at our future from a more realistic perspective. i guess enjoy the current time but dont assume that it is a fast paced healing. It is more likely the hysterical bonding.

19 months from dd.

I was a hot mess after DDay. I blame all the meds I was on. Heh. But yeah, HB was the name of the game from a little over a month after DDay (our 16th anniversary) on. I had demanded he get tested and I figured he wouldn't. He did. He also planned a romantic getaway complete with massages and mud baths. I was so relieved that his test results came back clean and that he had done what I asked and I wanted so badly to prove that I still had it - that I could still (as was said) "make his toes curl".

Afterward, we went on a crazy sex rampage for several months until (as Cole pointed out in his post about the stages of grief) I hit the depression wall. Anger didn't stop us - in fact, I think it fueled some awesome make-up-sex sessions, but the depression killed all desire. I didn't want him near me at that point - and he was more than a little bewildered since things had been going SO great for those months.

HB can be very good in many ways, from bringing a couple together to renewing some lost self confidence to restoring intimacy - I just wish it lasted a little longer.

I went through that with my husband after he confessed everything to me. I thought I was crazy or maybe trying to prove to him what he might be losing. I dunno! Now I realize there is a name for this. What has happened to us through this hysterical bonding is that it has knocked down all the walls that we have had up for so long. We found each other again. Through this trauma i have come to realize that i truly love him.